Can You Change Dysfunction?

Little Miss Sunshine

Excerpts from http://www.couns.uiuc.edu/brochures/dysfunct.htm

Resulting Problems

Abuse and neglect inhibit the development of children's trust in the world, in others, and in themselves. Later as adults, these people may find it difficult to trust the behaviors and words of others, their own judgements and actions, or their own senses of selfworth. Not surprisingly, they may experience problems in their academic work, their relationships, and in their very identities.

Making Changes

Sometimes we continue in our roles because we are waiting for our parents to give us "permission"; to change. But that permission can come only from you. Like most people, parents in dysfunctional families often feel threatened by changes in their children. As a result, they may thwart your efforts to change and insist that you "change back." That's why it's so important for you to trust your own perceptions and feelings. Change begins with you. Some specific things you can do include:

Identify painful or difficult experiences that happened during your childhood. Make a list of your behaviors, beliefs, etc. that you would like to change. Next to each item on the list, write down the behavior, belief, etc. that you would like to do/have instead. Pick one item on your list and begin practicing the alternate behavior or belief. Choose the easiest item first.
Once you are able to do the alternate behavior more often than the original, pick another item on the list and practice changing it, too. In addition to working on your own, you might find it helpful to work with a group of people with similar experiences and/or with a professional counselor.

Special Considerations

As you make changes, keep in mind the following:

Stop trying to be perfect. In addition, don't try to make your family perfect. Realize that you are not in control of other people's lives. You do not have the power to make others change. Don't try to win the old struggles - you can't win. Set clear limits - e.g., if you do not plan on visiting your parents for a holiday, say "no," not "be." Identify what you would like to have happen. Recognize that when you stop behaving the way you used to, even for a short time, there may be adverse reactions from your family or friends. Anticipate what the reactions will be (e.g., tears, yelling, other intimidating responses) and decide how you will respond.

Final Note

Don't become discouraged if you find yourself slipping back into old patterns of behavior. Changes may be slow and gradual; however, as you continue to practice new and healthier behaviors, they will begin to become part of your day to day living.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

H.A.L.T. In The Name Of Serenity!

H.A.L.T.

H.A.L.T. indicates that you need to stop and take care of yourself when you get Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Being too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, are conditions that leave us more vulnerable to the temptations that lead us away from our program of recovery. Part of recovery is learning to pay attention to these inner signals and practice appropriate ways to meet our needs and resolve issues in a manner that will enhance our serenity.

When HUNGRY, you not only need enough food, but the right kinds of foods. Although food comes immediately to mind, there are many other things for which we can “hunger.” We all need a sense of worth, connection to others and to something bigger than ourselves, appreciation, and many others. Miss out on some of these basic emotional needs for very long and we can end up sad or depressed.

When ANGRY, stop and deal with it using your recovery tools. Pray. Get some exercise and fresh air. Talk to a sponsor, counselor or trusted recovery friend. Remember that your serenity, not your ego, is the important thing. I get angry, you get angry, we all get angry. No problem there. The problem comes when anger is our most common emotion and our first response to most situations. Recent research has demonstrated that constant anger is not only not good for you, it can kill you. Pay attention to and deal with the emotions that anger typically grows out of: fear, frustration, hurt.

LONELY - In spite of all the modern ways we have to communicate with each other, we still live in a culture where it is incredibly easy to become isolated. Most people don’t know the names of their neighbors on either side or across the street. I know of people who are “just too busy” to spend the time to connect with other people. These folks are way too busy for their own good. Take the time to connect and stay connected to others. Walk next door and introduce yourself. Call an old friend you have not spoken with in a while. Stay connected.

TIRED - Vince Lombardi said “Fatigue makes cowards of us all.” It’s not that most people don’t have the time to rest, it’s that most people have actually forgotten how. When it comes to the ultimate form of rest, sleeping, when was the last time you got the recommended 8 - 10 hours? In addition to getting enough sleep, schedule time to rest. Put it in your appointment book, and protect it and keep it like you would any other important appointment.

