Are You in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

According to a recent article published on wellness.com by Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT, "There's often a pervasive sense of being off balance for the person being emotionally abused. They start to question their own thinking and eventually believe that they must have it wrong and in fact, they're the bad ones for daring to believe such a thing about the abuser!"

People who are emotionally abused often don't even realize it. The cycle of abuse starts with Tension Building, escalates to a verbal or emotional abusive Incident, Reconciliation often with an apology, then a short lived Calm or "Honeymoon Phase".

According to the article, asking yourself the following 5 questions is key to evaluating your situation;

1) Does your partner frequently criticize or humiliate you?

2) Does your partner isolate you from your family and friends?

3) Has your partner ever limited or controlled your access to money?

4) Do you feel trapped in your relationship?

5) Are you afraid of your partner?

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"Abusers often had chaotic childhoods with a perception of little control - and deep down they fear abandonment."

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"Learned helplessness" or victimization experienced in family of origin, usually plays a role. A safety plan and good support network are critical to overcoming abusive relationships.

Read the article here: http://www.wellness.com/blog/20386/are-you-in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/lisa-brookes-kift-mft

Los Angeles DJ
Orange County DJ Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

How To Forgive

When it comes to forgiving, Dr. Wendy Walsh calls it, “One of the hardest things to do.” But as long as you continue to carry the pain of feeling hurt, then you STAY in a relationship with the person that wronged you.

“Forgiveness is a gift to yourself, NOT the person who wronged you.” -Dr. Walsh

Finding EMPATHY for the other person, as hard as it is, releases the anger, pain and fear you carry inside. Walsh admits, “I didn’t say this was easy… but it’s the BEST gift you can give to yourself.”

In the video she discusses some simple techniques to help get past resentment, move on and find peace.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

The Invisible Children

It's COA Awareness week!

On her latest article published on Huffington Post, Clinical Psychologist Dr. Tian Dayton examines the plight of children of dysfunctional parents as they grow to adulthood. Often their past trauma remains hidden until well after they mature and because it is buried, continues to negatively affect their relationships and how they feel about themselves.

"COAs grow up to be adult children of alcoholics ACoAs. And they carry these unresolved emotional burdens with them into their adult lives and relationships. Their disowned pain emerges, months, years or most commonly decades later in a post traumatic stress reaction as the COA, now the ACoA stands stupefied in front of an inner world that feels confusing and unknowable. It’s scary to look inside when what's inside has been so long in the making.

The addictions field should be giving very special attention to this hidden population if for no other reason, because they are statistically more likely to become addicts themselves (Cutter 1987). ACoAs also evidence higher levels of specific and generalized anxiety and lower levels of differentiation of self than their counterparts who grow up without parental alcoholism. (Maynard 1999) Scratch the paint off an addict and you will more often then not find a COA who is self medicating their unresolved, childhood pain with alcohol, drugs, food, sex, work or a combination of a couple of these.”

Read the article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-tian-dayton/the-invisible-children-it_b_8970102.html

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

PTSD, Trauma And Adult Children Becoming Parents

Dr. Tian Dayton is a pioneer in ACOA healing. Her recently published article in the Huffington Post is titled, "When Adult Children of Alcoholics Become Moms“. Although targeted to mothers, this insightful writing applies to all ACOAs and dysfunctional family members.

Highlights:

Kids whose fight or flight response is activated over and over again by the confusing and disturbing dynamics that surround addiction may become traumatized by that experience. That trauma can surface years or even decades later in a post traumatic stress reaction. Adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs) can experience a form of PTSD from growing up with addiction.

ACoA moms can be big worriers. They pass along a certain anxiety and they often have a hard time with boundaries. In addition, there is this loss of self- regulation that is part of the trauma response, so ACoAs may alternate between emotional and behavioral extremes.

