Reprinted from: http://www.actsweb.org/articles/article.php?i=74&d=1&c=4&p=1
Only in recent years has codependency been recognized as the debilitating sickness it can be. At first, it was identified as a problem in alcoholic families. For example, even after alcoholic husbands dried out, twelve months later, many of their families fell apart. When the caretaking wife no longer had a needy spouse, she felt she wasn't loved anymore because she wasn't needed. What she failed to see was that she had been dependent on his dependency. Her need to be needed was enabling her husband to stay sick. In other words, she was codependent.
Codependency, it is now seen, goes far beyond taking care of an alcoholic. It applies to the caretakers of any over-dependent person–such as drug addicts, work addicts, food addicts, spend addicts, TV addicts, sex addicts, religion addicts, sports addicts, money-making addicts, and to anyone addicted to any kind of compulsive behavior. In fact, latest estimates say that up to ninety-eight percent of us are either over-dependent or codependent to one degree or another.
Second, to resolve their problems, codependents need to admit their sickness and stop blaming others for their unhappiness or the difficulties they have.
Blaming others for their problems is denying their own problem, which is at the heart of most unhappiness. Only as we face the truth, as Jesus put it, will we ever find freedom and happiness.
Third, codependents need to stop trying to change others. They have a compulsion to fix anybody but themselves. Trying to change or fix others only leads to frustration and anger for both parties. The only person we can ever fix or change is our self, and as we change, others around us are forced to change—one way or the other.
Fourth, the codependent needs to come to terms with his or her own problem. While an overdependent person is often addicted to some form of compulsive behavior, the codependent is addicted to the addict. In reality, both are overdependent on each other.
Because codependents need to feel needed in order to feel loved, they suffer from love deprivation, usually from childhood, and have confused feeling needed for feeling loved. This is why many codependents have gone into the helping professions.
In order to feel needed, some codependents will go to any length to keep a needy person dependent on them. They can be loyal to the point of being destructive both to themselves and others.
On the surface, codependency can appear to be very loving, kind and Christian. However, at its core it is a confusion of responsibility. The codependent is so busy taking too much responsibility meeting the needs of others, he neglects taking responsibility for meeting his own needs and facing his own problems.
In so doing, he short-circuits the natural consequences of his loved one's destructive behavior.
Codependents need to allow irresponsible people to face the consequences of their actions, and, if necessary, let them hit bottom. Codependents also need to accept responsibility for themselves and work on their own growth and recovery. One effective ways to do this is to join a twelve-step support or similar group. Here, you can learn to feel loved for whom your are and not for what you do for others.
Most of all, codependents need to trust their life to God—a power greater than their own—and daily ask him to face them with the reality of their problem, help them to see the root cause of it, and lead them to the help they need plus the courage to overcome.
God can make a much better job of our life than we can. Why not trust your life to him today?
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
Showing posts with label child of alcoholic parent. Show all posts
Showing posts with label child of alcoholic parent. Show all posts
Monday, June 4, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Can You Change Your Future?
Reprinted from The Daily Encounter http://www.actsweb.org/
Don't Let Your Past Dictate Your Future
It is true that our lives are significantly shaped during our early formative years and many of our character issues formed then are with us for the rest of our lives.
What if we grew up in a home that was less than wholesome or where we may have been emotionally abused if not physically abused? It's interesting to note that where I live physical and sexual abuse of a child is justifiably considered a crime and is punishable by law with the likelihood of being sentenced to time in jail.
Furthermore, if the abuse is by a parent, the child is often removed from his or her custody. Tragically, emotional abuse is not even considered a crime and, depending on the intensity, can be just as, or even more, psychologically damaging as physical or sexual abuse.
As an adult, overcoming the effects of childhood abuse and love deprivation is possible but it can be very challenging. Speaking personally, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and because I felt unloved and rejected, especially by my father, for many years I felt extremely insecure and felt that I was ugly and unlovable. True, I was not responsible for my upbringing, but as an adult I realized that I was responsible for overcoming my less than wholesome background.
Besides having a lot of therapy, one of many significant things I did to resolve the effects of my impaired relationship with my father was to go to his gravesite and in my imagination I "talked to him" as if he were there with me. I said, "Dad, if you were still alive today what advice would you have for me?" The answer that came to my mind was, "Don't let your past control your future."