When you find yourself in H.A.L.T. mode, refrain from making important decisions until you have taken time for yourself and are in a better frame of mind. It may be helpful to attend a 12-Step meeting, phone someone in recovery or be of good service to someone. Sometimes the onset of anxiety or a sudden drop in mood can be traced to our having forgotten to eat so our blood sugar levels are off kilter. Sometimes we may be carrying a resentment, or feeling lonely, or we are just too tired.

Taking a little time out from our busy day to ask ourselves if we are feeling too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, gets us in touch with our feelings. When we know what we are feeling we can make choices and take the appropriate action to get our needs for food, companionship, or rest, met.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

What's Your Emotional IQ?

From http://alternativebroadcasting.org/archives/2007/08/20/emotional-intelligence-and-acas-adult-children-of-alcoholics/

Emotional Intelligence and ACAs (Adult Children of Alcoholics)

August 20th, 2007

Everyone in the alcoholic’s family suffers effects from the
disease. Typically everyone involved in the life of the
alcoholic and dysfunctional family has low or no emotional
intelligence. They don’t know what they think or feel, and don’t
think they have a right to. Many of the challenges facing Adult
Children of Alcoholics (ACAs) can be addressed by developing
Emotional Intelligence. Here are some examples.

[Source: Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization
(http://www.adultchildren.org )

1. ACAs tend to over-react to anger and criticism, and are
afraid of authority figures.

EQ COMPETENCY: Constructive discontent.

If you’re an ACA and someone gets angry at you, you shrink
inside and shut down or panic, reacting in a way that isn’t
always appropriate to the actual real-life situation. Learning
constructive ways to deal with the emotions engendered by
disagreement and criticism are part of EQ.

Emotional Intelligence means not taking constructive criticism
personally and emotionally, but getting the message and
benefiting from it. Experiencing fear and anger, strong emotions
designed for survival, can’t be controlled, but we always have a
choice in how we respond to them.

2. ACAs often feel isolated and lonely and uneasy with other
people.

EQ COMPETENCY: Interpersonal skills, Emotional Expression and
Communication.

Isolation is one of the worst things we can do to ourselves. To
live in emotional isolation can be worse on our health than such
things as smoking and being overweight. Learning to communicate
well, and express feelings appropriately is part of the EQ
experience.

3. ACAs feel like victims when something bad happens to them.

EQ COMPETENCY: Personal Power.

Personal Power is the opposite of victim-ology. Instead of
asking “Who will take care of me?” you learn to ask, “How will I
take care of myself?” It means building confidence in your
ability to handle your life and believing that you can do it.

4. ACAs are often uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. They’re
afraid to reveal their feelings and who they are, and reluctant
to become vulnerable.

EQ COMPETENCY: Emotional Expression.

The first step in EQ is self-awareness; to become aware of your
feelings. Only then can you learn how to express them accurately
and appropriately.

5. ACAs tend to confuse pity with love, and to be more concerned
about others than they are about themselves.

EQ COMPETENCY: Interpersonal skills, Empathy.

Healthy Empathy means being able to understand where the other
person is coming from, but with respect for one’s own
boundaries. You can understand how the other person feels, but
not have to join them in the feeling. Empathy does not involve
the feeling of pity.

6. ACAs judge themselves harshly and are over-responsible. Often
they are perfectionists.

EQ COMPETENCY: Being adamantly and relentlessly self-forgiving.

Understanding that we’re human, and that we all make mistakes is
what this is all about. It takes a lot of practice for most of
us to ‘get’ this competency. It involves self-talk and learned
optimism, and managing the emotions of failures, losses,
rejections and mistakes. It isn’t good for your health, your
work, or your relationships to be a perfectionist!

7. ACAs have difficulty in identifying, understanding, and
expressing their feelings.

EQ COMPETENCY: EQ!

The cornerstone of Emotional Intelligence is self-awareness –
being able to identify and understand your feelings. If you
lived in an environment where feelings were not welcome,
denigrated, mocked, punished, ignored, denied, or lied about, it
will take some practice to be able to bring them up, identify
them, and understand them. That’s what EQ coaching is all about!

