That Was Easy!

Have you ever met a "Decider"? A Decider is a person that makes choices so quickly and effortlessly you wonder how they do it.

I had a friend, Brian, who would walk into a car dealership and commit to buying a new vehicle within minutes. To him, it was not a spur of the moment or impulsive thing. He simply had the ability to surmise his options and make the right choice for himself very quickly with serenity and calm conviction.

He lived his entire life that way, making both big and small decisions as if he was deciding what to have for lunch. Brian was always intelligent, thoughtful and had tons of common sense. He was a wonderful source of advice on practically any issue. I am still amazed by his "gift".

Conversely, one of the common themes of many ACAers is difficulty in making decisions. This makes a complicated task requiring consistent focus and multiple steps quite daunting. No wonder we "Have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end."

My friend Brian's behavior inspired me to make my own decision making more efficient. First, I had to examine the process I had been using to make decisions. I found that I have allowed fear and negative emotions to cloud my ability.

"Judge themselves without mercy."

I know in my own life it is the fear of making a mistake that paralyzes me and freezes my ability to act. If I can't be sure it is the perfect decision, I am often not willing to make it. Have I considered all the options and ramifications? What if I regret my choice?

In reality, the "perfect" choice rarely presents itself. And the obsession with being perfect and wanting desperately not to ruffle other's feathers often makes choosing a painstaking task. I know if I fall short I am subject to "Judging myself without mercy."

Sometimes to avoid taking the risk of making a choice- I procrastinate. I tell myself I'll decide later after I gather more info. Then I promptly forget about the issue until it is "crunch" time or until it is too late. While waiting for some divine signal to guide me, opportunities have passed and deadlines have expired. Often with accompanying penalties. Then I am worse off than if I had just made an arbitrary choice and gone with it.

I am now much more aware of this game I play. When I catch myself doing it, I try to "reparent myself with gentleness, humor, love and respect". I remind myself that there are no perfect decisions. I come to grips with the fact that sometimes NOT making a decision is the worst decision of all.

"Lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternate behaviors or possible consequences. "

I've heard it said that successful people make important decisions quickly and easily. When I first heard it, this axiom was a real challenge to my way of thinking- I have actually waxed and waned tediously over what kind of toothpaste to buy. But after a while it made more sense to me.

Once a decision is made, action is initiated and the task at hand is that much closer to being accomplished. And one's mind is then free to respond to what's happening in the here and now. Fearful procrastinating only enables avoiding living in the present. Sometimes making ANY decision is better than none. And I have the power to make decisions work for me.

My logic tells me that most decisions are not that critical and that I can create a positive outcome out of nearly any path I choose. When I catch myself agonizing over some small thing, I remind myself that, in reality, it hardly matters. The worst outcome could not possibly match the level of anxiety I am attaching to it. When I realize this, it frees me to actually have fun with decision making and take a risk. I know I can make the best out of it no matter what.

I give myself the freedom to be wrong, make mistakes and even learn from them. If I mess up, so what? I made that decision promptly with the information I had at the time. And saved myself the grief of prolonged struggling over it.

Staying in practice helps on bigger issues. If I need to, I do a "gut check". This usually involves being still, having silence and relaxation. By not letting fear overwhelm the part of me that already knows the answer, I free myself to make a fitting choice.

I may not surpass Brian's ability to instantly see things with crystal clarity but I have seen positive results after committing to improve my own decision making capacities.

Thanks for listening,

Craig


Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Can You Change Dysfunction?

Little Miss Sunshine

Excerpts from http://www.couns.uiuc.edu/brochures/dysfunct.htm

Resulting Problems

Abuse and neglect inhibit the development of children's trust in the world, in others, and in themselves. Later as adults, these people may find it difficult to trust the behaviors and words of others, their own judgements and actions, or their own senses of selfworth. Not surprisingly, they may experience problems in their academic work, their relationships, and in their very identities.

