The ACA Promises

Many adult children of alcoholics have heard "The Promises" of ACA recovery. If you haven't or if it's been a while, someone was kind enough to post a creative video of them on Youtube as seen below.

The ACA Promises



Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Relationships Foster Resilience

We hear and see it all the time in ACA/ACOA meetings and literature: "The first step is coming out of isolation". This sentiment is now being echoed by those studying overcoming adversity and increasing "resilience".

A recent article from psychologytoday.com suggests that regardless of your past or your genetic ability to handle stress, anyone can cultivate resilience. Psychiatrist Steven Wolin, M.D., defines resilience as "the capacity to rise above adversity". His findings are based on 20 years of his own research on adult children of alcoholics. Most of them, he has found, do not repeat their parents' drinking patterns.

Those who overcame adversity yet lacked strong family support systems growing up, sought and received help from others—a teacher, a neighbor, the parents of peers or, eventually, a spouse. They were not afraid to talk about the hard times they were having to someone who cared for their well-being.

Resilient children often hang out with families of untroubled peers. As adults, the resilient children of alcoholics marry into stable, loving families with whom they spend a great deal of time.


Psychologist Edith Grotberg, Ph.D., urges people to propagate their own resilience by thinking along three lines:

1. I Have: strong relationships, structure, rules at home, role models; these are external supports that are provided

2. I Am: a person who has hope and faith, cares about others, is proud of myself; these are inner strengths that can be developed

3. I Can: communicate, solve problems, gauge the temperament of others, seek good relationships—all interpersonal and problem-solving skills that are acquired.

It's often been said that the path to healing and maintaining recovery involves being around healing, balanced people; a safe group, family, friend, recovery org., therapist, church group, etc. The biggest challenge to improving resilience may be to overcome the long standing isolation that once provided protection from trauma and dysfunction.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200305/the-art-resilience

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Your Addiction

But "I'm not the addict!" you protest. Perhaps there is someone close to you whose addictive, abusive behavior has caused you trauma. This type of behavior can replicate itself in victims who then begin to mimic or echo the same actions.

According to "The Threads Of Addiction" by James Krehbiel at www.theimproper.com/Template_Article.aspx?IssueId=6&ArticleId=2451, family members may adopt behavioral characteristics similar to the addict.

The threads of addiction can be traced back to "personality characteristics which sustain the addiction." These include problems with trust, dependency, abandonment, shame, guilt, and the expression of deep feelings.

Addictive behaviors are an attempt to avoid undesirable or painful experiences and addictive cravings are triggered by self defeating beliefs. Addicts often experience emotional problems such as anxiety, depression and obsessive-compulsive characteristics and tend to be fueled by thwarted anger and self-blame. "Shame-based beliefs and feelings are at the core of all addictions."

The primary purpose for addictive behavior is to reduce anxiety.

Often, adults whose parents were alcoholics choose to attend Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meetings and/or a quality counselor who is trained in addressing issues related to addictions treatment.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Childhood Trauma and Future Addiction

The Link Between Early Childhood Trauma and Future Addiction



Many studies have shown, the roots of addiction and substance abuse often reach much deeper than most people assume, with traumatic early childhood abuse and family dysfunction laying the foundation for more troubling behavior later in life.

Vincent J. Felitti, MD, head of preventive medicine at Kaiser Permanente in San Diego, has identified seven different categories of "adverse childhood experiences," including three categories of abuse and four categories of household dysfunction. The categories of abuse include verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse. The categories of household dysfunction include the experience of living with a mentally ill family member.

For example, Jason was a 23-year-old with a bright future who turned to drugs and alcohol to cope with excessive childhood punishments and a scandalous break-up of his parent's marriage. Ben, 25, experienced a childhood filled with domestic violence, homelessness and isolation before eventually becoming a DXM addict. Lawrence, 34, was a successful owner of a chain of tanning salons who eventually turned to alcohol to dull the pain of emotional and physical abuse suffered in childhood.

This anecdotal evidence from "Intervention" is backed up by scientific and clinical studies showing that traumatic childhood experiences can lead to a higher risk of adult alcohol or substance addiction. Adult survivors of childhood physical, emotional, or sexual abuse are not only at increased risk for addiction, but they are increasingly more likely to suffer from a host of physical and mental health disorders, including depression, heart disease and obesity.

Doctors already realize that trauma survivors frequently smoke, drink, and overeat as a way to cope with their emotional turmoil. Now they are finding that the cases of early trauma may stunt the development of children's brains, leaving these children increasingly vulnerable to physical and mental disorders later in life.

The bottom line: parents need to take greater care to shelter their children from the risk of traumatic childhood experiences. They also need to be more tuned in to the moods of their children from a younger age to look for warning signs and be willing to take responsibility for helping children cope with their problems at an early age, which sometimes could mean professional counseling or treatment.

Excerpted from: http://www.aetv.com/intervention/insights/index.jsp

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Waive The White Flag!

