Welcome fellow Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. Please feel free to post your comments. ACA is an umbrella term covering ALL who have suffered from childhood neglect, trauma and abuse.
Lisa Romano bravely documents her own experience as an Adult Child Of Alcoholics in her book, "The Road Back To Me". Romano exposes her lonely childhood, feelings of abandonment, and her painful memories
of being bullied. Obsession, compulsion, relationship addiction, food
addiction, anxiety, constant fear and a crippling sense of low self-esteem eventually leads her to contemplated suicide. Her
turning point arrives many years later, as she learns to heal the faulty programming of
childhood.
Codependency and Adult Children Of Alcoholics go hand in hand. Being Codependent is not "bad". It could even be seen as a valuable coping mechanism that helps those growing up in dysfunctional families survive. This reaction may now work against us and keep us locked in unhealthy behaviors.
Codependent behavior may have been such an intrinsic part
of our lives for so long that it may be hard to consciously realize now
when we are doing it. The following list can be used as a reminder of what defines it and a yardstick to measure how far we have come:
1. External focus, never looking inside- always focused on other person or people.
2. Tries to control behavior of others through approval-seeking and people-pleasing behavior.
3. Experiences intimacy by discounting own feelings, and empathizing with feelings of others.
4. Loss of healthy boundaries, generally resulting from doing things for others that violate one’s values, and from accepting unacceptable behavior from others.
5. Frozen feelings, numbness with regard to one’s own feelings. Depression may also result from repressed anger.
6. Low self-esteem. Self is valued according to others’ opinions. Uses martyr, victim, and messiah role to bolster self-esteem.
7. Generalized anxiety, related to lack of control of one’s life.
8. Mental preoccupation. Racing thoughts. Inability to enjoy mental silence and serenity. Inability to relax and stay in the moment.
9. Lack of assertiveness: inability to ask directly for one’s true needs. Inability to confront unhealthy behavior in others.
10. Narcissism. In the absence of healthy, legitimate boundaries, others are seen as for or against self.
"I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember, everything"- Trent Reznor
Artcle adapted from: http://www.articlesbase.com/addictions-articles/beyond-sobriety-3416049.html by D. Lynn Blanchard
A person who has a drug, alcohol, food addiction, anger addiction or codependency has simply not learned to be in relationship with themselves or others in a consistently compassionate and authentic way.
To be authentic with yourself and others means taking responsibility for yourself, owning your emotional set point, and having spiritual, emotional, mental and physical boundaries to maintain your well being.
If adults around you were preoccupied with their own difficulties, abandonment issues are a consequence. When a parent is not present physically and emotionally for reasons such as narcissism, addiction, addiction to anger, codependency, workaholism, illness or death, the child interprets that as something being wrong with him or her.
The “hole in the soul” created by childhood trauma results in feeling defective, feeling bad about yourself. Since there is “nobody home”, your self-worth is defined by others, and by your actions. (Damaged parents cannot validate the uniqueness and special qualities of their children, since they didn’t have that done for them, and haven’t done the work to re-parent themselves in a compassionate way).
Children model self-care (or lack thereof) from their primary caregivers. They learn to judge themselves as worthy or unworthy, depending on how they are treated by parenting figures. Children of narcissistic parents who fail to trace the source of their feeling invisible to the parents’ self-involvement will inevitably develop extreme behaviors or codependent enmeshment in a vain attempt to be seen.
It is not uncommon for alcoholics, rage-aholics and addicts of all types to deny and minimize the effect of their behavior on others. This is a direct result of denial of the violence that occurred in childhood. Even with years of sobriety and working the 12Steps there is often a lack of awareness of the effects of abuse and it continues to feed multigenerational addiction and codependency.
The resentment and anger, which underlies non-nurturing behavior, generates toxic fall-out. Parents who have not had their own physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs met, and have not learned appropriate self-care in adulthood, become resentful of the needs of their children and partners, especially when they are under stress.
When you feel as if you’re drowning (which is how a “hole-in-the-soul person feels when confronted by daily stress) you don’t want someone crawling on your back asking you to save them. Instead of having healthy boundaries where you would say “I don’t have the energy to meet your needs right now”, you either deny the need, “You don’t need that” , or fix feelings “You shouldn’t feel that way…..” or shame the needy one…..”Shape up…….”.