Good advice. True, I may have been a victim in the past but if I chose to remain a victim I would have become a willing volunteer.
For healthy living and loving relationships it is imperative that we resolve all our past impaired relationships and forgive all who have ever hurt us. We don't have to remain a victim but with God's help, and that of others where necessary, we can overcome a hurtful past and become all that God envisioned for us to be.
The choice is ours. So, whatever you do don't let your past control your future.
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
Don't Let Your Past Dictate Your Future
It is true that our lives are significantly shaped during our early formative years and many of our character issues formed then are with us for the rest of our lives.
What if we grew up in a home that was less than wholesome or where we may have been emotionally abused if not physically abused? It's interesting to note that where I live physical and sexual abuse of a child is justifiably considered a crime and is punishable by law with the likelihood of being sentenced to time in jail.
Furthermore, if the abuse is by a parent, the child is often removed from his or her custody. Tragically, emotional abuse is not even considered a crime and, depending on the intensity, can be just as, or even more, psychologically damaging as physical or sexual abuse.
As an adult, overcoming the effects of childhood abuse and love deprivation is possible but it can be very challenging. Speaking personally, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and because I felt unloved and rejected, especially by my father, for many years I felt extremely insecure and felt that I was ugly and unlovable. True, I was not responsible for my upbringing, but as an adult I realized that I was responsible for overcoming my less than wholesome background.
Besides having a lot of therapy, one of many significant things I did to resolve the effects of my impaired relationship with my father was to go to his gravesite and in my imagination I "talked to him" as if he were there with me. I said, "Dad, if you were still alive today what advice would you have for me?" The answer that came to my mind was, "Don't let your past control your future."
Good advice. True, I may have been a victim in the past but if I chose to remain a victim I would have become a willing volunteer.
For healthy living and loving relationships it is imperative that we resolve all our past impaired relationships and forgive all who have ever hurt us. We don't have to remain a victim but with God's help, and that of others where necessary, we can overcome a hurtful past and become all that God envisioned for us to be.
The choice is ours. So, whatever you do don't let your past control your future.
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
Monday, April 30, 2007
Pain Is God's Megaphone
An uncomfortable feeling is not an enemy. It’s a gift that says, "Get honest; inquire." We reach out for alcohol, or television, or credit cards, so we can focus out there and not have to look at the feeling. And that's as it should be, because in our innocence we haven't known how. So now what we can do is reach out for a paper and a pencil, write thought down, and investigate.
from http://www.byronkatie.com
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
from http://www.byronkatie.com
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
Monday, April 9, 2007
How Am I Doing?
Like it or not, our parents have an impact on our behavior in ways that we may not even realize. When a parent is an alcoholic, the impact on their children can have consequences that follow them into adulthood. If one or both of your parents had a drinking problem while you were growing up, you are an Adult Child Of an Alcoholic (ACOA). Take this quiz and see just how much their drinking has affected your adult life.
Keep track of the number of questions you answer with a YES, and add up your score before consulting the score sheet below:
1 . Is it difficult for you to identify, understand, or express your feelings?
2 . Do you judge yourself more harshly than you do others?
3 . Do you have an extremely strong sense of responsibility?
4 . Do you feel guilty when you stand up for yourself?
5 . Do you find yourself afraid of or intimidated by people, particularly authority figures?
6 . Is the approval of others often more important to you than your own preferences or beliefs?
7 . Are thrills and excitement a necessary part of your life?
8 . When someone gets angry at you, do you shrivel inside?
9 . Does personal criticism make you feel as though you're under attack?
10. Do you often find yourself feeling isolated and alone?
11. When things go badly, do you feel like a victim?
12. Can you answer 'yes' to a lot of questions found on an "are you an alcoholic" questionnaire although you never pick up a drink?
13. Are you more concerned for others than for yourself?
14. Do you find yourself constantly trying to rescue others, whether it's a friend, relative or lover?
15. Are you uncomfortable with intimacy and revealing yourself to another person?
16. Do you find yourself hanging onto relationships that aren't healthy?
17. Have you ever confused pity for love?
18. Are you currently involved with an alcoholic?
19 . Are you currently involved with any kind of compulsive personality - such as a workaholic?