Special thanks to Kristy for sharing her story:

A guy named Dean I met at camp came and handed out little white flags, as a symbol of surrendering, or "accepting what we cannot change." I have found it so useful to have a visual in my battle with myself, to give it up, turn it over, or otherwise make myself vulnerable. I waved it all day today, it helped. It's helping me develop a sense of humor about something I really struggle with. If all else fails, glue some white paper to the end of a stick and have fun with something historically difficult for ACA's.

I have several flags in the kitchen area in plain view to remind me to surrender my will, or decide not to get upset when I encounter a trial. I find that I need this tool when I start to feel I am losing my identity and perceive that I don't matter to others. This triggers anger for me. it is a control issue and it has to do with subconsciously trying to protect myself.

The problem is, my reaction of anger creates an unsafe environment for myself and those around me when I let it take over. Surrendering for me means I can feel the anger without letting it get out of control. I have been doing this by articulating to the appropriate person (usually my children) what the problem is and how it makes me feel. I finish by stating what I would like in the future.

The key is to STOP THERE! No more ranting and raving. I tried another method of saying nothing, but then I just held it in and exploded later. Anyway, after articulating, my anger goes away in a minute or two, and I feel like a normal person. I feel I handled a problem in a healthy way and it makes me feel good and hopeful. If my anger is triggered by a rude motorist, I have this conversation with God, and remember to have compassion on the other person, especially when they are screaming and wildly using hand gestures! I think how sad it is they are doing that to themselves (becoming a slave to anger) and remember I don't have to. It works fairly well.

I met Dean at the Fall Mountain Retreat of 07'. We haven't spoken since, but I learned of his flags a few weeks ago when he brought them to an ACA meeting, and handed out what he called, "the last 15" of several hundred that he has given away over a couple years, I believe. He still had a few left after the meeting. Maybe he will make more, I don't know. He said they are about surrendering, and accepting what we cannot change, as referenced in the serenity prayer. Just like the serenity prayer, these flags are profound yet simple.

Thanks for your interest, it is healing to have the privilege of others listening to my story. I feel as though I matter. =)

- Kristy


Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Camp Recovery 2008

Camp Recovery 2008 at Camp de Benneville Pines

"Emotions in Motion" April 25-27, 2008

Camp Recovery 2008 is a weekend of self-care where you and you inner child have the opportunity to grow, heal, play, discover reflect and work on yourselves. This year's camp features workshops, 12-step meetings, crafts, music, drumming, hiking, body movement, dancing and fellowship. All persons from ACA, CODA and similar 12-step programs are invited!

To find out more about this year's Camp Recovery, click here: Camp Recovery Info.

Camp de Benneville Pines is in the San Bernardino National Forest, about 90 miles east of Los Angeles. At an elevation of 6,800 feet and a short walk from Jenks Lake, the camp is surrounded by a forest of towering pines, cedars, and oaks.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

That Was Easy!

Have you ever met a "Decider"? A Decider is a person that makes choices so quickly and effortlessly you wonder how they do it.

I had a friend, Brian, who would walk into a car dealership and commit to buying a new vehicle within minutes. To him, it was not a spur of the moment or impulsive thing. He simply had the ability to surmise his options and make the right choice for himself very quickly with serenity and calm conviction.

He lived his entire life that way, making both big and small decisions as if he was deciding what to have for lunch. Brian was always intelligent, thoughtful and had tons of common sense. He was a wonderful source of advice on practically any issue. I am still amazed by his "gift".

Conversely, one of the common themes of many ACAers is difficulty in making decisions. This makes a complicated task requiring consistent focus and multiple steps quite daunting. No wonder we "Have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end."

My friend Brian's behavior inspired me to make my own decision making more efficient. First, I had to examine the process I had been using to make decisions. I found that I have allowed fear and negative emotions to cloud my ability.

"Judge themselves without mercy."

I know in my own life it is the fear of making a mistake that paralyzes me and freezes my ability to act. If I can't be sure it is the perfect decision, I am often not willing to make it. Have I considered all the options and ramifications? What if I regret my choice?

In reality, the "perfect" choice rarely presents itself. And the obsession with being perfect and wanting desperately not to ruffle other's feathers often makes choosing a painstaking task. I know if I fall short I am subject to "Judging myself without mercy."

Sometimes to avoid taking the risk of making a choice- I procrastinate. I tell myself I'll decide later after I gather more info. Then I promptly forget about the issue until it is "crunch" time or until it is too late. While waiting for some divine signal to guide me, opportunities have passed and deadlines have expired. Often with accompanying penalties. Then I am worse off than if I had just made an arbitrary choice and gone with it.

I am now much more aware of this game I play. When I catch myself doing it, I try to "reparent myself with gentleness, humor, love and respect". I remind myself that there are no perfect decisions. I come to grips with the fact that sometimes NOT making a decision is the worst decision of all.

"Lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternate behaviors or possible consequences. "

I've heard it said that successful people make important decisions quickly and easily. When I first heard it, this axiom was a real challenge to my way of thinking- I have actually waxed and waned tediously over what kind of toothpaste to buy. But after a while it made more sense to me.