Children involved are thus diminished, and damaged. They inevitably feel their parents’ anger or distance as their fault. They feel inadequate at a deep level. Children raised in this dysfunctional environment become hyper vigilant and develop survival strategies of manipulation and denial in order to feel in control in the presence of uncontrollable emotions and emotional abuse.
They absorb the negative energy into their bodies and subconscious mind. They watch uncomfortable emotions being stuffed or drugged, or blamed on someone else, rather than learning self-responsibility and emotional agility. Emotional agility refers to the ability to recognize and deal with negative emotions without shame, blame or guilt i.e. “I feel sad, hurt….” etc. rather than, “He made me……” “You never……..”
If you didn’t have that experience in childhood, you can get help to reparent yourself with healthy mothering and fathering relationships in adulthood. This means having older mentors, counsellors and friends who give positive feedback, nonjudgmental support and are actively committed to your well being.
Family of Origin Work involves becoming aware of how you were parented. This is not done from a perspective of blaming. It is a process of seeing and accepting yourself and your parents as fallible humans. It requires self-honesty and compassion as you identify your strengths and your less-than-wonderful traits and behaviors.
The intention is to look for the positive gifts from your parents, as well as to not minimize the areas of abuse and neglect. You will do that as well when looking at your own behavior towards others through the years.
You’ve probably said “I’ll never be like that” referring to a parental model. The reality is that unless you recognize how you are “like that”, and have a process for daily working through your emotional triggers, you will continue the cycle of abuse.
When children live in a home where there is violent silence (stuffed emotions/anger/bottled rage), displacement (kick the dog or horse), resentment and blaming modeled, they absorb and internalize the energy.
This results in eating disorders, addiction, depression, asthma, allergies, and/or externalizing their pain with rage, addiction, and displaced anger onto pets and other children. Adults often deny or displace anger with socially acceptable addictions such as smoking, busy-ness, (feelings can’t hit a moving target), chronic dieting, and other compulsive behaviors.
The danger of stockpiling resentments, from when you get whacked by life means you need to have a regular practice of writing and having a safe (non-family) person to talk with. When you’ve felt like a victim or have been unable to let go of hurt feelings, make a phone call and work through the reasons for your reaction with a member of your support system.
Daily clearing of the buildup of toxic emotions such as anger, resentment, fear and shame interrupts the pattern which causes you to want to explode at someone, turn the anger on yourself, or distract yourself with compulsive behaviors.
Addictive behaviors are a substitute for emotional maturity.
Shaming, blaming and focus on perceived shortcomings of others are used to deflect attention from your own character flaws. Morbid self-flagellation is also used to avoid self-responsibility. Addictive personalities feel inadequate and this must be dealt with continually, to avoid passing it on. The use of criticizing and putting others down, as a way of making yourself feel bigger needs to stop.
To Free yourself of Resentment, Anger and Fear:
Realize that blocked energy/resistance radiates out from a central issue, usually an underlying fear which covers up some old hurt and sadness. Since hurt and sadness makes you feel vulnerable, you cover that up with anger. Revisiting the issue, talking about it and re-feeling it (resentment) every time you talk about it, builds up more blocked negative energy.
When you can look beneath their behavior that hurt you, and you can see the frightened child-it becomes nearly impossible to be angry and carry a grudge.
A codependent person usually has a very difficult time embracing their true identity. Normally, a role was emphasized in the family of origin that left them believing what they did was more important then who they are. When behaviors are emphasized more then core identity and worth, with a lack of emphasizing the preciousness of a child, a child will learn to outwardly perform, while inwardly feeling lost and empty. This will last and develop through adulthood.
This same person will enter into relationships in order to allow his or her identity to become enmeshed in another person. This entanglement will be so extreme in some cases that he or she will be unable to think or feel outside of that other person. He or she will also feel responsible for that person and become obsessed with helping that individual and meeting his or her needs. In doing so, he or she will indirectly attempt to have their personal needs met.