20. Have you ever been involved with an alcoholic or a compulsive personality?
21. Do you have a drinking problem?
Add up your score.
0 - 6: You're handling things very well. Just keep an eye on yourself to make sure you don't fall into potential trouble zones. Examine your answers and see if they have a theme. Look at the issues that create the most problems, whether it be in your relationships (questions 13 - 20), or struggling with your own identity (questions 1-12).
7 - 14: Things aren't terrible, but they could be better. No need to settle for "not terrible," however. Make the effort to raise your self-esteem and clear out the obstacles that are getting in the way of fulfilling your dreams.
15 - 21: The past is casting a heavy shadow over you. Sadness, fear, and frustration rear their heads all too often. Don't sweep your feelings under the rug. It's time to face what's going on so that you can turn it around. Get out from under by getting help. It is possible to change old patterns!
Yes to #21: You are following in your parent's footsteps. Don't let your parent's addiction overwhelm your life. Don't give up on yourself. To stop the cycle, seek help now.
By: Mark Sichel
http://www.sideroad.com/Mental_Health/symptoms-adult-child-of-alcholic.html
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
Keep track of the number of questions you answer with a YES, and add up your score before consulting the score sheet below:
1 . Is it difficult for you to identify, understand, or express your feelings?
2 . Do you judge yourself more harshly than you do others?
3 . Do you have an extremely strong sense of responsibility?
4 . Do you feel guilty when you stand up for yourself?
5 . Do you find yourself afraid of or intimidated by people, particularly authority figures?
6 . Is the approval of others often more important to you than your own preferences or beliefs?
7 . Are thrills and excitement a necessary part of your life?
8 . When someone gets angry at you, do you shrivel inside?
9 . Does personal criticism make you feel as though you're under attack?
10. Do you often find yourself feeling isolated and alone?
11. When things go badly, do you feel like a victim?
12. Can you answer 'yes' to a lot of questions found on an "are you an alcoholic" questionnaire although you never pick up a drink?
13. Are you more concerned for others than for yourself?
14. Do you find yourself constantly trying to rescue others, whether it's a friend, relative or lover?
15. Are you uncomfortable with intimacy and revealing yourself to another person?
16. Do you find yourself hanging onto relationships that aren't healthy?
17. Have you ever confused pity for love?
18. Are you currently involved with an alcoholic?
19 . Are you currently involved with any kind of compulsive personality - such as a workaholic?
20. Have you ever been involved with an alcoholic or a compulsive personality?
21. Do you have a drinking problem?
Add up your score.
0 - 6: You're handling things very well. Just keep an eye on yourself to make sure you don't fall into potential trouble zones. Examine your answers and see if they have a theme. Look at the issues that create the most problems, whether it be in your relationships (questions 13 - 20), or struggling with your own identity (questions 1-12).
7 - 14: Things aren't terrible, but they could be better. No need to settle for "not terrible," however. Make the effort to raise your self-esteem and clear out the obstacles that are getting in the way of fulfilling your dreams.
15 - 21: The past is casting a heavy shadow over you. Sadness, fear, and frustration rear their heads all too often. Don't sweep your feelings under the rug. It's time to face what's going on so that you can turn it around. Get out from under by getting help. It is possible to change old patterns!
Yes to #21: You are following in your parent's footsteps. Don't let your parent's addiction overwhelm your life. Don't give up on yourself. To stop the cycle, seek help now.
By: Mark Sichel
http://www.sideroad.com/Mental_Health/symptoms-adult-child-of-alcholic.html
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
Monday, April 2, 2007
The Kind Of "ACE" You Don't Want To Gamble With!
In 1992 Dr. Vincent Felitti, head of the Department of Preventive Medicine at Kaiser Permanente in San Diego and Dr. Robert Anda, researcher with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, began to collaborate on a large scale study of the incidence and effects of childhood trauma, known as the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study.
The ACE Study is a decade-long and ongoing study designed to examine the childhood origins of many of our Nation’s leading health and social problems.
ACE- Adverse Childhood Experiences
The concept of the ACE Study is that stressful or traumatic childhood experiences increase the risk of cognitive damage, re-victimization, disease and have a negative impact on behavior, health, and even longevity.