Making Changes

Sometimes we continue in our roles because we are waiting for our parents to give us "permission"; to change. But that permission can come only from you. Like most people, parents in dysfunctional families often feel threatened by changes in their children. As a result, they may thwart your efforts to change and insist that you "change back." That's why it's so important for you to trust your own perceptions and feelings. Change begins with you. Some specific things you can do include:

Identify painful or difficult experiences that happened during your childhood. Make a list of your behaviors, beliefs, etc. that you would like to change. Next to each item on the list, write down the behavior, belief, etc. that you would like to do/have instead. Pick one item on your list and begin practicing the alternate behavior or belief. Choose the easiest item first.
Once you are able to do the alternate behavior more often than the original, pick another item on the list and practice changing it, too. In addition to working on your own, you might find it helpful to work with a group of people with similar experiences and/or with a professional counselor.

Special Considerations

As you make changes, keep in mind the following:

Stop trying to be perfect. In addition, don't try to make your family perfect. Realize that you are not in control of other people's lives. You do not have the power to make others change. Don't try to win the old struggles - you can't win. Set clear limits - e.g., if you do not plan on visiting your parents for a holiday, say "no," not "be." Identify what you would like to have happen. Recognize that when you stop behaving the way you used to, even for a short time, there may be adverse reactions from your family or friends. Anticipate what the reactions will be (e.g., tears, yelling, other intimidating responses) and decide how you will respond.

Final Note

Don't become discouraged if you find yourself slipping back into old patterns of behavior. Changes may be slow and gradual; however, as you continue to practice new and healthier behaviors, they will begin to become part of your day to day living.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

H.A.L.T. In The Name Of Serenity!

H.A.L.T.

H.A.L.T. indicates that you need to stop and take care of yourself when you get Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Being too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, are conditions that leave us more vulnerable to the temptations that lead us away from our program of recovery. Part of recovery is learning to pay attention to these inner signals and practice appropriate ways to meet our needs and resolve issues in a manner that will enhance our serenity.

When HUNGRY, you not only need enough food, but the right kinds of foods. Although food comes immediately to mind, there are many other things for which we can “hunger.” We all need a sense of worth, connection to others and to something bigger than ourselves, appreciation, and many others. Miss out on some of these basic emotional needs for very long and we can end up sad or depressed.

When ANGRY, stop and deal with it using your recovery tools. Pray. Get some exercise and fresh air. Talk to a sponsor, counselor or trusted recovery friend. Remember that your serenity, not your ego, is the important thing. I get angry, you get angry, we all get angry. No problem there. The problem comes when anger is our most common emotion and our first response to most situations. Recent research has demonstrated that constant anger is not only not good for you, it can kill you. Pay attention to and deal with the emotions that anger typically grows out of: fear, frustration, hurt.

LONELY - In spite of all the modern ways we have to communicate with each other, we still live in a culture where it is incredibly easy to become isolated. Most people don’t know the names of their neighbors on either side or across the street. I know of people who are “just too busy” to spend the time to connect with other people. These folks are way too busy for their own good. Take the time to connect and stay connected to others. Walk next door and introduce yourself. Call an old friend you have not spoken with in a while. Stay connected.

TIRED - Vince Lombardi said “Fatigue makes cowards of us all.” It’s not that most people don’t have the time to rest, it’s that most people have actually forgotten how. When it comes to the ultimate form of rest, sleeping, when was the last time you got the recommended 8 - 10 hours? In addition to getting enough sleep, schedule time to rest. Put it in your appointment book, and protect it and keep it like you would any other important appointment.

When you find yourself in H.A.L.T. mode, refrain from making important decisions until you have taken time for yourself and are in a better frame of mind. It may be helpful to attend a 12-Step meeting, phone someone in recovery or be of good service to someone. Sometimes the onset of anxiety or a sudden drop in mood can be traced to our having forgotten to eat so our blood sugar levels are off kilter. Sometimes we may be carrying a resentment, or feeling lonely, or we are just too tired.

Taking a little time out from our busy day to ask ourselves if we are feeling too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, gets us in touch with our feelings. When we know what we are feeling we can make choices and take the appropriate action to get our needs for food, companionship, or rest, met.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

What's Your Emotional IQ?