As kids we rewrite, repress, "forget" or dissociate from the pain that we can do nothing about. It's the nature of trauma. Kids who are feeling overwhelmed by the chaos around them "check out"--they dissociate and they freeze their feelings because it's the only way they can get any sense of personal control. After all, they are small and dependent on their parents; they are trapped by the vulnerability of their age and size. Besides this, they make sense of their parent's erratic behavior with the developmental equipment they have at that time, and that sense can be very young and magical.

When they grow up and become adults, they just don't have a mature sense of what happened and how it affected them. They are mature and functioning adults with wounded little kids hunched down in silence deep inside of them.

Why don't ACoAs recognize this and try to get help?

Because the pain is unconscious and surfaces unconsciously through triggers and memory primers. The trap is that because ACoAs often have the capacity to understand what happened to them, they mistake understanding for emotional processing; their pain remains untouched and unprocessed. They can refer to it, but not feel it, process it, and let it go or at least transform into another stage. They block it in a thousand clever ways.

Read the entire post here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-tian-dayton/when-adult-children-of-al_b_8061092.html

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

You May Be An Unknowing Target: Narcissist Bait

One of the tenets of being an Adult Child Of Alcoholics is having a difficult time taking compliments. Typically the reaction ranges from ignoring the compliment to minimizing it or to deflect on how great the other person is. My theory is that ACAs are fearful of accepting the affection we so desperately crave because it can become a powerful emotional hook and we are afraid of becoming dependent on them. Those with low self esteem are especially vulnerable.

This is exactly what narcissists depend on as one of their tactics to ensnare someone into a relationship. A narcissist will initially idealize their object of affection in order to convince them that they truly love them.

According to Shahida Arabi’s article on “5 Sneaky Things Narcissists Do To Take Advantage Of You",

“Be wary of: constant texting, shallow flattery and wanting to be around you at all times. This is a technique known as “love-bombing” and it is how most victims get sucked in: they are flattered by the constant attention they get from the narcissist. You may be fooled into thinking that this means a narcissist is truly interested in you, when in fact, he or she is interested in making you dependent on their constant praise and attention.”

IDEALIZATION is usually the first phase of the relationship with a narcissistic person, the next two being DEVALUATION and DISCARD. Eventually, the self centered flatterer will change to criticism and withdrawal with just enough spurts of positivity to keep you hooked. Finally, you will be discarded, typically in a cruel manner.

"During the DISCARD phase, the narcissist abandons his or her victim in the most horrific, demeaning way possible to convince the victim that he or she is worthless. This could range from: leaving the victim for another lover, humiliating the victim in public, blatantly ignoring the partner for a long period of time, being physically aggressive and a whole range of other demeaning behaviors to communicate to the victim that he or she is no longer important… During the discard phase, the narcissist reveals the true self and you get a glimpse of the abuser that was lurking within all along. You bear witness to his or her cold, callous indifference as you are discarded. This is as close you will ever get to seeing the narcissist’s true self.” -Shahida Arabi

Narcissists are not inherently evil although it may seem that way. They are victims of trauma/ abuse and are acting out their dysfunction. This doesn’t mean one should overly empathize with them. The best way to handle a narcissistic person is to have little to NO CONTACT with them whatsoever. At least until you are strong enough to deal with their insidious tactics. Otherwise the temptation for them to suck you back in and for you to succumb to it may be too great.

Have you been or are you currently involved with a narcissist?

Read the full article here: http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2014/08/5-sneaky-things-narcissists-do-to-take-advantage-of-you/

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Dr. Drew On Trauma And Emotional Disregulation

http://www.kabc.com/common/page.php?pt=Dr.+Drew+Midday+Live+-+03%2F03%2F15+-+12PM&id=40341&is_corp=0



You may be familiar with Dr. Drew Pinsky’s work as an addiction specialist on the show Celebrity Rehab, his own TV talk show and now as a radio host on KABC 790 AM. Dr. Drew’s radio show is available as a free podcast. On March 3, he had a few interesting things to say about trauma, dysfunction, emotional disturbance and addiction. Check out the podcast at about 2:45 after the beginning.