Abuse, neglect, witnessing domestic violence, or growing up with alcohol or other substance abuse, mental illness, parental discord, or crime in the home are common pathways to social, emotional, and cognitive impairments.
We now know from breakthroughs in neurobiology that ACEs disrupt neurodevelopment and can have lasting effects on brain structure and function.
ACEs have a strong influence on:
-adolescent health
-teen pregnancy
-smoking
-alcohol abuse
-illicit drug abuse
-sexual behavior
-mental health
-risk of revictimization
-stability of relationships
-performance in the workforce
ACEs increase the risk of:
-Heart disease
-Chronic Lung disease
-Liver disease
-Suicide
-Injuries
-HIV and STDs
-and other risks for the leading
causes of death
Implications
The effects of ACEs are long-term, powerful, cumulative, and likely to be invisible to health care
providers, educators, social service organizations, and policy makers because the linkage between
cause and effect is concealed by time. The original traumatic insults may not become manifest until much later in life.
When a child is wounded, the pain and negative long-term effects reverberate, thereby sustaining the cycle of abuse, neglect, violence and substance abuse, and mental illness. For example, ACEs greatly increase the risk of adult alcohol abuse or marriage to an alcoholic, perpetuating the adversities and their consequences. Thus, growing up with alcohol abuse contributes to many of the leading chronic health and social
problems in the United States.
The ACE Study suggests that stressful and traumatic childhood and adolescent experiences
literally become “biology” affecting brain structure and function (as well as endocrine, immune,
and other biologic functions) leading to persistent effects. Until now, these persistent effects
were “hidden” from the view of both neuroscientists and public health researchers.
We found that adults who reported any single category of adverse childhood experience were likely to have suffered multiple other categories during childhood. Children experiencing alcohol abuse in the home should be screened for other types of maltreatment and traumatic stressors—and vice versa!
Many of our nation’s leading health and social problems are directly tied to enduring neurodevelopmental consequences of growing up with alcohol abuse and related adverse experiences during childhood.
http://www.nacoa.net/pdfs/Anda%20NACoA%20Review_web.pdf
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County ACOA Meeting
The ACE Study is a decade-long and ongoing study designed to examine the childhood origins of many of our Nation’s leading health and social problems.
ACE- Adverse Childhood Experiences
The concept of the ACE Study is that stressful or traumatic childhood experiences increase the risk of cognitive damage, re-victimization, disease and have a negative impact on behavior, health, and even longevity.
Abuse, neglect, witnessing domestic violence, or growing up with alcohol or other substance abuse, mental illness, parental discord, or crime in the home are common pathways to social, emotional, and cognitive impairments.
We now know from breakthroughs in neurobiology that ACEs disrupt neurodevelopment and can have lasting effects on brain structure and function.
ACEs have a strong influence on:
-adolescent health
-teen pregnancy
-smoking
-alcohol abuse
-illicit drug abuse
-sexual behavior
-mental health
-risk of revictimization
-stability of relationships
-performance in the workforce
ACEs increase the risk of:
-Heart disease
-Chronic Lung disease
-Liver disease
-Suicide
-Injuries
-HIV and STDs
-and other risks for the leading
causes of death
Implications
The effects of ACEs are long-term, powerful, cumulative, and likely to be invisible to health care
providers, educators, social service organizations, and policy makers because the linkage between
cause and effect is concealed by time. The original traumatic insults may not become manifest until much later in life.
When a child is wounded, the pain and negative long-term effects reverberate, thereby sustaining the cycle of abuse, neglect, violence and substance abuse, and mental illness. For example, ACEs greatly increase the risk of adult alcohol abuse or marriage to an alcoholic, perpetuating the adversities and their consequences. Thus, growing up with alcohol abuse contributes to many of the leading chronic health and social
problems in the United States.
The ACE Study suggests that stressful and traumatic childhood and adolescent experiences
literally become “biology” affecting brain structure and function (as well as endocrine, immune,
and other biologic functions) leading to persistent effects. Until now, these persistent effects
were “hidden” from the view of both neuroscientists and public health researchers.
