Symptoms Of Codependency

Codependency and Adult Children Of Alcoholics go hand in hand. Being Codependent is not "bad". It could even be seen as a valuable coping mechanism that helps those growing up in dysfunctional families survive. This reaction may now work against us and keep us locked in unhealthy behaviors. 

 Codependent behavior may have been such an intrinsic part of our lives for so long that it may be hard to consciously realize now when we are doing it. The following list can be used as a reminder of what defines it and a yardstick to measure how far we have come:

1. External focus, never looking inside-  always focused on other person or people.

2. Tries to control behavior of others through approval-seeking and people-pleasing behavior.

3. Experiences intimacy by discounting own feelings, and empathizing with feelings of others.

4. Loss of healthy boundaries, generally resulting from doing things for others that violate one’s values, and from accepting unacceptable behavior from others.

5. Frozen feelings, numbness with regard to one’s own feelings. Depression may also result from repressed anger.

6. Low self-esteem. Self is valued according to others’ opinions. Uses martyr, victim, and messiah role to bolster self-esteem.

7. Generalized anxiety, related to lack of control of one’s life.

8. Mental preoccupation. Racing thoughts. Inability to enjoy mental silence and serenity. Inability to relax and stay in the moment.

9. Lack of assertiveness: inability to ask directly for one’s true needs. Inability to confront unhealthy behavior in others.

10. Narcissism. In the absence of healthy, legitimate boundaries, others are seen as for or against self.

Take the "Am I a codependent?" test here: http://www.karenmcmahon.com/2011/09/18/am-i-a-codependent/

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Beyond The "Laundry List"

Many of us are familiar with the "ACA Characteristics" or "Laundry List" of ACA behaviors.

Here is a more in depth description of behaviors resulting from being brought up in a "dysfunctional family". A dysfunctional family is a family system based on "denial" or "shame-based rules" in which there is always an avoidance of confrontation and inability to resolve conflict.

Codependent characteristics and attitudes:

Caretaking

* think and feel responsible for other people.
* feel pity when other people have a problem.
* feel compelled to help that person solve the problem.
* feel angry when your help isn't effective.
* find themselves doing more than their fair share of the work.
* over commit themselves.
* feel victimized, unappreciated, and used.

Low Self-Worth

* come from repressed families.
* get defensive when others criticize them.
* reject compliments or praise.
* take things personally.
* have been victims of sexual or emotional abuse.
* feel like victims.
* get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others.
* wish other people would like and love them

Repression

* become afraid to let themselves be who they are.
* appear rigid and controlled.

Obsession

* feel terribly anxious about problems and people.
* lose sleep over problems or other people's behavior.
* feel unable to quit thinking and worrying about other people or problems

Controling

* become afraid to allow events to happen naturally.
* think they know best how things should turn out.
* try to control events and people through coercion and advice-giving.

Denial

* pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are.
* go to doctors and get tranquilizers.
* become workaholics.

Dependency

* don't feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.
* feel terribly threatened by the loss of any person they think provides their happiness.
* don't love themselves.
* often seek love from people incapable of loving.
* don't take time to see if other people are good for them.
* look to relationships to provide all their good feelings.
* stay in relationships that don't work.
* tolerate abuse to keep people loving them.

Poor Communication

* don't say what they mean.
* take themselves too seriously.
* gauge their words carefully to achieve a desired effect.
* try to say what they think will please people.
* avoid talking about themselves.

Weak Boundaries

* gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they never would.
* let others hurt them.

Lack of Trust

* try to trust untrustworthy people.

Anger

* are afraid of their own anger.
* are afraid to make other people feel anger.
* repress their angry feelings.
* do mean and nasty things to get even.
* feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment, and bitterness.

Sex Problems

* are caretakers in the bedroom.
* withdraw emotionally from their partner.
* reduce sex to a technical act.
* have strong sexual fantasies about other people.
* consider or have an extramarital affair.

Miscellaneous

* being extremely responsible.
* become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness.
* find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.
* stay loyal to people even when it hurts.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children