Drew says, “Finally people are starting to make the connection between adverse health affects and (childhood) trauma… the consequence of that trauma is emotional “disregulation"… if you’ve been traumatized it shatters the brains ability to regulate… it creates a child who is unwilling to trust another person and unwilling to be vulnerable and re-enter that frame where they can build an emotional landscape that could lead to flexible emotional regulation.

Instead, they reach for alternatives- sex, drugs, cigarettes, high calorie/ processed food… this is more than emotional eating. This is eating in an attempt to fill a void/ regulate painful emotions and un-regulatible feelings. Pain, somatic dissociation, poor self care.”

He says that when children are traumatized it affects their brain physically. “It actually has a measurable effect on their memory- their hippocampus is structurally different.” They have a higher probability of difficulty in school, ADHD, problems functioning academically, drug and alcohol use, behavioral problems. “When you can’t regulate you’re more likely to drink and not do so good in school.”

Dr. Drew says people engage in dysfunctional behavior such as substance abuse because they are so unregulated. Whatever the particular psychological disturbance, ultimately the causational link is trauma. Drew says his patients had twofold problems- addictions AND underlying trauma. Pain, PTSD mental and emotional pain, feelings of emptiness, propensity to reenact their trauma- it ALL stems from emotional disregulation. Attempts to solve that include self medicating with substances and or coping behaviors.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Claudia Black Launches Center for Young Adults in Recovery

“Our mission at the Claudia Black Young Adult Center is to help young adults and their families forge recovery paths, so they can heal, blossom, and thrive."- Dr. Claudia Black

The center focuses on a nurturing community, family systems, proven testing and assessments, life skills, experiential therapies, and 12-step work. Trauma comes in many forms, including but not limited to bullying, sexual assault, abandonment and many have faced absent, controlling, or addicted parents.

The Claudia Black Young Adult Center utilizes an array of experiential healing modalities – along with other therapies - including neurofeedback, mindfulness practices, equine-assisted psychotherapy, challenge courses, and trauma-informed psychodrama, along with EMDR and Somatic Experiencing.

Dr. Black’s work with children impacted by drug and alcohol addiction created the framework for the adult children of alcoholics’ movement. She has also authored over fifteen books, including Intimate Treason; It Will Never Happen To Me!; and Changing Course: Healing from Loss, Abandonment and Fear.

The Center, located in Arizona, is one of three treatment programs run by The Meadows. To learn more call (800) 244-4949 or visit http://www.themeadows.com

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

ACOA And ADHD

“Adult children of alcoholic parents have the highest rate of attention disorders among any clinical group.”- according to professor Steven L. Schandler, director of the Addiction Research and Cognitive Psychophysiology Laboratories at Chapman University.

In a recent Orange County Register article (Click here for full article), Schandler also claimed that when ACOAs with ADD consume alcohol, “their systems slow down to a 'normal' level, which enhances their ability to process information.” This self medication can be a risk factor in ACOAs becoming alcoholics themselves. Children of alcoholics are up to 14 times more likely to have substance abuse problems than children of nonalcoholics.

It has also been documented that People with ADHD have at least one defective gene that makes it difficult for neurons to respond to dopamine, a key neurotransmitter regulating attention and feelings of pleasure.

What do YOU think? Do you find yourself drinking alcohol or binging on sugar or junk food in order to “feel better” or think more clearly?

One coping skill that has proven to work is exercise. Working out changes your physiology and increases chemicals called endorphins that make you feel good naturally. Plus exercise can increase blood flow, self esteem and help ward off anxiety.

What's your favorite coping mechanism?

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Traumatic Memories

When writer Annette McGivney set out to do research on a murder for a new book, she developed nightmares, panic attacks and insomnia. Her diagnosis was delayed onset post-traumatic stress disorder. The cause was 30 years of repressed fear that she had successfully kept a secret — especially from herself — that as a little girl she feared her my raging father would kill her.