We found that adults who reported any single category of adverse childhood experience were likely to have suffered multiple other categories during childhood. Children experiencing alcohol abuse in the home should be screened for other types of maltreatment and traumatic stressors—and vice versa!
Many of our nation’s leading health and social problems are directly tied to enduring neurodevelopmental consequences of growing up with alcohol abuse and related adverse experiences during childhood.
http://www.nacoa.net/pdfs/Anda%20NACoA%20Review_web.pdf
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County ACOA Meeting
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
The ACA ADD Connection Pt. 4
It’s often said that people classified as ADD are prone to be sugar and caffeine junkies. Actually, it’s so prevalent it has become a bit of a joke. Research has shown that people have natural variations in their dopamine system, the neurotransmitter system in the brain that is most often implicated in ADD.
A “risk taking gene” that may be related to the dopamine system was even identified and found to be more common in people with ADD, although many people not classified as ADD also have the gene. Such people theoretically spend much of their lives looking for a “dopamine” fix to clear their heads and feel alive. They might do this via novelty or thrill seeking, exercise, intellectual pursuits, or through artificial chemical means such as caffeine, nicotine or alcohol.
One study of nearly 2,000 twins suggested that heavy caffeine consumption is 80 percent genetic, while physical dependence on caffeine (resulting in withdrawal symptoms) was 40 percent inherited.
Marjorie Roth Leon, PhD, of National-Louis University, performed an aggregate analysis of 19 empirical studies examining the effects of caffeine on aspects of cognitive, psychomotor, and emotional functioning among children with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Traditional treatments, such as the stimulant drugs methylphenidate and amphetamine, outperformed caffeine in improving functioning and reducing levels of hyperactivity. However, says Leon, "compared to giving children with ADHD no treatment whatsoever, caffeine appears to have potential to improve their functioning in the areas of improved parent and teacher perceptions of their behavior, reduced levels of aggression, impulsiveness and hyperactivity, and improved levels of executive functioning and planning."
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
A “risk taking gene” that may be related to the dopamine system was even identified and found to be more common in people with ADD, although many people not classified as ADD also have the gene. Such people theoretically spend much of their lives looking for a “dopamine” fix to clear their heads and feel alive. They might do this via novelty or thrill seeking, exercise, intellectual pursuits, or through artificial chemical means such as caffeine, nicotine or alcohol.
One study of nearly 2,000 twins suggested that heavy caffeine consumption is 80 percent genetic, while physical dependence on caffeine (resulting in withdrawal symptoms) was 40 percent inherited.
Marjorie Roth Leon, PhD, of National-Louis University, performed an aggregate analysis of 19 empirical studies examining the effects of caffeine on aspects of cognitive, psychomotor, and emotional functioning among children with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Traditional treatments, such as the stimulant drugs methylphenidate and amphetamine, outperformed caffeine in improving functioning and reducing levels of hyperactivity. However, says Leon, "compared to giving children with ADHD no treatment whatsoever, caffeine appears to have potential to improve their functioning in the areas of improved parent and teacher perceptions of their behavior, reduced levels of aggression, impulsiveness and hyperactivity, and improved levels of executive functioning and planning."
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
Monday, March 5, 2007
The ACA Program and How it Works
We find that a difference in identity and purpose distinguishes Adult Children of Alcoholics from other 12-Step Programs and underscores the need for our special focus.
The central problem for ACA's is a mistaken belief, formed in childhood, which affects every part of our lives. As children, we fought to survive the destructive effects of alcoholism, and began an endless struggle to change a troubled, dysfunctional family into a loving, supportive one. We reach adulthood believing we failed, unable to see that no one can stop the traumatic effects of family alcoholism.
Following naturally from this pervasive sense of failure are self-blames, shames and guilt. These self-accusations ultimately lead to self-hate. Accepting our basic powerlessness to control alcoholic behavior, and its effect on the family, is the key that unlocks the inner-child and lets reparenting begin. When the "First Step" is applied to the family alcoholism, a fundamental basis for self-hate no longer exists.
Two characteristics identify the ACA Program. The program is for adults raised in alcoholic homes, and although substance abuse may exist, the focus is on the self, specifically on reaching and freeing the inner-child, hidden behind a protective shield of denial.