Once a decision is made, action is initiated and the task at hand is that much closer to being accomplished. And one's mind is then free to respond to what's happening in the here and now. Fearful procrastinating only enables avoiding living in the present. Sometimes making ANY decision is better than none. And I have the power to make decisions work for me.

My logic tells me that most decisions are not that critical and that I can create a positive outcome out of nearly any path I choose. When I catch myself agonizing over some small thing, I remind myself that, in reality, it hardly matters. The worst outcome could not possibly match the level of anxiety I am attaching to it. When I realize this, it frees me to actually have fun with decision making and take a risk. I know I can make the best out of it no matter what.

I give myself the freedom to be wrong, make mistakes and even learn from them. If I mess up, so what? I made that decision promptly with the information I had at the time. And saved myself the grief of prolonged struggling over it.

Staying in practice helps on bigger issues. If I need to, I do a "gut check". This usually involves being still, having silence and relaxation. By not letting fear overwhelm the part of me that already knows the answer, I free myself to make a fitting choice.

I may not surpass Brian's ability to instantly see things with crystal clarity but I have seen positive results after committing to improve my own decision making capacities.

Thanks for listening,

Craig


Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Can You Change Dysfunction?

Little Miss Sunshine

Excerpts from http://www.couns.uiuc.edu/brochures/dysfunct.htm

Resulting Problems

Abuse and neglect inhibit the development of children's trust in the world, in others, and in themselves. Later as adults, these people may find it difficult to trust the behaviors and words of others, their own judgements and actions, or their own senses of selfworth. Not surprisingly, they may experience problems in their academic work, their relationships, and in their very identities.

Making Changes

Sometimes we continue in our roles because we are waiting for our parents to give us "permission"; to change. But that permission can come only from you. Like most people, parents in dysfunctional families often feel threatened by changes in their children. As a result, they may thwart your efforts to change and insist that you "change back." That's why it's so important for you to trust your own perceptions and feelings. Change begins with you. Some specific things you can do include:

Identify painful or difficult experiences that happened during your childhood. Make a list of your behaviors, beliefs, etc. that you would like to change. Next to each item on the list, write down the behavior, belief, etc. that you would like to do/have instead. Pick one item on your list and begin practicing the alternate behavior or belief. Choose the easiest item first.
Once you are able to do the alternate behavior more often than the original, pick another item on the list and practice changing it, too. In addition to working on your own, you might find it helpful to work with a group of people with similar experiences and/or with a professional counselor.

Special Considerations

As you make changes, keep in mind the following:

Stop trying to be perfect. In addition, don't try to make your family perfect. Realize that you are not in control of other people's lives. You do not have the power to make others change. Don't try to win the old struggles - you can't win. Set clear limits - e.g., if you do not plan on visiting your parents for a holiday, say "no," not "be." Identify what you would like to have happen. Recognize that when you stop behaving the way you used to, even for a short time, there may be adverse reactions from your family or friends. Anticipate what the reactions will be (e.g., tears, yelling, other intimidating responses) and decide how you will respond.

Final Note

Don't become discouraged if you find yourself slipping back into old patterns of behavior. Changes may be slow and gradual; however, as you continue to practice new and healthier behaviors, they will begin to become part of your day to day living.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

H.A.L.T. In The Name Of Serenity!

H.A.L.T.

H.A.L.T. indicates that you need to stop and take care of yourself when you get Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Being too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, are conditions that leave us more vulnerable to the temptations that lead us away from our program of recovery. Part of recovery is learning to pay attention to these inner signals and practice appropriate ways to meet our needs and resolve issues in a manner that will enhance our serenity.

When HUNGRY, you not only need enough food, but the right kinds of foods. Although food comes immediately to mind, there are many other things for which we can “hunger.” We all need a sense of worth, connection to others and to something bigger than ourselves, appreciation, and many others. Miss out on some of these basic emotional needs for very long and we can end up sad or depressed.

When ANGRY, stop and deal with it using your recovery tools. Pray. Get some exercise and fresh air. Talk to a sponsor, counselor or trusted recovery friend. Remember that your serenity, not your ego, is the important thing. I get angry, you get angry, we all get angry. No problem there. The problem comes when anger is our most common emotion and our first response to most situations. Recent research has demonstrated that constant anger is not only not good for you, it can kill you. Pay attention to and deal with the emotions that anger typically grows out of: fear, frustration, hurt.

LONELY - In spite of all the modern ways we have to communicate with each other, we still live in a culture where it is incredibly easy to become isolated. Most people don’t know the names of their neighbors on either side or across the street. I know of people who are “just too busy” to spend the time to connect with other people. These folks are way too busy for their own good. Take the time to connect and stay connected to others. Walk next door and introduce yourself. Call an old friend you have not spoken with in a while. Stay connected.

TIRED - Vince Lombardi said “Fatigue makes cowards of us all.” It’s not that most people don’t have the time to rest, it’s that most people have actually forgotten how. When it comes to the ultimate form of rest, sleeping, when was the last time you got the recommended 8 - 10 hours? In addition to getting enough sleep, schedule time to rest. Put it in your appointment book, and protect it and keep it like you would any other important appointment.