From http://alternativebroadcasting.org/archives/2007/08/20/emotional-intelligence-and-acas-adult-children-of-alcoholics/

Emotional Intelligence and ACAs (Adult Children of Alcoholics)

August 20th, 2007

Everyone in the alcoholic’s family suffers effects from the
disease. Typically everyone involved in the life of the
alcoholic and dysfunctional family has low or no emotional
intelligence. They don’t know what they think or feel, and don’t
think they have a right to. Many of the challenges facing Adult
Children of Alcoholics (ACAs) can be addressed by developing
Emotional Intelligence. Here are some examples.

[Source: Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization
(http://www.adultchildren.org )

1. ACAs tend to over-react to anger and criticism, and are
afraid of authority figures.

EQ COMPETENCY: Constructive discontent.

If you’re an ACA and someone gets angry at you, you shrink
inside and shut down or panic, reacting in a way that isn’t
always appropriate to the actual real-life situation. Learning
constructive ways to deal with the emotions engendered by
disagreement and criticism are part of EQ.

Emotional Intelligence means not taking constructive criticism
personally and emotionally, but getting the message and
benefiting from it. Experiencing fear and anger, strong emotions
designed for survival, can’t be controlled, but we always have a
choice in how we respond to them.

2. ACAs often feel isolated and lonely and uneasy with other
people.

EQ COMPETENCY: Interpersonal skills, Emotional Expression and
Communication.

Isolation is one of the worst things we can do to ourselves. To
live in emotional isolation can be worse on our health than such
things as smoking and being overweight. Learning to communicate
well, and express feelings appropriately is part of the EQ
experience.

3. ACAs feel like victims when something bad happens to them.

EQ COMPETENCY: Personal Power.

Personal Power is the opposite of victim-ology. Instead of
asking “Who will take care of me?” you learn to ask, “How will I
take care of myself?” It means building confidence in your
ability to handle your life and believing that you can do it.

4. ACAs are often uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. They’re
afraid to reveal their feelings and who they are, and reluctant
to become vulnerable.

EQ COMPETENCY: Emotional Expression.

The first step in EQ is self-awareness; to become aware of your
feelings. Only then can you learn how to express them accurately
and appropriately.

5. ACAs tend to confuse pity with love, and to be more concerned
about others than they are about themselves.

EQ COMPETENCY: Interpersonal skills, Empathy.

Healthy Empathy means being able to understand where the other
person is coming from, but with respect for one’s own
boundaries. You can understand how the other person feels, but
not have to join them in the feeling. Empathy does not involve
the feeling of pity.

6. ACAs judge themselves harshly and are over-responsible. Often
they are perfectionists.

EQ COMPETENCY: Being adamantly and relentlessly self-forgiving.

Understanding that we’re human, and that we all make mistakes is
what this is all about. It takes a lot of practice for most of
us to ‘get’ this competency. It involves self-talk and learned
optimism, and managing the emotions of failures, losses,
rejections and mistakes. It isn’t good for your health, your
work, or your relationships to be a perfectionist!

7. ACAs have difficulty in identifying, understanding, and
expressing their feelings.

EQ COMPETENCY: EQ!

The cornerstone of Emotional Intelligence is self-awareness –
being able to identify and understand your feelings. If you
lived in an environment where feelings were not welcome,
denigrated, mocked, punished, ignored, denied, or lied about, it
will take some practice to be able to bring them up, identify
them, and understand them. That’s what EQ coaching is all about!

8. ACAs over-value the approval of others, and will ignore their
own values, preferences and beliefs in deference to others’.
Feeling vulnerable, they protect themselves by being overly
anxious to please others.

EQ COMPETENCY: Integrated Self, Personal Power and
Intentionality.

These competencies help us stay centered, and act with intent,
based on our own values, preferences, feelings, thoughts, and
beliefs. When we own and claim our Personal Power, we can aim to
get along with others with good will, but are no longer driven
to please someone else at our own expense.

9. ACAs tend to be addicted to excitement. They are risk seekers
who prefer constant upset to workable solutions.

EQ COMPETENCY: Understanding, accepting and processing emotions,
operating with Intentionality, and often being able eventually
to modulate emotions.

