Don't Trust. Don't Talk. Don't Feel.
I have repeatedly read that this is a common dogma in dysfunctional families. I have only recently come to realize how this directly affected me in my own upbringing. Sometimes these three sentences are presented in a different order. For me It starts with trust.
Don't Trust.
Children by nature tend to naturally trust those around them. Not trusting is a behavior learned from the repeated experience of having that trust violated.
I learned through numerous demonstrations that my parents were emotionally untrustworthy. Their reactions were often belittling, critical, judgmental and shaming. Thinking that you are not good enough is a huge emotional burden for any child to carry.
Since emotional support was inconsistent, I learned not to depend on it being there. I stopped trusting it and this lack of trust lead me to stop sharing emotionally. Sharing feelings in my family was not always safe. I felt it better to never share than to continue taking risks that could yield painful results.
Don't Talk.
Keeping my feelings to myself was the only option. As a vulnerable child, I had no one safe to share them with. This ostracized me and made me very lonely but my survival depended on it. My parents probably had no clue how disconnected I was. They were too wrapped up in their own dysfunction to notice.
The pent up resentment this created in me only became apparent to them much later when it materialized as bad behavior and especially, teenage rebellion. They had no idea where it came from and chalked my acting out up to adolescent angst.
Don't Feel.
This is a Catch 22 situation. The pain of not being able to trust or share openly those closest to me caused me to shut down emotionally. This was my only protection. Shutting out the pain also means closing down to other emotions as well.
Learning to shut down early and often has lead to dire consequences later in my life; Difficulty connecting with others, social anxiety, lack of communication or a sudden inability to articulate feelings, not being able to trust, being suspicious of other's motives, self imposed isolation.
The catch is, because I shut out my own feelings and everything associated with the problems that precluded it, I became unaware that I had done it. This makes realizing there is even a problem difficult and tracing back the cause a challenge. If feelings don't exist, as I had convinced myself for so many years, how can there be a problem?
I am grateful to be able to see this as clearly as I do now. Just getting to this point has taken a bit of work. I am no longer just wallowing but have defined this problem and identified the cause. That has given me some serenity.
Thanks for listening.
C
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Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