8. ACAs over-value the approval of others, and will ignore their
own values, preferences and beliefs in deference to others’.
Feeling vulnerable, they protect themselves by being overly
anxious to please others.

EQ COMPETENCY: Integrated Self, Personal Power and
Intentionality.

These competencies help us stay centered, and act with intent,
based on our own values, preferences, feelings, thoughts, and
beliefs. When we own and claim our Personal Power, we can aim to
get along with others with good will, but are no longer driven
to please someone else at our own expense.

9. ACAs tend to be addicted to excitement. They are risk seekers
who prefer constant upset to workable solutions.

EQ COMPETENCY: Understanding, accepting and processing emotions,
operating with Intentionality, and often being able eventually
to modulate emotions.

EQ means learning where emotions come from and how they operate
and being able to make choices instead of knee jerk reactions.
We learn the different ‘feel’ or emotions from the reptilian
brain and the limbic brain, and when and how to blend this with
the thinking brain, the neocortex. Understanding where the need
for excitement comes from allows us to manage it, and avoid
chaotic situations that self-sabotage. EQ is all about workable
solutions and how to achieve them.

10. ACAs are imprisoned by childhood reactions.

EQ COMPETENCY: Emotional Intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence means understanding where emotions come
from, and being able to experience them, consider them, learn
from them, and then make a decision to respond (or not), instead
of reacting without thinking. Developing your Emotional
Intelligence will help you avoid being entrapped in any
unrealistic, rash or un-reasoned reaction.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Can I Be Normal?

from http://alcoholselfhelpnews.wordpress.com/2007/09/22/adult-children-of-alcoholics-can-practice-being-normal/

Adult children of alcoholics can practice ‘being normal’

“Sometimes I feel like I was raised by wolves,” sighed James, a 55-year-old man who grew up in a home with two alcoholic parents. “I’ve gone through so much of my life guessing at what ‘normal’ is. It’s like trying to find your way through a dark woods without a compass.”

According to Rosemary Hartman, supervisor of the Hazelden Family Program in Center City, Minn., reactions like James’ are typical for people who grew up in dysfunctional families. But acknowledging that there were issues that deeply affected the whole family system is an important first step toward emotional and spiritual healing.

Hartman said this acknowledgment frequently happens when adults have their own children. “They want to be good parents, but struggle with how to do it. They have some notions that are guided by principles in culture that sound good, but they don’t know how to practice them because they had no role models.”

Often, children raised in alcoholic families learn the “four Ds” early on:

Don’t talk about what is really going on.
Don’t trust anyone but yourself.
Don’t feel or have needs because there is no one available to validate or respond to you.
Deny there is a problem.

Because they don’t know what “normal” is, they may constantly seek approval or affirmation. What might be considered overachieving by others might seem routine to children of alcoholics who learned to try to be perfect so they wouldn’t disrupt things or incur the wrath of the alcoholic.

Children in such a system may also have trouble identifying or expressing their feelings. In their homes it may not have been okay to cry or be angry. Sentiments crucial to a child like “I’m sorry,” or even “I love you,” might have been absent or not authentic, delivered without an emotional foundation or behaviors consistent with such statements.

There is a saying in Twelve Step mutual-help groups that “We’re only as sick as our secrets,” but breaking the pattern of secrecy or the no-talk rules that may have existed in a family can be difficult. “It’s only been within the last 25-30 years that people began to talk about these things,” explained Hartman. “For persons with older parents, there was such a lack of understanding of addiction as an illness. It was considered a moral issue, and people with addictions were viewed as weak—as bad parents, people or spouses.”

It’s important to understand, said Hartman, that acknowledging the reality of an alcoholic family is not about blame. It’s about understanding the disease of alcoholism and the dire effects it can have on a family, then taking responsibility for your own behavior once you’ve gained the tools with which to live a healthy and balanced life.

An Al-Anon-affiliated group for adult children is an excellent place to start, said Hartman. “Part of the problem with growing up in an alcoholic family system is there aren’t consistent principles and values,” she said. “The Twelve Steps offer a set of principles by which we can live that are in line with every belief system.”