When you find yourself in H.A.L.T. mode, refrain from making important decisions until you have taken time for yourself and are in a better frame of mind. It may be helpful to attend a 12-Step meeting, phone someone in recovery or be of good service to someone. Sometimes the onset of anxiety or a sudden drop in mood can be traced to our having forgotten to eat so our blood sugar levels are off kilter. Sometimes we may be carrying a resentment, or feeling lonely, or we are just too tired.

Taking a little time out from our busy day to ask ourselves if we are feeling too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, gets us in touch with our feelings. When we know what we are feeling we can make choices and take the appropriate action to get our needs for food, companionship, or rest, met.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

What's Your Emotional IQ?

From http://alternativebroadcasting.org/archives/2007/08/20/emotional-intelligence-and-acas-adult-children-of-alcoholics/

Emotional Intelligence and ACAs (Adult Children of Alcoholics)

August 20th, 2007

Everyone in the alcoholic’s family suffers effects from the
disease. Typically everyone involved in the life of the
alcoholic and dysfunctional family has low or no emotional
intelligence. They don’t know what they think or feel, and don’t
think they have a right to. Many of the challenges facing Adult
Children of Alcoholics (ACAs) can be addressed by developing
Emotional Intelligence. Here are some examples.

[Source: Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization
(http://www.adultchildren.org )

1. ACAs tend to over-react to anger and criticism, and are
afraid of authority figures.

EQ COMPETENCY: Constructive discontent.

If you’re an ACA and someone gets angry at you, you shrink
inside and shut down or panic, reacting in a way that isn’t
always appropriate to the actual real-life situation. Learning
constructive ways to deal with the emotions engendered by
disagreement and criticism are part of EQ.

Emotional Intelligence means not taking constructive criticism
personally and emotionally, but getting the message and
benefiting from it. Experiencing fear and anger, strong emotions
designed for survival, can’t be controlled, but we always have a
choice in how we respond to them.

2. ACAs often feel isolated and lonely and uneasy with other
people.

EQ COMPETENCY: Interpersonal skills, Emotional Expression and
Communication.

Isolation is one of the worst things we can do to ourselves. To
live in emotional isolation can be worse on our health than such
things as smoking and being overweight. Learning to communicate
well, and express feelings appropriately is part of the EQ
experience.

3. ACAs feel like victims when something bad happens to them.

EQ COMPETENCY: Personal Power.

Personal Power is the opposite of victim-ology. Instead of
asking “Who will take care of me?” you learn to ask, “How will I
take care of myself?” It means building confidence in your
ability to handle your life and believing that you can do it.

4. ACAs are often uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. They’re
afraid to reveal their feelings and who they are, and reluctant
to become vulnerable.

EQ COMPETENCY: Emotional Expression.

The first step in EQ is self-awareness; to become aware of your
feelings. Only then can you learn how to express them accurately
and appropriately.

5. ACAs tend to confuse pity with love, and to be more concerned
about others than they are about themselves.

EQ COMPETENCY: Interpersonal skills, Empathy.

Healthy Empathy means being able to understand where the other
person is coming from, but with respect for one’s own
boundaries. You can understand how the other person feels, but
not have to join them in the feeling. Empathy does not involve
the feeling of pity.

6. ACAs judge themselves harshly and are over-responsible. Often
they are perfectionists.

EQ COMPETENCY: Being adamantly and relentlessly self-forgiving.

Understanding that we’re human, and that we all make mistakes is
what this is all about. It takes a lot of practice for most of
us to ‘get’ this competency. It involves self-talk and learned
optimism, and managing the emotions of failures, losses,
rejections and mistakes. It isn’t good for your health, your
work, or your relationships to be a perfectionist!

7. ACAs have difficulty in identifying, understanding, and
expressing their feelings.

EQ COMPETENCY: EQ!

The cornerstone of Emotional Intelligence is self-awareness –
being able to identify and understand your feelings. If you
lived in an environment where feelings were not welcome,
denigrated, mocked, punished, ignored, denied, or lied about, it
will take some practice to be able to bring them up, identify
them, and understand them. That’s what EQ coaching is all about!

8. ACAs over-value the approval of others, and will ignore their
own values, preferences and beliefs in deference to others’.
Feeling vulnerable, they protect themselves by being overly
anxious to please others.

EQ COMPETENCY: Integrated Self, Personal Power and
Intentionality.

These competencies help us stay centered, and act with intent,
based on our own values, preferences, feelings, thoughts, and
beliefs. When we own and claim our Personal Power, we can aim to
get along with others with good will, but are no longer driven
to please someone else at our own expense.

9. ACAs tend to be addicted to excitement. They are risk seekers
who prefer constant upset to workable solutions.

EQ COMPETENCY: Understanding, accepting and processing emotions,
operating with Intentionality, and often being able eventually
to modulate emotions.