EQ means learning where emotions come from and how they operate
and being able to make choices instead of knee jerk reactions.
We learn the different ‘feel’ or emotions from the reptilian
brain and the limbic brain, and when and how to blend this with
the thinking brain, the neocortex. Understanding where the need
for excitement comes from allows us to manage it, and avoid
chaotic situations that self-sabotage. EQ is all about workable
solutions and how to achieve them.

10. ACAs are imprisoned by childhood reactions.

EQ COMPETENCY: Emotional Intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence means understanding where emotions come
from, and being able to experience them, consider them, learn
from them, and then make a decision to respond (or not), instead
of reacting without thinking. Developing your Emotional
Intelligence will help you avoid being entrapped in any
unrealistic, rash or un-reasoned reaction.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Can I Be Normal?

from http://alcoholselfhelpnews.wordpress.com/2007/09/22/adult-children-of-alcoholics-can-practice-being-normal/

Adult children of alcoholics can practice ‘being normal’

“Sometimes I feel like I was raised by wolves,” sighed James, a 55-year-old man who grew up in a home with two alcoholic parents. “I’ve gone through so much of my life guessing at what ‘normal’ is. It’s like trying to find your way through a dark woods without a compass.”

According to Rosemary Hartman, supervisor of the Hazelden Family Program in Center City, Minn., reactions like James’ are typical for people who grew up in dysfunctional families. But acknowledging that there were issues that deeply affected the whole family system is an important first step toward emotional and spiritual healing.

Hartman said this acknowledgment frequently happens when adults have their own children. “They want to be good parents, but struggle with how to do it. They have some notions that are guided by principles in culture that sound good, but they don’t know how to practice them because they had no role models.”

Often, children raised in alcoholic families learn the “four Ds” early on:

Don’t talk about what is really going on.
Don’t trust anyone but yourself.
Don’t feel or have needs because there is no one available to validate or respond to you.
Deny there is a problem.

Because they don’t know what “normal” is, they may constantly seek approval or affirmation. What might be considered overachieving by others might seem routine to children of alcoholics who learned to try to be perfect so they wouldn’t disrupt things or incur the wrath of the alcoholic.

Children in such a system may also have trouble identifying or expressing their feelings. In their homes it may not have been okay to cry or be angry. Sentiments crucial to a child like “I’m sorry,” or even “I love you,” might have been absent or not authentic, delivered without an emotional foundation or behaviors consistent with such statements.

There is a saying in Twelve Step mutual-help groups that “We’re only as sick as our secrets,” but breaking the pattern of secrecy or the no-talk rules that may have existed in a family can be difficult. “It’s only been within the last 25-30 years that people began to talk about these things,” explained Hartman. “For persons with older parents, there was such a lack of understanding of addiction as an illness. It was considered a moral issue, and people with addictions were viewed as weak—as bad parents, people or spouses.”

It’s important to understand, said Hartman, that acknowledging the reality of an alcoholic family is not about blame. It’s about understanding the disease of alcoholism and the dire effects it can have on a family, then taking responsibility for your own behavior once you’ve gained the tools with which to live a healthy and balanced life.

An Al-Anon-affiliated group for adult children is an excellent place to start, said Hartman. “Part of the problem with growing up in an alcoholic family system is there aren’t consistent principles and values,” she said. “The Twelve Steps offer a set of principles by which we can live that are in line with every belief system.”

A Twelve Step group also provides a safe place where people can check things out to see if their responses, reactions and feelings are appropriate. In other words, it’s a great place to practice “being normal,” ask for help, and receive support and validation.

Hartman said that people on a journey of healing typically go through a grief process, encountering emotions like denial, anger and fear along the way. There is often grief surrounding the loss of the myth of family and the loss of a happy childhood. The goal, she said, is to learn about addiction, develop new coping mechanisms, let go of resentment or judgment, and ultimately move to a place of compassion and kindness towards others.

Hartman cautions adult children to approach recovery “slowly and quietly,” and to concentrate on themselves. “This is your own personal journey and it may be threatening to family members who still view alcoholism as a moral failing or who feel you are being disloyal by telling family secrets. You can’t take others along, but you can demonstrate positive changes. We can’t rewrite history, but we can take steps today to make sure that history doesn’t repeat itself.”

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children