A Twelve Step group also provides a safe place where people can check things out to see if their responses, reactions and feelings are appropriate. In other words, it’s a great place to practice “being normal,” ask for help, and receive support and validation.

Hartman said that people on a journey of healing typically go through a grief process, encountering emotions like denial, anger and fear along the way. There is often grief surrounding the loss of the myth of family and the loss of a happy childhood. The goal, she said, is to learn about addiction, develop new coping mechanisms, let go of resentment or judgment, and ultimately move to a place of compassion and kindness towards others.

Hartman cautions adult children to approach recovery “slowly and quietly,” and to concentrate on themselves. “This is your own personal journey and it may be threatening to family members who still view alcoholism as a moral failing or who feel you are being disloyal by telling family secrets. You can’t take others along, but you can demonstrate positive changes. We can’t rewrite history, but we can take steps today to make sure that history doesn’t repeat itself.”

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

The Meaning Of Life

excerpts from "The Meaning Of Life"

http://www.suzannegold.com/

If you're confused about what you want or how to get it, perhaps you weren't given the chance to discover your own talents and passions.

If your relationships fail and you don't understand why, you may be acting out early patterning that doesn't work any more.

If you're trapped in situations that drain your energy, someone may have convinced you long ago that you're unworthy of better.

If you give in to people you can't stand and fear people you admire, you've probably adopted those attitudes to be sure you didn't offend someone important to you.

If you're overwhelmed by emotions that sometimes make you afraid to act, it's likely you didn't get the recognition you needed as a child to build self-confidence.

If any of this sounds familiar, take heart in knowing that you are not alone. Whether you ask mental health professionals or everyday people, most estimate that over 90% of American families are passing along generations of dysfunctional habits and attitudes that distort personal, social and political life.

The good news is that you are a spirit on a physical journey, and what happens in your life is guided by Spirit to bring you the circumstances you need to learn the lessons you came here for. Surviving a dysfunctional family means setting yourself free from the negative influences in your past so you can build a life you love. You are not a victim of your upbringing. Past circumstances don't necessarily doom you to failure. Although a dysfunctional past can crush your self-esteem and ruin your relationships, the distortion of your instincts can be reversed.

Life on earth is a miraculous blend of spirit and matter, an expression of the universal life force at the heart of creation. Whatever you call that force --God, All-That-Is, the Eternal, the Prime Mover, the Ground of Being, Allah, Yahweh, Shiva, Zeus, or an name you invent yourself--you and me and every living thing that ever was or will be is part of this infinite incomprehensible universe, like a cell in the body of God that has crystallized into your physical form to use its creative power to express your talents and abilities, and show you who you really are and how to make the most of your life.

Beneath your everyday awareness is a wiser, clearer you--what you might call your essence or soul. Your experience of yourself is based on the interaction between those two states of being--the internal and the external.

Either you allow Spirit to flow through you or you get in the way of its flow. When you're out of touch with your true nature, you feel small, separate, and lonely. Being comfortable in your own skin starts with accepting yourself as you are--a spiritual being who is in every moment, every situation, every flash of genius and every stupid blunder, unfolding and expanding far beyond your understanding.

Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings. Use them as signposts to help you set your own course, and be willing to make corrections if you find you've strayed from your natural progression. Beneath your surface are the vision, strength, compassion, and love that are your birthright. Approaching difficulties as opportunities to find your highest potential promotes healing by helping you locate a deeper reality, which permanently changes your perspective and deepens your capacity to love and learn in even the most difficult circumstances.

But by adopting behavior and attitudes to get along with the people closest to us, our natural inclinations become distorted. If instead of being nurtured and supported, we're ridiculed, ignored or abused, we feel afraid, cynical, or depressed. We become focused on doing whatever will stop the pain. We divert all our energy into figuring out how to protect ourselves emotionally and get our basic needs met, doing things we don't want to do but can't stop. We forget there was ever anything we liked or wanted in life, that we have innate talents and interests that are fun to explore and express. Instead we end up mimicking or rebelling against the patterns passed along to us.