“Most adult children (of abuse) reach adulthood with their secrets intact,” writes Judith Hermann, M.D., in “Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence from Domestic Abuse and Political Terror.” But “as the survivor struggles with the tasks of adult life, the legacy of her childhood becomes increasingly burdensome. Eventually, often in the third or fourth decade of life, the defensive structure may begin to break down…”

Annette writes: PTSD is not a sickness. It is the mind and body’s normal reaction to what is perceived as life threatening circumstances. But for adults who have experienced chronic, prolonged trauma — usually on the battlefield or growing up in abusive homes — this fight, flight or freeze reaction becomes deeply imbedded in the central nervous system and can make the challenge of recovering from PTSD daunting, and for some, seemingly impossible.

For her, the answer was in tackling the trapped energy - “the poison that lies beneath the surface”. Under the guidance of a trained trauma therapist, Annette was able to re-experience those episodes when she was on the receiving end of her father’s rage. Eventually, through Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) and Somatic Experiencing (SE) techniques, “That kid in me became convinced she was finally safe and could start to let down her guard… Instead of re-experiencing what actually happened, I chose escape. I envisioned calmly walking out the back door of my childhood home and down my sunlit driveway into the woods where I loved to roam.”

After three and a half years of working on recovery every single day, Annette remains on a lifelong journey toward healing and has found peace in the present.

Annette McGivney is a writer and 18-year Flagstaff resident. She teaches journalism at Northern Arizona University and is the Southwest Editor for Backpacker magazine.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Control Freaks- 8 Signs To Watch For

CONTROL is usually a reaction to FEAR. Controlling, overbearing, "my way or the highway" behaviors are an attempt to calm the inner anxiety and panic that an overwhelming amount of sustained chaos created in a dysfunctional family or environment, usually experienced in the formative years. Adult Children Of Alcoholics may be prone to continuing controlling patterns into adulthood.

Control freaks rarely know that they are one. They believe that they are helping people with their "constructive criticism" or taking over a project because "no one else will do it right."

They don't see their controlling behaviors as symptoms of what's really going on--their own anxiety has run amuck.

Irrational thoughts abound in our high stress world: If I don't get this contract, I'll get fired. If I'm not home by 6:00, I'm a terrible parent. If I don't get that raise, I suck at my job. All of these thoughts might be true, but probably not.

Rather than tackle our own irrational thinking and massage it into more realistic thinking, we attempt to control the situation, usually by trying to control other people.

Want to know if you're a control freak? Here are eight signs for your self-diagnosing pleasure:

* You believe that if someone would change one or two things about themselves, you'd be happier. So you try to "help them" change this behavior by pointing it out, usually over and over.

* You micromanage others to make them fit your (often unrealistic) expectations. You don't believe in imperfection and you don't think anyone else should either.

* You judge others' behavior as right or wrong and passive-aggressively withhold attention until they fall in line with your expectations. Sitting in silent judgment is a master form of control.

* You offer "constructive criticism" as a veiled attempt to advance your own agenda.

* You change who you are or what you believe so that someone will accept you. Instead of just being yourself, you attempt to incept others by managing their impression of you.

* You present worst-case scenarios in an attempt to influence someone away from certain behaviors and toward others. This is also called fear mongering.

* You have a hard time with ambiguity and being OK with not knowing something.

* You intervene on behalf of people by trying to explain or dismiss their behaviors to others.

You believe that if you can change another person's undesirable behavior, then you will be happier or more fulfilled. You make someone else responsible for how you feel. The thing is, you are only responsible for you. The road to better relationships always starts with you. Rather than attempt to control everyone else, work on becoming a better version of yourself. Here are a few ideas:

* Be vulnerable with people.
* Never compromise your self-respect by altering your core beliefs.
* Be realistic about your expectations of others.
* Quit the passive-aggressive nonsense--be direct.
* Accept that a large portion of life is laced with unknowns.
* Embrace confrontation--it really is sometimes the only thing you can do.
* Take responsibility for your own happiness.