Lack of Boundaries
In defining codependent behavior, a lack of boundaries is usually one of the main ingredients. A lack of boundaries is similar to a lack of identity. It can’t recognize the concept that “I belong to me” and “you belong to you” . Lack of boundaries produces disrespect in relationships and the willingness to allow other people into areas they should not be. It also causes a person to compromise core beliefs and morals, and does not know how to say “no”.
Learning boundaries takes time and work. First, a codependent person must understand who he or she is and what he or she stands for. Then, that person must learn to make a stand for those things her or she represents. We must choose wisely those people in our life. When dealing with unhealthy family members, we can learn to establish healthy and safe boundaries, while still displaying genuine love.
Attachment/Detachment Disorder
Often, a codependent person suffers from Attachment Disorder. This mostly involves an inability to bond and “let go” (attach and detach) in a healthy way. The root of this behavior is normally formed from 0-3 years if a child did not properly bond with a parent or caregiver. It also could be caused by a parent who overly bonded and did not know how and when to let go.
A person with attachment disorder develops into an overly needy person in relationships, or an extremely avoidant person that doesn’t know how to “connect” at any level. By learning the family of origin and the beliefs that were formed, a person can go back to the point where needs were not properly met and/or neglect and abuse occurred. The purpose is to properly address those issues, not to blame. Ultimately, healing will come through forgiveness. Remember, forgiveness and acceptance of behaviors are two entirely different things. We forgive people, not behaviors.
Need to Control
A codependent person was normally programmed in an environment that was out of control Because of this, he or she developed survival skills in order to maintain a sense of control. As a result, a codependent will often manipulate people and circumstances to get a desired result, often in a subtle and indirect way. Many times, without realizing it he or she is trying to “play God” and manage other people’s life to make things “right”.
The only cure for such behaviors is learning to trust that God is in control and has complete sovereignty over everything and everyone. Sometimes, a person needs to learn the belief systems that interferes with the ability to trust God (and people). We must learn to “let go and let God.”
Being Overly Responsible
Often, the insanity of a codependent person’s life is that the people in his or her life have a serious problem, such as a drug or alcohol addiction. While being attracted to this type of “broken person” initially, their sickness of addiction causes a wide range of problems. One of these is that chemically addictive people are often irresponsible. A codependent person learns to adapt to such irresponsible behaviors and compensate for that person’s missing gaps.
Often in doing this, the codependent person is neglecting his or her own responsibilities. This is a root reason that a codependent person becomes an “Enabler”. By not allowing a person to suffer the consequences of their irresponsible behavior, the cycle of an addiction will oftentimes not end. A person living with an addict must learn not to accept negative behavior, or encourage it through “helping out” in the bad choices that addict makes.
Setting boundaries against this behavior is essential. A codependent person must also learn that each individual is alone responsible for his behavior. Understanding God’s expectation in your position in any relationship is essential. While we respect and submit to each other, we should not tolerate and encourage wrongful behaviors.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is the inability to see anything except in extremes. In the eyes of a perfectionist, everything is either “right” or “wrong” with no in between grey area. It is important to understand that meeting a standard of perfection in the things we do is often impossible. Simply put, we are imperfect people.
Trying to adhere to rigid rules perfectly and holding other people to high standards is devastating on relationships. The reason a person is a perfectionist is often rooted in a family where much criticism took place. Perhaps performance was emphasized more then anything else, with little or no affirmation for the attempts to do anything right. Perfectionism breeds self-righteousness and pride, very difficult behaviors to overcome as they blind the ability for person to see himself or herself clearly. Perfectionism also drives further compulsive addictive behaviors, and causes a person to get discouraged and easily quit if not able to perform “perfectly.”
By understanding that we will never be perfect, but our perfection, acceptance, value, worth and love is found in our relationship with our Higher Power, we can be set free. When we feel accepted as we are, we will accept others for who they are. God doesn’t expect us to be perfect, but He does ask that we give our best, and leave the results to Him!
Overly Giving
A codependent person often finds he or she is always in the position of giving rather then receiving. Usually, this is formed out of a shame-based identity that feels unworthy of receiving from other people, even though he or she exhausts efforts to please people. Sometimes, giving is a means of manipulation. It can often come attached with the desire to get approval and acceptance from a person. “Giving to give” is very different than “giving to get.”