EQ means learning where emotions come from and how they operate
and being able to make choices instead of knee jerk reactions.
We learn the different ‘feel’ or emotions from the reptilian
brain and the limbic brain, and when and how to blend this with
the thinking brain, the neocortex. Understanding where the need
for excitement comes from allows us to manage it, and avoid
chaotic situations that self-sabotage. EQ is all about workable
solutions and how to achieve them.

10. ACAs are imprisoned by childhood reactions.

EQ COMPETENCY: Emotional Intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence means understanding where emotions come
from, and being able to experience them, consider them, learn
from them, and then make a decision to respond (or not), instead
of reacting without thinking. Developing your Emotional
Intelligence will help you avoid being entrapped in any
unrealistic, rash or un-reasoned reaction.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Can I Be Normal?

from http://alcoholselfhelpnews.wordpress.com/2007/09/22/adult-children-of-alcoholics-can-practice-being-normal/

Adult children of alcoholics can practice ‘being normal’

“Sometimes I feel like I was raised by wolves,” sighed James, a 55-year-old man who grew up in a home with two alcoholic parents. “I’ve gone through so much of my life guessing at what ‘normal’ is. It’s like trying to find your way through a dark woods without a compass.”

According to Rosemary Hartman, supervisor of the Hazelden Family Program in Center City, Minn., reactions like James’ are typical for people who grew up in dysfunctional families. But acknowledging that there were issues that deeply affected the whole family system is an important first step toward emotional and spiritual healing.

Hartman said this acknowledgment frequently happens when adults have their own children. “They want to be good parents, but struggle with how to do it. They have some notions that are guided by principles in culture that sound good, but they don’t know how to practice them because they had no role models.”

Often, children raised in alcoholic families learn the “four Ds” early on:

Don’t talk about what is really going on.
Don’t trust anyone but yourself.
Don’t feel or have needs because there is no one available to validate or respond to you.
Deny there is a problem.

Because they don’t know what “normal” is, they may constantly seek approval or affirmation. What might be considered overachieving by others might seem routine to children of alcoholics who learned to try to be perfect so they wouldn’t disrupt things or incur the wrath of the alcoholic.

Children in such a system may also have trouble identifying or expressing their feelings. In their homes it may not have been okay to cry or be angry. Sentiments crucial to a child like “I’m sorry,” or even “I love you,” might have been absent or not authentic, delivered without an emotional foundation or behaviors consistent with such statements.

There is a saying in Twelve Step mutual-help groups that “We’re only as sick as our secrets,” but breaking the pattern of secrecy or the no-talk rules that may have existed in a family can be difficult. “It’s only been within the last 25-30 years that people began to talk about these things,” explained Hartman. “For persons with older parents, there was such a lack of understanding of addiction as an illness. It was considered a moral issue, and people with addictions were viewed as weak—as bad parents, people or spouses.”

It’s important to understand, said Hartman, that acknowledging the reality of an alcoholic family is not about blame. It’s about understanding the disease of alcoholism and the dire effects it can have on a family, then taking responsibility for your own behavior once you’ve gained the tools with which to live a healthy and balanced life.

An Al-Anon-affiliated group for adult children is an excellent place to start, said Hartman. “Part of the problem with growing up in an alcoholic family system is there aren’t consistent principles and values,” she said. “The Twelve Steps offer a set of principles by which we can live that are in line with every belief system.”

A Twelve Step group also provides a safe place where people can check things out to see if their responses, reactions and feelings are appropriate. In other words, it’s a great place to practice “being normal,” ask for help, and receive support and validation.

Hartman said that people on a journey of healing typically go through a grief process, encountering emotions like denial, anger and fear along the way. There is often grief surrounding the loss of the myth of family and the loss of a happy childhood. The goal, she said, is to learn about addiction, develop new coping mechanisms, let go of resentment or judgment, and ultimately move to a place of compassion and kindness towards others.

Hartman cautions adult children to approach recovery “slowly and quietly,” and to concentrate on themselves. “This is your own personal journey and it may be threatening to family members who still view alcoholism as a moral failing or who feel you are being disloyal by telling family secrets. You can’t take others along, but you can demonstrate positive changes. We can’t rewrite history, but we can take steps today to make sure that history doesn’t repeat itself.”

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Poem From An Adult Child

Growing up was very hard,
Wondering how I make it this far,
All the pain I felt inside,
Is it any wonder I wanted to die?

Looking at myself today,
Why has it not gone away?
All those beatings that made me cry,
That’s the time I wished I died.

All the things that were said to me,
Through my life I believed.
It’s time to look deep inside,
Life’s to precious to want to die.

Today’s the day I say goodbye,
To all the pain I feel inside.
It’s time to forgive the people from the past,
To me that seems like a good place to start.

It’s time to look at all the good in my life,
And stop dwelling on the past.
To open my eyes to the world and see,
At all the beauty waiting for me.

It’s time to wake up and see,
I’ve come to realize it’s down to me.
Thinking of the positives in my life,
That should stop me thinking from of the past.