If you work on your own improvement instead of trying to control others, healthier relationships at work, as well as everywhere else, will then come to you as a result.

- Anonymous

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Healing Personal Developmental Trauma

Relational or developmental trauma can be unknowingly inflicted by parents who are not aware of the physical, mental, social, spiritual and emotional needs of their children. These parents are unable to respond to these needs properly because they did not get these needs met when THEY were children. These kinds traumas can go unnoticed as they are often subtle interactions between parent and child that don’t seem unusual. But inside for the child, not having these needs met becomes something bigger.



According to the Weinholds, when “developmental trauma” happens in the first 3 years of life it instills a fear based, survival mentality that supersedes “higher consciousness” capabilities. Being overwhelmed by one or more early “Adverse Childhood Experiences" (ACEs) makes it harder for trauma survivors like Adult Children Of Alcoholics to solve problems and live fulfilled lives.

Such early negative experiences helps to explain why some people may have little recollection of their own traumas, yet it plays out in their everyday lives and interactions with other people. The characteristics and behaviors that ACA’s often have is evidence of past trauma. Without a clear recollection of this past damage or an obvious signpost it becomes easy to minimize, if not completely ignore, the seriousness of their effects.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Counter Dependency And The Flight From Intimacy

Drs. Barry and Janae Weinhold have some revealing thoughts about early trauma and the dysfunction that continues long after.



"Counterdependency" is a set of adult behaviors that are caused by developmental trauma between the ages of 9 and 36 months. This trauma often involves emotional abuse such as shaming and physical abuse such as spanking. This abuse affects people’s ability to trust.

Counterdependency is often described as the flip side of co-dependency. Rather than clinging, people avoid relationships and flee from intimacy. People with counterdependency often pair up with partners who struggle with codependency issues.

Symptoms of Counterdependency

The most common symptom of counterdependency is the avoidance of intimacy in close relationships.

Here are some other common symptoms.

• Difficulty being close to others
• A strong need to be right – all the time
• Self-centered and egotistical
• Refuses to ask for help
• Expects perfection in self and others
• Seldom appears vulnerable or weak
• Has difficulty relaxing
• Addictions to “upper” activities such as work & exercise, and substances such as caffeine, speed, meth & coke

See more videos from The Weinholds here: Flight From Intimacy

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Tranquility Is Free

Dream Music: For Sleep & Relaxation (Exclusive Amazon Digital Sampler)

Put your mind at ease. Over 2 hours of chilled out music absolutely FREE!

Sample and download here: http://www.amazon.com/Dream-Music-Relaxation-Exclusive-Digital/dp/B00FAEPGA0/ref=pd_sim_dmusic_a_9

De-stress, Relax and chill with this free sampler from Amazon.com Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Is Childhood Trauma Affecting Your Life?

What happens when someone has psychological wounds that they don't realize or are in denial of? For one, they may live a less joyful, fulfilled life and struggle with emotions and relationships. Secondly, they pass their "wounds" down to the next generation. These inherited wounds are then often again passed down and so on.

According to Peter K. Gerlach, MSW, once GWCs (Grown Wounded Children) are aware of their traumas and wounds, they can reduce them and stop the cycle of propagating dysfunction. He estimates that 80 to 85% of families currently suffer from dysfunction as a result of having one or more addicted or dysfunctional parents.

Gerlach defines these wounds as "feeling shame and guilt, excessive fears, reality distortions, chronic trust problems, difficulty bonding, empathizing and loving." The characteristics manifest themselves as low self esteem, narcisism, anxiety, cynicism, sarcasm, black and white thinking, trust and intimacy issues. Other symptoms include controlling and manipulative behaviors, clinginess and experiencing sexual dysfunction.

Gerlach has created a non profit website (http://sfhelp.org/) and has posted several videos to help Adult Children Of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. The ultimate goal is to create a "high nurturance" family and live a life free of toxic wounds and the ignorance that keeps them from healing.


Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

How To Be Your Own Hero

Philip G. Zimbardo, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at Stanford University suggests that there are small steps which can bring out the "inner hero" in anyone. Zimbardo maintains that heroes are "sociocentric," noticing other people in need and offering help. Therefore, a potential hero does not necessarily need to save someone from danger, but can simply be observant and commit a small act of kindness, such as offering a compliment.

For Adult Children Of Alcoholics and those from dysfunctional homes, even a small act such as this can be difficult. Reaching out, giving compliments and expressing feelings (joyful or otherwise) is something many of us have been expressly "trained" not to do.

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ACA Promises: Our self-esteem will increase as we give ourselves approval on a daily basis.

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Here is where you get to take action against the old mindset that may still be enslaving you. Try this experiment that is simple but not necessarily easy: Give someone a compliment for no apparent reason. Even the thought of trying this may feel uncomfortable because you are breaking all the old rules (don't feel, don't talk, don't trust)! Perhaps the fear you feel here is in direct proportion to your need to do this.

The point of this exercise is to, in small way, do the EXACT opposite of the learned ACA  behavior that may still be hampering you in many areas of life. Over time, as you get used to expressing yourself this way, you will find it easier to compliment yourself and generate your own positive feelings and self love!

By "reparenting" yourself this way, even though it's not always easy, your inner child may start looking at you as his or her own courageous hero. Your inner blame mechanism will be short circuited and replaced with feelings of self worth and value. 

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Change Your Posture, Change Your Mind

  

It is often said that Adult Children Of Alcoholics "guess at what normal is". We may try to behave how we think we "should" in spite of past conditioning. Another way to say this is "fake it til you become it". Rather than just a shallow attempt to fit in, assuming the behavior and posture of a successful person actually helps to transition one into integrating and "owning" that very mindset.

Research shows that just by changing your body posture for for 2 minutes, you can profoundly change your hormones, brain chemistry and how others perceive and respond to you. Your physiology can actually change your brain!

In the Ted Talks video above, Social psychologist Amy Cuddy shows how “power posing” -- standing in a posture of confidence, even when we don’t feel confident -- can affect testosterone and cortisol levels in the brain, and might even have an impact on our chances for success.    

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Music For Healing And Mediation

The Mayo Clinic has listed both meditation and listening to music as Top Ten stress relievers. Here is over an hour and a half of FREE music to help you relax, focus and chill out courtesy of Amazon.com. Click on the three links below and download away!


Step 11- "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out"



Ashaneen- "Sea Waves, Vol. 2"
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00CUR1Z9G/ref=dm_dp_trk6?ie=UTF8&qid=1370361432&sr=1-48



The Best Healing Music for Relaxation, Meditation & Sleep with Nature Sounds (Ocean Waves Album Series Sampler)
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Relaxation-Meditation-Nature-Sampler/dp/B00CDX17L8/ref=sr_1_33?ie=UTF8&qid=1368629491&s=dmusic&sr=1-33


Sunrise Meditation (Music for Harmony)
http://www.amazon.com/Sunrise-Meditation-Music-for-Harmony/dp/B00CDX176I/ref=sr_1_26?ie=UTF8&qid=1368629491&s=dmusic&sr=1-26

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

How Judgement Keeps You From Healing

 John Bradshaw On Healing The Inner Child

Remember the story of Adam and Eve? Legend has it they they gained wisdom from eating forbidden fruit. But what I think they really got was the insidious and pervasive "disease" of judgement.

Once they learned judgement they could blame and in turn, feel blame and shame for being "wrong". They felt naked and exposed. Their self judgement made them feel like they were no longer "good enough". They wanted to hide and isolate.

This same phenomenon is what happens in ACA families. We learn to judge, diminish and reject ourselves and others. We receive judgement, often as modeled by our caretakers. And we judge ourselves for "causing" the problems in our families and not being good enough to make everything ok. It is the only way we feel some kind of control in our chaotic homes. We believe that if everything is our fault we then have the power to fix it.