At the same time, being surrounded with emotionally unavailable people who are unable to give has devastating consequences. Becoming healthy in order to have mutually healthy, giving relationships is key. Furthermore, by embracing the concept of grace and God’s free gift of salvation, we can begin to apply that to relationships around us. No one should need to earn love. If you need to, then you are not in a healthy relationship.
Self Righteous and Judgmental
While it certainly isn’t a pleasant thing to admit to, self-righteous behavior is often at the root of codependency. A codependent person has learned that “doing good” brings a sense of validation. He or she has learned to believe that enough good behavior can perhaps undo the “badness” around them. By being the person on the “good side” of things, a codependent feeds his or her low self-esteem issue. In extreme cases, a codependent person will need to find unhealthy people to migrate towards in order to feel superior. Attached with that behavior is typically a strong propensity to judge and scrutinize people to size up how they measure up to his or her own standard. A forgiven person is a forgiving person, and will not hold people up to such high standards.
Living this way was normally developed in the family of origin, so it’s easy then to understand why that same behavior would continue in relationships in adulthood. Self righteousness leads to the inability to see one’s own problems and defects of character. By believing he or she is the “good one”, he or she can avoid any sense of being a part of the problem. Unfortunately, self righteousness holds a person in bondage to self – there is no ability to change unless we can identity a problem exists.
Codependency is when a person has a strong desire to control people around them, including their spouse, children or co-workers. Codependents believe they are somehow more capable than others, who need their direction or suggestions to fulfill tasks they are responsible to complete. They feel compassion for people who may be hurting and feel they should be the one to help them. Codependent people give of their time, emotions, finances, and other resources. They have a very difficult time saying "no" to any requests made of them.
Codependency - A Matter of Control
Codependency, for others, doesn't express itself in a desire to control, but instead, in the need to be controlled by others. Because it is nearly impossible for Codependents to say "no" to people, they may find themselves the victims in physically and emotionally abusive relationships. They believe that if they can be good enough, or loving enough, they can change the other person's behavior. They sometimes blame themselves for the abusive behavior: "If only I had not forgotten to do the dishes, he would not have had to hit me."
Codependency causes internal struggles with the opinions of others. Codependents may make decisions based on what they think other people want them to do. While they may believe that their motive for helping people is compassion, in reality they are doing it because they want love or approval. They may come to recognize the underlying nature of their behavior when they become hurt or angry at people they have helped who didn't return the same amount of help, love, or appreciation when they themselves were in need. They have difficulty understanding that instead of helping others by providing things they need, they may actually be hurting them by creating a dependent relationship.
Codependency can also cause struggles in the area of time management. Codependents may feel they never have enough time to fulfill all of their commitments because they have made too many. The most important commitments and relationships are often neglected because they are too busy helping other people, participating in multiple activities, and running from one event to another throughout the week. This also relates to their inability to say "no" when asked to volunteer, attend a function, or help a friend. The idea of not volunteering, not helping or not attending is unthinkable. They may believe they are not being responsible, not being a good friend, or not being a good person if they refuse any requests. However, many of those situations and relationships leave them feeling hurt, angry, or resentful.
Codependency - The Questions
Do you find yourself making decisions based on other people's opinions? Is it important to you that people like you and want to be your friend? Do you have a strong desire to help others, but deep down you know you do it so that they will like or love you? Do you seem to notice everyone else's problems and have a need to tell them what you think they should do to solve them? Do you feel anxious, angry or upset when people don't do things you want them to do, or do things the way you want them to do them? Do you find yourself in relationships where you do all the giving and the other person does all the taking? Are you involved in activities that demand all of your time and energy and you are neglecting your family or yourself?
Codependents must understand God's love of them first. They must realize that they serve an audience of ONE. They must curb their desire to "rescue" people out of their own (deceived) need to be loved or needed. They must learn how to refuse to take responsibility for situations that other people are responsible for, and learn to seek and rely on God to grow these others through their trials. Codependents can learn to help people from servant-heartedness, with no desire for anything in return. When they learn to accept other people's faults, failures and inadequacies, they can refrain from giving advice or trying to fix others unless they are asked for help.