Yet this is not an excuse to blame your family for wrecking your life, even if you believe that to be the case. In difficult situations, it's easy to lose touch with your original intention. Repressing your natural instincts for the sake of superficial harmony is the basis for most interactions in what we think of as polite society.

But as soon as you try to show that you love someone by pretending to be what they want you to be, the trouble begins. Cutting and pasting your behavior or beliefs to suit others is unnatural. Your authentic expression can't find an appropriate outlet, so it squeezes itself into an available alternative whether it fits or not. Even the most noble or worthy substitute can never be as satisfying as the original objective. It feels false, and is often physically painful. Your significant others may feel better temporarily, and you may look like you fit in, but keeping up an artificial front creates a split between your behavior and your experience which makes you feel desperate and worthless.

Peace of mind and well-being come from putting your faith in yourself rather than convention or history. Simply acknowleging your own truth heals you. Deep within, you are powerful. You didn't come here to find and problem and fix it. You came to identify and share your gifts. You are good. You are free to do what you want with your life. You are valuable. All is well.

Clearing your stumbling blocks and building your dreams go hand in hand. If you neglect either side, you're destined to relive your unworkable patterns over and over. The longer you ignore their call to action, the more strongly they demand your attention. You feel more pain and your circumstances get worse. Either you face your limitations and act in alignment with what feels right to you, or you blow off steam in ever worsening self-destructive and anti-social behaviors.

Whose life works perfectly, with nothing arising to disturb them? Having personal problems is universal, an essential part of human development. If we had no difficulties to negotiate, how would we learn anything? What we call "mistakes" are not necessarily failures. They can bring great insight.

Buddha's first noble turth is that life is suffering. This is not a statement of hopelessness, but a starting point for understanding how life works. Even the most trying circumstances can help us to release dysfunctional patterns and find our true direction. Experience is the greatest teacher, whether we label any particular situation as good or bad.

Seeing your distortions is the first step to clearing them up. Your reactions to the people and situations that either attract or repel you shape what happens with them. Through inspiration or frustration, they help you clarify your dreams and passions. The things that push your buttons provide clues to what keeps you from having what you want, highlight the areas where you have the most to learn, and give you the impetus to find the mess still left inside and transform it.

Don't be afraid of your emotions, even the so-called "negative" ones. Anger, grief, envy and the like are simply energy that needs to be examined to uncover the truth and good intentions beneath the situation that triggered them. This doesn't mean you have license to indulge your dark side or inflict your moods on others, which are both ways to avoid your true emotions. Instead, go into and beyond them to find the treasure hidden there.

When you examine the tangles in your mind that limit you, you dismantle them. Meeting the challenges within your problems and recognizing your buried emotions and unconscious obstacles frees up your energy to find more satisfying ways to live. Only when you bring your inner life to light can you come to terms with and transform it.

To do this, set aside ten or twenty minutes a day, go to a private place and sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Breathe slowly and deeply. Think of your inhale as bringing in peace and relaxation, and the exhale as releasing tension and distortion. Notice what you think and feel. Allow emotions to arise and pass through you like clouds across the sky, then let them go. Picture yourself healing, and imagine your fondest dreams coming true. When you feel complete, jot down anything you want to remember, then get up and go on with your day.

To have happiness, peace of mind, and well-being, put your faith in what lights you up rather than in conventional beliefs or history. Recognize your dreams and best intentions as a message from God, and take action to make them real. Simply paying attention to your own truth helps you awaken to the reality of spirit, and glimpse the meaning in your own life. Then you begin to see others' lives as meaningful, which enables you to forgive and tolerate difference and difficulty. Being willing to investigate your stuck places can revolutionize your life and society as your transformation reverberates in those around you, making the world a better place one heart at a time.

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Suzanne Gold has a Master's Degree in psychology, a Credential of Ministry from the Universal Life Church and has studied and practiced spiritual techniques and principles from around the world.


Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children