The purpose of ACA is three-fold... to shelter and support "newcomers" in confronting "denial"; to comfort those mourning their early loss of security, trust and love; and to teach the skills for re-parenting ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect.
Moving from isolation is the first step an Adult Child makes in recovering the self. Isolation is both a prison and a sanctuary. Adult Children, suspended between need and fear, unable to choose between fight or flight, agonize in the middle and resolve the tension by explosive bursts of rebellion or silently enduring the despair. Isolation is our retreat from the pain of indecision. This retreat into denial blunts our awareness of the destructive reality of family alcoholism and is the first stage of mourning and grief. It allows us to cope with the loss of love and to survive in the face of neglect and abuse.
The return of feelings is the second stage of mourning and indicates a healing has begun. Initial feelings of anger, guilt, rage and despair resolve into a final acceptance of loss. Genuine grieving for our childhood ends our morbid fascination with the past and lets us return to the present, free to live as adults.
Confronting years of pain and loss at first seems overwhelming. Jim Goodwin, in describing the post-traumatic stress of Vietnam Veterans, writes that some veterans "actually believe that if they once again allow themselves to feel, that they may never stop crying or may completely lose control..."
Sharing the burden of grief that others feel gives us the courage and strength to face our own bereavement. The pain of mourning and grief is balanced by being able, once again, to fully love and care for someone and to freely experience joy in life.
The need to re-parent ourselves comes from our efforts to feel safe as children. The violent nature of alcoholism darkened our emotional world and left us wounded, hurt and unable to feel. This extreme alienation from our own internal direction kept us helplessly dependent on those we mistrusted and feared.
In an unstable, hostile, and often dangerous environment, we attempted to meet the impossible demands of living with family alcoholism and our lives were soon out of control. To make sense of the confusion, and to end our feelings of fear, we denied inconsistencies in what we were taught. We held rigidly to a few certain beliefs, or we rebelled and distrusted all outside interference.
Freedom begins with being open to love. The dilemma of abandonment is a choice between painful intimacy or isolation, but the consequence is the same, we protect ourselves by rejecting the vulnerable inner-child and are forced to live without warmth or love. Without love, intimacy and isolation are equally painful, empty and incomplete.
Love dissolves self-hate. We give ourselves the love we seek and embrace the lonely child inside. With a child's sensitivity we reach out to explore the world again and become aware of the need to love and trust others.
The warm affection we have for each other heals our inner hurt. ACA's loving acceptance and gentle support lessen our feelings of fear. We share our beliefs and distrust without judgment or criticism. We realize the insanity of alcoholism and become willing to replace the confusing beliefs of childhood with the clear, consistent direction of the 12-Steps and Traditions, and to accept the authority of the loving God they reflect.
ACA's relationship to other anonymous programs is shared dependence on the 12-Steps for a spiritual awakening. Each program's focus is different, but the solution remains the same.
In childhood, our identity is formed by the reflection we see in the eyes of the people around us. We fear losing that reflection... thinking the mirror makes us real and we disappear or have no self without it.
The distorted image of family alcoholism is not who we are. And we are not the unreal person trying to mask that distortion. In ACA we do not stop abusing a substance, or losing ourselves in another. We stop believing we have no worth and start to see our true identity, reflected in the eyes of other Adult Children, as the strong survivors and valuable people we actually are.
Marty S., Identity Committee
Identity, Purpose and Relationship Committee: Roger N., Chairman; Marne C., Claudia P. and Marty S., members.
1 The Etiology of Combat-Related Post Traumatic Stress Disorders, p.16, Goodwin, Jim, Psy D., DISABLED AMERICAN VETERANS, Pub,. Cincinnati.
2 Post traumatic stress is the tension of unresolved grief following the loss of fundamental security.
from: http://www.minnesotarecovery.info/aca/report1.htm
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
The central problem for ACA's is a mistaken belief, formed in childhood, which affects every part of our lives. As children, we fought to survive the destructive effects of alcoholism, and began an endless struggle to change a troubled, dysfunctional family into a loving, supportive one. We reach adulthood believing we failed, unable to see that no one can stop the traumatic effects of family alcoholism.