- Mick

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Special thanks to Mick for sharing his heartfelt poem with all of us.


Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

ACA Bill Of Rights

I have a right to all those good times that I have longed for all these years and didn't get.

I have a right to joy in this life, right here, right now- not just a momentary rush of euphoria, but something more substantive.

I have a right to relax and have fun in a non-alcoholic and non-destructive way.

I have the right to actively pursue people, places, and situations that will help me in achieving a good life.

I have a right to say no whenever I feel something is not safe or I am not ready.

I have a right to not participate in either the active or passive "crazy-making" behavior of parents, siblings, or others.

I have a right to take calculated risks and to experiment with new strategies.

I have a right to change my tune, my strategy, and my funny equations.

I have a right to "mess up", to make mistakes, to "blow it", to disappoint myself, and to fall short of the mark.

I have a right to leave the company of people who deliberately or inadvertently put me down, lay a guilt trip on me, manipulate or humiliate me, including my alcoholic parent, my nonalcoholic parent, or any other member of my family.

I have a right to put an end to conversations with people who make me feel put down and humiliated.

I have a right to all my feelings.

I have a right to trust my feelings, my judgment, my hunches, my intuition.

I have a right to develop myself as a whole person, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, sexually, and psychologically.

I have a right to express my feelings in a non-destructive way and at a safe time and place.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

How Do I Get Healed?

From: "The Road to Recovery" by Dick Innes

We were damaged in unhealthy family relationships—we are healed in healthy family relationships.

As the rules for a dysfunctional family are you don't talk, you don't trust, and you don't feel, the rules for a healthy family are that you do talk, you do trust, and you do feel. So, to recover from the effects of a dysfunctional family background, you need to find a church or chapel that has groups where it is safe to talk, to trust and to feel—where you will be loved for who you are and not for what you have or haven't done.

Furthermore, these small groups—be they care groups, support groups, therapy groups, or twelve-step recovery groups—are the closest thing to a family you can find. And as long as they are open, honest, safe, accepting, non-judgmental and loving, they hold the key for the recovery of millions of families and individuals.

It is absolutely essential that we be connected to loving, accepting, and non-judgmental people with whom we can share our darkest secrets and who will love and accept us as we are. Through their love and acceptance we learn to love and accept ourselves.

It is this love that heals us and sets us free. But we can only be loved to the degree that we are known. Thus to be known we need to bring our dark side into the light.

Read the entire article here: "The Road to Recovery"

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Dick Innes, Founder and International Director of ACTS International, commenced the literature outreach ministry of ACTS in 1968. He also works part time as the Director of Publications of the Narramore Christian Foundation (NCF), a Christian mental health organization, located in the Los Angeles area in California, and was for several years the editor of the NCF Psychology for Living magazine.


Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Head VS Heart

This weeks post is from a fellow ACAer who volunteered to share her story:

Coming from a family of dysfunctional people and a parent that drank and left me when she was drunk, abandonment is my biggest fear. I fear that people will not like me so I do anything possible to make sure that will not happen. Then I feel angry that those same people when they do not pay me back in kind.

Now I understand why "people pleasing" is so harmful because utimately, it makes the one doing it angry. Possibly that is the reason some people say... "I will never help or trust again," or worse, isolate. For me, people pleasing is a set up for a hurt heart.

Why can't the head and heart cooperate?

I think there is an answer to the head and heart problem when it comes to people pleasing. I do not want to be abandoned, so I kiss up to people, which is my head talking. My head is the part of me that remembers past events and how the heart felt when it was abandonded. I contend our heart has no memory of abandonment so herein is the problem. After I have interacted with a person I do not want to lose, I kiss up (people please, brown nose, whatever you want to call it). My head says I am doing a good thing because I am preventing hurt to the heart.

The hurt here is what the heart felt during abandonment as a child. The heart has no idea why it is hurting, just that it has been told by the head that it should hurt.

If I could circumvent the connection from the head to the heart by having no expectations and only doing something for someone because I wanted to do it, that would let me do things for others and protect my heart from hurt if they did not repay me in kind. Yep...that seems to work for me!

It is amazing that I read the Bible and heard this all before but did not internalize it. I thank the good LORD for leading me to ACA. ACA helped my head understand so it can stop telling my heart to be scared or hurt. For that I thank you GOD, ACA and all those who have helped me on the path of healing.

Look up, things are going to be better when you know the truth! Hang in there little hearts, your heads are going to get better!

Hugs and joy,

D

Thank You for sharing, D!

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

What I've Learned From Step 1

Step 1- "We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable."

Letting Go

How nice it is to not worry about things that are not my problem. I do still have the tendency to get overly concerned with things that are not my responsibility. But I am getting better at realizing when my codependency kicks in and NOT acting on those feelings. And then feeling good about my ability to not to act out of some misguided sense of duty.

Hard as I try, I can't control everything. At times, I can control almost nothing. And being OK with that is the most liberating feeling!

Like it says in "The Problem"; "We had come to feel isolated, uneasy with other people, and especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process."