We then grow up to propagate this behavior. Judging becomes second nature to the point where many people don't even realize the extent and frequency with which they do it. Reality TV for example, is full of people judging, feeling judged, conflict and argument. And not a lot of healthy interaction. Lots of people accept this as "normal" because they know no alternative. The Judgement that is supposed to make you feel righteous, safe and invulnerable only serves to separate and isolate. There is no winner here.


"A Child Has A Right To Unconditional Love."- John Bradshaw


Perhaps the biggest challenge to Adult Children Of Dysfunctional Families is learning to be free of judgement. This means "unlearning" that early training that was ingrained in us. Not an easy task but doable.

The difficult part is that the antidote for the disease of judgement is self acceptance, empathy and compassion. These are things many of us did NOT have lots of parental modeling on. Many people struggle to express self love and are even uncomfortable thinking about it. That is a clue that your Judgement Mechanism is still hard at work!

It starts with learning to love your inner child. This is what I believe "reparenting" is- NOT more judgement and beating ourselves up. That's what immature parents do. Self nurturing, as unnatural as it may feel at the beginning, is the way out of the judgement trap that keeps people stuck.

Your inner child is always with you. You can dialogue and express care with him or her anytime. Simply asking your child "How are you doing? Are you feeling ok?" is an easy way to show empathy. You may feel the little one inside perk up when you pay them attention.

Some people keep a picture of themselves as a child in a prominent place or in their wallets and look at it often. Some even speak to their picture and tell it how special they are. Sound silly? So what? Remember, your inner "Judger" will go to any lengths to keep you from healing. It will likely ridicule your initial attempts at self nurturing and tell you it's a stupid idea. And THAT is a key that you are on the right track!

When your "Judger" tells you to do something or feel a certain way, try doing the opposite as an experiment. You may be surprised to discover alternative choices you never realized. And you may experience a feeling of freedom that reminds you of how a beautiful child feels.

The road to recovery is a long one. You may not have overnight success and there may be setbacks along the way. But you can make a difference just by trying something new today.




Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Can Adult Children Of Alcoholics "Forget" About The Past?

Dr. Tian Dayton describes PTSD as a post traumatic stress reaction in which childhood pain is being lived out in adult relationships without our awareness.

When we experience trauma the prefrontal cortex (responsible for planning and rational thought) shuts down and the traumatic experienced does not get processed. It works the same way in Adult Children Of Alcoholics as in others, although ACOAs may experience more of these Adverse Childhood Experiences than others.

These traumatic memories later get triggered and re-experienced. Unresolved hurts are  "imported from the past and layered onto the present." For example, you may experience a conflict with someone and feel just like you did as a powerless child.

According to the ACA Solution, becoming your own loving parent is key to resolving things.

As ACA becomes a safe place for you, you will find the freedom to express all the hurts and fears you have kept inside and to free yourself from the shame and blame that are carryovers from the past. You will become an adult who is imprisoned no longer by childhood reactions. You will recover the child within you, learning to accept and love yourself.

This can be a challenge for ACAs as many did not have loving, empathetic parents to model and learn from. Becoming your own loving parent might require the help of a safe group, good therapist and/ or healthy, caring friends.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Connection And Vulnerability

Shame is one of the major blocks to having a deep connection to other people. Some people seem to have a sense of worthiness, love and belonging. For others it is a challenge. People that experience "connection" more often have the courage to be imperfect and the compassion to be kind and self accepting.

Do you have the courage to be imperfect? Can you let go of who you "should be" in order to be who you are? Can you embrace vulnerability?



Brene Brown has a Master's degree in Social Work. She has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. In the video, she discusses the struggle for vulnerability and connection.

Brown says, "You cannot selectively numb emotion." She believes when you numb pain, you also numb joy, gratitude and happiness.



Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children