Following naturally from this pervasive sense of failure are self-blames, shames and guilt. These self-accusations ultimately lead to self-hate. Accepting our basic powerlessness to control alcoholic behavior, and its effect on the family, is the key that unlocks the inner-child and lets reparenting begin. When the "First Step" is applied to the family alcoholism, a fundamental basis for self-hate no longer exists.
Two characteristics identify the ACA Program. The program is for adults raised in alcoholic homes, and although substance abuse may exist, the focus is on the self, specifically on reaching and freeing the inner-child, hidden behind a protective shield of denial.
The purpose of ACA is three-fold... to shelter and support "newcomers" in confronting "denial"; to comfort those mourning their early loss of security, trust and love; and to teach the skills for re-parenting ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect.
Moving from isolation is the first step an Adult Child makes in recovering the self. Isolation is both a prison and a sanctuary. Adult Children, suspended between need and fear, unable to choose between fight or flight, agonize in the middle and resolve the tension by explosive bursts of rebellion or silently enduring the despair. Isolation is our retreat from the pain of indecision. This retreat into denial blunts our awareness of the destructive reality of family alcoholism and is the first stage of mourning and grief. It allows us to cope with the loss of love and to survive in the face of neglect and abuse.
The return of feelings is the second stage of mourning and indicates a healing has begun. Initial feelings of anger, guilt, rage and despair resolve into a final acceptance of loss. Genuine grieving for our childhood ends our morbid fascination with the past and lets us return to the present, free to live as adults.
Confronting years of pain and loss at first seems overwhelming. Jim Goodwin, in describing the post-traumatic stress of Vietnam Veterans, writes that some veterans "actually believe that if they once again allow themselves to feel, that they may never stop crying or may completely lose control..."
Sharing the burden of grief that others feel gives us the courage and strength to face our own bereavement. The pain of mourning and grief is balanced by being able, once again, to fully love and care for someone and to freely experience joy in life.
The need to re-parent ourselves comes from our efforts to feel safe as children. The violent nature of alcoholism darkened our emotional world and left us wounded, hurt and unable to feel. This extreme alienation from our own internal direction kept us helplessly dependent on those we mistrusted and feared.
In an unstable, hostile, and often dangerous environment, we attempted to meet the impossible demands of living with family alcoholism and our lives were soon out of control. To make sense of the confusion, and to end our feelings of fear, we denied inconsistencies in what we were taught. We held rigidly to a few certain beliefs, or we rebelled and distrusted all outside interference.
Freedom begins with being open to love. The dilemma of abandonment is a choice between painful intimacy or isolation, but the consequence is the same, we protect ourselves by rejecting the vulnerable inner-child and are forced to live without warmth or love. Without love, intimacy and isolation are equally painful, empty and incomplete.
Love dissolves self-hate. We give ourselves the love we seek and embrace the lonely child inside. With a child's sensitivity we reach out to explore the world again and become aware of the need to love and trust others.
The warm affection we have for each other heals our inner hurt. ACA's loving acceptance and gentle support lessen our feelings of fear. We share our beliefs and distrust without judgment or criticism. We realize the insanity of alcoholism and become willing to replace the confusing beliefs of childhood with the clear, consistent direction of the 12-Steps and Traditions, and to accept the authority of the loving God they reflect.
ACA's relationship to other anonymous programs is shared dependence on the 12-Steps for a spiritual awakening. Each program's focus is different, but the solution remains the same.
In childhood, our identity is formed by the reflection we see in the eyes of the people around us. We fear losing that reflection... thinking the mirror makes us real and we disappear or have no self without it.
The distorted image of family alcoholism is not who we are. And we are not the unreal person trying to mask that distortion. In ACA we do not stop abusing a substance, or losing ourselves in another. We stop believing we have no worth and start to see our true identity, reflected in the eyes of other Adult Children, as the strong survivors and valuable people we actually are.
Marty S., Identity Committee
Identity, Purpose and Relationship Committee: Roger N., Chairman; Marne C., Claudia P. and Marty S., members.
1 The Etiology of Combat-Related Post Traumatic Stress Disorders, p.16, Goodwin, Jim, Psy D., DISABLED AMERICAN VETERANS, Pub,. Cincinnati.
2 Post traumatic stress is the tension of unresolved grief following the loss of fundamental security.
from: http://www.minnesotarecovery.info/aca/report1.htm
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