To me, this is the root of my urge to overcommit my time, energy and effort to a given person or project. It used to be an automatic, fear based reaction for me. The thinking goes something like...If I offer something of value to you and make you dependent on me, you can't hate me.

Now I stop and think about it... What's best for me? Is that something I really want to do? Do I really have the time needed or will I be sacrificing completing some other important matter? How much will I resent putting my own needs on the back burner for this?

Or when I really get stressed I ask myself, "Is the earth going to stop spinning if I don't jump in here?"

These questions bring me clarity and I can then make a decision with confidence and no regrets. And sometimes, because I'm focusing on taking care of ME, the answer has to be "no". Reasonable people usually understand. My great fear of being castigated by someone because of my decision never materializes. And I know that if someone tries to use guilt or pressure me unduly, THEY are being dysfunctional. And that's never a good enough reason for me to do anything.

It sure feels good when I treat myself this way. I then have more of "me" to give and share with others.

Craig

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Can You Change Your Future?

Reprinted from The Daily Encounter http://www.actsweb.org/

Don't Let Your Past Dictate Your Future

It is true that our lives are significantly shaped during our early formative years and many of our character issues formed then are with us for the rest of our lives.

What if we grew up in a home that was less than wholesome or where we may have been emotionally abused if not physically abused? It's interesting to note that where I live physical and sexual abuse of a child is justifiably considered a crime and is punishable by law with the likelihood of being sentenced to time in jail.

Furthermore, if the abuse is by a parent, the child is often removed from his or her custody. Tragically, emotional abuse is not even considered a crime and, depending on the intensity, can be just as, or even more, psychologically damaging as physical or sexual abuse.

As an adult, overcoming the effects of childhood abuse and love deprivation is possible but it can be very challenging. Speaking personally, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and because I felt unloved and rejected, especially by my father, for many years I felt extremely insecure and felt that I was ugly and unlovable. True, I was not responsible for my upbringing, but as an adult I realized that I was responsible for overcoming my less than wholesome background.

Besides having a lot of therapy, one of many significant things I did to resolve the effects of my impaired relationship with my father was to go to his gravesite and in my imagination I "talked to him" as if he were there with me. I said, "Dad, if you were still alive today what advice would you have for me?" The answer that came to my mind was, "Don't let your past control your future."

Good advice. True, I may have been a victim in the past but if I chose to remain a victim I would have become a willing volunteer.

For healthy living and loving relationships it is imperative that we resolve all our past impaired relationships and forgive all who have ever hurt us. We don't have to remain a victim but with God's help, and that of others where necessary, we can overcome a hurtful past and become all that God envisioned for us to be.

The choice is ours. So, whatever you do don't let your past control your future.

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Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Camp Recovery 2007

Fellow ACA-er, Randy, tells of his experience at Camp Recovery the weekend of April 27, 2007.

This past weekend I attended "Camp Recovery" located in the San Bernardino mountains at Camp De-Benneville and I wanted to share this experience with other ACA-ers. First I have to tell you that I would never have had the courage to go if it were not for the help I have received from attending the weekly meetings. The anticipation and anxiety that preceded my arrival was at times very difficult but once I arrived I found the camp to be the single, greatest event towards my recovery since I started ACA one year ago.

The people, organizers, and camp staff were the best. I have never fit into a group so quickly or felt so welcomed as I did at camp. This was a weekend full of discovery, hard work, interventions, peace, tranquility, love, faith, hope, growth, and time away from the busy world. The 12 step meetings, workshops, meditation, and the friendships that I made were so rewarding and really filled me with so much hope and joy.

Oh, did I mention the food was really, really good! I can't remember feeling so good about myself in a really long time. My fears subsided, I discovered new issues to work, and the best part is that I had so many others with the same issues where we would talk for hours. The most difficult part of camp is when we all had to say good by and return home.

I continue to use the tools that I have learned at camp as I work on my recovery. I have a renewed appreciation for myself, my family, and my friends. I highly recommend this camp and would love to see you all of you next time.

Your ACA Family Member, Randy

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Thank you Randy, for sharing your thoughts with us!

Upcoming ACA/12 Step events:

Mingus Mountain Retreat

A 12 step gathering for anyone in recovery or who would like to find out about recovery.

May 18th, 19th and 20th

www.mingusretreat.com


ACA Comedy Night

June 22, 2007 8:30 pm

Martini Blues
Huntington Beach
714-840-2129


21st Annual International ACA Convention

November 2 - 4, 2007

Lake San Marcos Resort (formerly known as the Quails Inn)
Lake San Marcos, CA (just north of San Diego, CA)

The theme for 2007 will be "The Magic of Recovery". All in recovery welcome. A wonderful week-end of fellowship and recovery featuring speakers, workshops, and meetings in the relaxing environment of the Lake San Marco's Resort. This year's theme is "The Magic of Recovery".

For more info visit the Convention website at http://www.acaconvention.org or contact info@acaconvention.org.



Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Pain Is God's Megaphone

An uncomfortable feeling is not an enemy. It’s a gift that says, "Get honest; inquire." We reach out for alcohol, or television, or credit cards, so we can focus out there and not have to look at the feeling. And that's as it should be, because in our innocence we haven't known how. So now what we can do is reach out for a paper and a pencil, write thought down, and investigate.

from http://www.byronkatie.com

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Are You Ready To Have A Happy Childhood?

Healing The Inner Child

The Inner Child refers to that part of each of us which is ultimately alive, it is the emotional self-where our feelings live. When we experience joy, sadness, anger, fear, or affection our Child Within is coming out. When we are being playful, spontaneous, creative, intuitive and surrendering to the spiritual self, our Genuine Authentic Self, who we know deep within us, our Real Self is being welcomed and encouraged to be present.

We all have an inner child and the wounds our inner child received can and do continue to contaminate our adult lives. Our parents helped create this Inner Child part of us, society also helped with the creation. When this child self is not allowed to be heard or even acknowledged as being real, a false or co-dependent self emerges. We begin to live our lives as victims.

Then we have situations that arise in our lives which develop into unresolved emotional traumas. The gradual accumulation of unfinished mental and emotional business can lead to and fuel chronic anxiety, fear, confusion, emptiness and unhappiness through all of our life.

Besides the Inner Child / adolescent part, we have many other selves which are trying to be heard and take control, without us really hearing the voices until we make an effort to do so. Initially, it is very important to tame the Inner Critic part of us. That voice from the past often keeps beating up our Inner Child. This voice invades whatever trauma and pain there was in our childhood.

The wise Nurturing Self part of us can learn to stand as a protector self for the Inner Child. It’s the job of the Nurturer to be loving and self-affirming. This part of us can also teach the Inner Critic a new job of support instead of beating the Child self up, and can love the Inner Critic so that the Inner Child self can relax and not have to work so hard.

This is often where the internal battle begins. The Inner Critic has been keeping the Inner Child muffled and secluded. Often, it is a case of transforming the Inner Critic to be a good internal parent, beginning to listen to the Inner Child and to allow it to have fun and be heard.

Denial of the Inner Child and the co-dependent self are particularly common among children and adults who grew up in troubled or dysfunctional families. This is where chronic physical mental illness, rigidity, frigidity or lack of nurturing is common. Yet, there is a way out. There is a way to discover and to heal our Inner Child / adolescent part and to break free of the bondage and suffering of our co-dependent or false self.

This is called self-nurturing or re-parenting which allows us to reclaim that wounded child. We can provide for ourselves all the love and support and positive regard we never had and grow up again. It’s the easiest thing in the world to turn our feelings inwards and connect directly with that part of us that can offer comfort and support.

It is not the past as such that effects us – it is our images of it. By re-parenting or reclaiming that wounded child, we uncover any conscious or unconscious mythology of ourselves and begin to re-evaluate and transform it.

Linear time does not apply when we work internally and with the unconscious. It is possible to bring our present wise and loving self, to meet and help our young Inner Child and offer comfort and support and find a new joy and energy in living. This process to discover and heal our Inner Child can be quite astounding.

Through guidance, understanding and love we can learn to know how to form healthy and loving relationships by learning to love ourselves primarily. Because we have dysfunctional relationships internally, we have dysfunctional relationships externally. Loving ourselves is about unconditional love which means no judgement and no shame.

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Examples of some of the parts of the Child you might find inside are:

The Abandoned Child

This child part that has been left in some way through divorce or adoption or just left because the parents were kept busy working. This part is always fearful that it will be abandoned again and again. This part of the self is starving for extra attention and reassurance that it is safe and wanted.
This self is very lonely.

The Neglected Child

The child self that was always left alone without much nurturing and love.
It doesn’t believe it is lovable or worthwhile. It finds it difficult to express and doesn’t know how to love.
It is depressed and wants to hide and cry.

The Playful Child

That self that is naturally playful, creative, spontaneous and fun, the loving child. This part longs to play. Many of us have forgotten how to do this and be free without guilt or anxiety because as adults we must be doing something that is `worthwhile`.

The Spoiled Child

That part of us who wants what it wants and it wants it now, and if it doesn’t get what it wants, it throws a temper tantrum.

The Fearful Child

This part has been overly criticised when young. Now it is anxious and in panic much of the time. It needs lots of encouragement and positive affirmations.

The Disconnected Child

This Inner Child part which never learns to be close to anyone. It is isolated and dissociated. Intimacy feels alien and scary. Trust is a basic issue.

The Discounted Child

This is a part of the self that was ignored and treated as though it did not exist. It feels invisible. It doesn’t believe in itself and needs lots of love to assist and support it.

These are all possibilities of the different Inner Child parts that might be inside us and they need support which will allow us to embark on a journey of profound healing, indeed Inner Child work is fundamental to healing!

NOW is the best time to do it.

"it is never to late to have a happy childhood".

excerpted from; http://elevatedtherapy.org.uk/index-page5.html

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children