6,570 Days

At least 1 in 4 children grow up in alcoholic families. According to the 2000 Census, 72 percent of American homes harbor someone with an addiction. These numbers do not take into account those living with mistreatment, abuse and neglect.


By the time they turn 18, children in these environments have experienced 160,000 hours of living with dysfunction. That's 6,570 days of shame, belittlement, neglect, criticism, manipulation, mental abuse and for many, physical and/or sexual abuse.


Perhaps a good thing to remember if recovery seems slow, is that it took a while to get where we got.


Jim Emshoff, Ph.D., explains how to start breaking the cycle:



Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Breaking The Cycle

You CAN reconcile with your past. But you will need to become as aware as possible of what you have been through. And be willing to feel emotions you have been avoiding for a long time.


This can be difficult for Adult Children Of Alcoholics that have had bad experiences, trauma and grown up in dysfunctional homes. The thought of, "I've been through that once and never again!" may be the initial reaction. Long ago, survival may have dictated that these overwhelming, unbearable, horrible feelings were buried, minimized and denied. Without anyone to safely share and process them with, a child has little choice. So the vulnerable child hides these terrible feelings as best they can in order to make it through each day.





Many years later as an adult, these buried feeling continue to disrupt even though you may not realize they are still there. They may still be causing you to become "A reactor rather than an actor".  If the feelings are never processed adequately they will create negativity for the rest of your life. But now you have more resources to deal with them including your own emotional maturity, recovery insight, good support groups and qualified therapists.


Still, this is not an easy task. If it was, you would probably have already done it. It is highly recommended that a professional counselor who is experienced in this type of work be involved. Really getting in touch with the hurts of the past may make you feel like just like you did when you were a kid. The pain, sorrow and fear may feel just as strong and just as overwhelming. You may feel a depression and sadness that seems pervasive and never ending. You may cry uncontrollably. This is why you need a good, safe support system to reach out to. If you are feeling these feelings it means you are no longer quieting your inner child and are honoring his/her feelings and allowing them to be felt and expressed. That alone is a big step.



"By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the  past. We learn to reparent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect."- The Solution



If you start to feel sadness or other "negative" feeling, your first instinct may be to deny and repress it. You may have been "trained" very well to do this from a young age so it may seem natural. Your critical inner voice may try to minimize and stifle. It may tell you that things weren't so bad or question what you have to complain about. Or you may use anger to avoid feeling pain.


You may find that your feelings are blocked or locked down so tightly that you are not sure what they are. Simply asking yourself, "What am I REALLY feeling inside?" and then listening for the answer may help. There is no pressure to get an answer. Just ask yourself the question several times a day and see what happens.


Try to encourage your inner child to express themselves. If you feel sadness, it may help to make empathetic statements to yourself like, "Wow, Johnny, you are really feeling sad, huh? It's ok, you have every right to feel that way and I am here for you" to encourage the child. This may sound a bit silly but when your child knows you are there supporting them they feel safer to reveal their feelings. This is positive reparenting.


American therapists John and Linda Friel have created a model for the different stages in this process:

You have to identify the things you have been through as a child.
You must experience your feelings concerning these things - it is not enough to talk about them.
You have to really feel these feelings, which means that you have to make them as strong as they were when the situation occurred.
You must share these feelings with other people.
You have to make a decision about your relationship with the person or persons who hurt you, and still are hurting you.
Not until after these steps can you begin to recover and forgive.


If you get in touch and feel deep, overwhelming emotions you may feel like you are going to lose control of yourself or that it will never end. You may be afraid of being stuck in that dark place. Many therapists believe that your body has it's own safety valve and will automatically "turn off" the feelings if they get too intense. This is when it is critical to have a support system and safety net that you can reach out to. Sharing the feelings is an important step in the process. 

"The road to liberation goes through breaking the silence and through breaking the unwillingness to see and to listen to the small child within you. In order to reach this goal you must, however, make your way through the pain - and not slide over or around it. The pain that this journey causes is the foundation for recovery."- http://web4health.info


Again, it can be difficult to go through all this on your own. Safe, empathetic friends, family/support system and a good therapist are needed.


Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Symptoms Of Codependency

Codependency and Adult Children Of Alcoholics go hand in hand. Being Codependent is not "bad". It could even be seen as a valuable coping mechanism that helps those growing up in dysfunctional families survive. This reaction may now work against us and keep us locked in unhealthy behaviors. 

 Codependent behavior may have been such an intrinsic part of our lives for so long that it may be hard to consciously realize now when we are doing it. The following list can be used as a reminder of what defines it and a yardstick to measure how far we have come:

1. External focus, never looking inside-  always focused on other person or people.

2. Tries to control behavior of others through approval-seeking and people-pleasing behavior.

3. Experiences intimacy by discounting own feelings, and empathizing with feelings of others.

4. Loss of healthy boundaries, generally resulting from doing things for others that violate one’s values, and from accepting unacceptable behavior from others.

5. Frozen feelings, numbness with regard to one’s own feelings. Depression may also result from repressed anger.

6. Low self-esteem. Self is valued according to others’ opinions. Uses martyr, victim, and messiah role to bolster self-esteem.

7. Generalized anxiety, related to lack of control of one’s life.

8. Mental preoccupation. Racing thoughts. Inability to enjoy mental silence and serenity. Inability to relax and stay in the moment.

9. Lack of assertiveness: inability to ask directly for one’s true needs. Inability to confront unhealthy behavior in others.

10. Narcissism. In the absence of healthy, legitimate boundaries, others are seen as for or against self.

Take the "Am I a codependent?" test here: http://www.karenmcmahon.com/2011/09/18/am-i-a-codependent/

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Wisconsin Beauty Queen- Child of Alcoholics

The newly crowned beauty queen (Miss Wisconsin Central), Mariah Haberman uses her position to support fellow adult children of alcoholics, making ACOA issues her primary platform.

"I grew up in a family where alcohol was very prevalent, alcohol was always around and eventually in 2007 my step father was killed in a drunk driving accident, that obviously changed my life. And it changed my entire family's life."

Haberman believes, "Maybe we could have even saved our family if we had brought this into the open 5-10 years earlier, instead of one of my parents having to die from an issue that we kept quiet about."

She will compete in the upcoming Miss Wisconsin Pageant. The current Miss Wisconsin, Laura Kaeppeler, won the Miss America pageant in January.


Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

16 Characteristics, Letting Go Of Anxiety, Love And Fear

16 Characteristics of Adult Children Of Alcoholics

Dr. Timmen L. Cernmak has listed SIXTEEN characteristics of Adult Children Of Alcoholics in this downloadable pamphlet. Interesting reading for both newcomers and the experienced alike. Courtesy of USC Center for Work and Family Life:

Free download: Sixteen Characteristics of ACAs

Other Informational Pamphlets include Improving Self Esteem, Coping With Grief, also Stress, Depression and others: http://www.usc.edu/programs/cwfl/services/pamphlets.html  


How to Let Go of Anxiety, Worry, Depression



Joseph Clough is a life coach and international motivational speaker. He explains how to change your emotional state at will, quickly and easily, overcome negative thoughts and increase positivity.

Listen here:

Read Joseph Clough's Blog

More free downloads from Joseph Clough on iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/joseph-cloughs-hypnosis-hypnotherapy/id369607516


 Love and Fear: The Only Two Emotions

Jodi Aman, LCSW-R, talks about how all emotions stem from just two; Love and Fear:



 Read the full post here: Love And Fear

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children