Are You in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

According to a recent article published on wellness.com by Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT, "There's often a pervasive sense of being off balance for the person being emotionally abused. They start to question their own thinking and eventually believe that they must have it wrong and in fact, they're the bad ones for daring to believe such a thing about the abuser!"

People who are emotionally abused often don't even realize it. The cycle of abuse starts with Tension Building, escalates to a verbal or emotional abusive Incident, Reconciliation often with an apology, then a short lived Calm or "Honeymoon Phase".

According to the article, asking yourself the following 5 questions is key to evaluating your situation;

1) Does your partner frequently criticize or humiliate you?

2) Does your partner isolate you from your family and friends?

3) Has your partner ever limited or controlled your access to money?

4) Do you feel trapped in your relationship?

5) Are you afraid of your partner?

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"Abusers often had chaotic childhoods with a perception of little control - and deep down they fear abandonment."

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"Learned helplessness" or victimization experienced in family of origin, usually plays a role. A safety plan and good support network are critical to overcoming abusive relationships.

Read the article here: http://www.wellness.com/blog/20386/are-you-in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/lisa-brookes-kift-mft

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Orange County DJ Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

How To Forgive

When it comes to forgiving, Dr. Wendy Walsh calls it, “One of the hardest things to do.” But as long as you continue to carry the pain of feeling hurt, then you STAY in a relationship with the person that wronged you.

“Forgiveness is a gift to yourself, NOT the person who wronged you.” -Dr. Walsh

Finding EMPATHY for the other person, as hard as it is, releases the anger, pain and fear you carry inside. Walsh admits, “I didn’t say this was easy… but it’s the BEST gift you can give to yourself.”

In the video she discusses some simple techniques to help get past resentment, move on and find peace.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

The Invisible Children

It's COA Awareness week!

On her latest article published on Huffington Post, Clinical Psychologist Dr. Tian Dayton examines the plight of children of dysfunctional parents as they grow to adulthood. Often their past trauma remains hidden until well after they mature and because it is buried, continues to negatively affect their relationships and how they feel about themselves.

"COAs grow up to be adult children of alcoholics ACoAs. And they carry these unresolved emotional burdens with them into their adult lives and relationships. Their disowned pain emerges, months, years or most commonly decades later in a post traumatic stress reaction as the COA, now the ACoA stands stupefied in front of an inner world that feels confusing and unknowable. It’s scary to look inside when what's inside has been so long in the making.

The addictions field should be giving very special attention to this hidden population if for no other reason, because they are statistically more likely to become addicts themselves (Cutter 1987). ACoAs also evidence higher levels of specific and generalized anxiety and lower levels of differentiation of self than their counterparts who grow up without parental alcoholism. (Maynard 1999) Scratch the paint off an addict and you will more often then not find a COA who is self medicating their unresolved, childhood pain with alcohol, drugs, food, sex, work or a combination of a couple of these.”

Read the article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-tian-dayton/the-invisible-children-it_b_8970102.html

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

PTSD, Trauma And Adult Children Becoming Parents

Dr. Tian Dayton is a pioneer in ACOA healing. Her recently published article in the Huffington Post is titled, "When Adult Children of Alcoholics Become Moms“. Although targeted to mothers, this insightful writing applies to all ACOAs and dysfunctional family members.

Highlights:

Kids whose fight or flight response is activated over and over again by the confusing and disturbing dynamics that surround addiction may become traumatized by that experience. That trauma can surface years or even decades later in a post traumatic stress reaction. Adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs) can experience a form of PTSD from growing up with addiction.

ACoA moms can be big worriers. They pass along a certain anxiety and they often have a hard time with boundaries. In addition, there is this loss of self- regulation that is part of the trauma response, so ACoAs may alternate between emotional and behavioral extremes.

As kids we rewrite, repress, "forget" or dissociate from the pain that we can do nothing about. It's the nature of trauma. Kids who are feeling overwhelmed by the chaos around them "check out"--they dissociate and they freeze their feelings because it's the only way they can get any sense of personal control. After all, they are small and dependent on their parents; they are trapped by the vulnerability of their age and size. Besides this, they make sense of their parent's erratic behavior with the developmental equipment they have at that time, and that sense can be very young and magical.

When they grow up and become adults, they just don't have a mature sense of what happened and how it affected them. They are mature and functioning adults with wounded little kids hunched down in silence deep inside of them.

Why don't ACoAs recognize this and try to get help?

Because the pain is unconscious and surfaces unconsciously through triggers and memory primers. The trap is that because ACoAs often have the capacity to understand what happened to them, they mistake understanding for emotional processing; their pain remains untouched and unprocessed. They can refer to it, but not feel it, process it, and let it go or at least transform into another stage. They block it in a thousand clever ways.

Read the entire post here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-tian-dayton/when-adult-children-of-al_b_8061092.html

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

You May Be An Unknowing Target: Narcissist Bait

One of the tenets of being an Adult Child Of Alcoholics is having a difficult time taking compliments. Typically the reaction ranges from ignoring the compliment to minimizing it or to deflect on how great the other person is. My theory is that ACAs are fearful of accepting the affection we so desperately crave because it can become a powerful emotional hook and we are afraid of becoming dependent on them. Those with low self esteem are especially vulnerable.

This is exactly what narcissists depend on as one of their tactics to ensnare someone into a relationship. A narcissist will initially idealize their object of affection in order to convince them that they truly love them.

According to Shahida Arabi’s article on “5 Sneaky Things Narcissists Do To Take Advantage Of You",

“Be wary of: constant texting, shallow flattery and wanting to be around you at all times. This is a technique known as “love-bombing” and it is how most victims get sucked in: they are flattered by the constant attention they get from the narcissist. You may be fooled into thinking that this means a narcissist is truly interested in you, when in fact, he or she is interested in making you dependent on their constant praise and attention.”

IDEALIZATION is usually the first phase of the relationship with a narcissistic person, the next two being DEVALUATION and DISCARD. Eventually, the self centered flatterer will change to criticism and withdrawal with just enough spurts of positivity to keep you hooked. Finally, you will be discarded, typically in a cruel manner.

"During the DISCARD phase, the narcissist abandons his or her victim in the most horrific, demeaning way possible to convince the victim that he or she is worthless. This could range from: leaving the victim for another lover, humiliating the victim in public, blatantly ignoring the partner for a long period of time, being physically aggressive and a whole range of other demeaning behaviors to communicate to the victim that he or she is no longer important… During the discard phase, the narcissist reveals the true self and you get a glimpse of the abuser that was lurking within all along. You bear witness to his or her cold, callous indifference as you are discarded. This is as close you will ever get to seeing the narcissist’s true self.” -Shahida Arabi

Narcissists are not inherently evil although it may seem that way. They are victims of trauma/ abuse and are acting out their dysfunction. This doesn’t mean one should overly empathize with them. The best way to handle a narcissistic person is to have little to NO CONTACT with them whatsoever. At least until you are strong enough to deal with their insidious tactics. Otherwise the temptation for them to suck you back in and for you to succumb to it may be too great.

Have you been or are you currently involved with a narcissist?

Read the full article here: http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2014/08/5-sneaky-things-narcissists-do-to-take-advantage-of-you/

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children