Only in recent years has codependency been recognized as the debilitating sickness it can be. At first, it was identified as a problem in alcoholic families. For example, even after alcoholic husbands dried out, twelve months later, many of their families fell apart. When the caretaking wife no longer had a needy spouse, she felt she wasn't loved anymore because she wasn't needed. What she failed to see was that she had been dependent on his dependency. Her need to be needed was enabling her husband to stay sick. In other words, she was codependent.
Codependency, it is now seen, goes far beyond taking care of an alcoholic. It applies to the caretakers of any over-dependent person–such as drug addicts, work addicts, food addicts, spend addicts, TV addicts, sex addicts, religion addicts, sports addicts, money-making addicts, and to anyone addicted to any kind of compulsive behavior. In fact, latest estimates say that up to ninety-eight percent of us are either over-dependent or codependent to one degree or another.
Second, to resolve their problems, codependents need to admit their sickness and stop blaming others for their unhappiness or the difficulties they have.
Blaming others for their problems is denying their own problem, which is at the heart of most unhappiness. Only as we face the truth, as Jesus put it, will we ever find freedom and happiness.
Third, codependents need to stop trying to change others. They have a compulsion to fix anybody but themselves. Trying to change or fix others only leads to frustration and anger for both parties. The only person we can ever fix or change is our self, and as we change, others around us are forced to change—one way or the other.
Fourth, the codependent needs to come to terms with his or her own problem. While an overdependent person is often addicted to some form of compulsive behavior, the codependent is addicted to the addict. In reality, both are overdependent on each other.
Because codependents need to feel needed in order to feel loved, they suffer from love deprivation, usually from childhood, and have confused feeling needed for feeling loved. This is why many codependents have gone into the helping professions.
In order to feel needed, some codependents will go to any length to keep a needy person dependent on them. They can be loyal to the point of being destructive both to themselves and others.
On the surface, codependency can appear to be very loving, kind and Christian. However, at its core it is a confusion of responsibility. The codependent is so busy taking too much responsibility meeting the needs of others, he neglects taking responsibility for meeting his own needs and facing his own problems.
In so doing, he short-circuits the natural consequences of his loved one's destructive behavior.
Codependents need to allow irresponsible people to face the consequences of their actions, and, if necessary, let them hit bottom. Codependents also need to accept responsibility for themselves and work on their own growth and recovery. One effective ways to do this is to join a twelve-step support or similar group. Here, you can learn to feel loved for whom your are and not for what you do for others.
Most of all, codependents need to trust their life to God—a power greater than their own—and daily ask him to face them with the reality of their problem, help them to see the root cause of it, and lead them to the help they need plus the courage to overcome.
God can make a much better job of our life than we can. Why not trust your life to him today?
Step 1- "We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable."
Letting Go
How nice it is to not worry about things that are not my problem. I do still have the tendency to get overly concerned with things that are not my responsibility. But I am getting better at realizing when my codependency kicks in and NOT acting on those feelings. And then feeling good about my ability to not to act out of some misguided sense of duty.
Hard as I try, I can't control everything. At times, I can control almost nothing. And being OK with that is the most liberating feeling!
Like it says in "The Problem"; "We had come to feel isolated, uneasy with other people, and especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process."
To me, this is the root of my urge to overcommit my time, energy and effort to a given person or project. It used to be an automatic, fear based reaction for me. The thinking goes something like...If I offer something of value to you and make you dependent on me, you can't hate me.
Now I stop and think about it... What's best for me? Is that something I really want to do? Do I really have the time needed or will I be sacrificing completing some other important matter? How much will I resent putting my own needs on the back burner for this?
Or when I really get stressed I ask myself, "Is the earth going to stop spinning if I don't jump in here?"
These questions bring me clarity and I can then make a decision with confidence and no regrets. And sometimes, because I'm focusing on taking care of ME, the answer has to be "no". Reasonable people usually understand. My great fear of being castigated by someone because of my decision never materializes. And I know that if someone tries to use guilt or pressure me unduly, THEY are being dysfunctional. And that's never a good enough reason for me to do anything.
It sure feels good when I treat myself this way. I then have more of "me" to give and share with others.
