How Do You Deal With An Abusive Mother?

How do you deal with a mother who is physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive?

How do you deal with the guilt and sadness of not being able to have any kind of relationship with your mother unless you are willing to sacrifice your well-being?

Dr. Townsend answers this difficult question (3:24):



Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

The "I" Is The Window To Your Soul!

When sharing with an individual or as part of a group, using "I" statements can make a big difference. An "I" statement is sharing in the first person as opposed to using words such as "we", "they", "us" and "you".

At first, it may seem like an insignificant detail but using third person statements is distancing and impersonal. It can even be an attempt to sub-consciously control others or place responsibility outside of oneself.

Sharing in the first person promotes self responsibility by divulging information only about yourself. When you are tempted to use the generic form of "you", "we", etc., try to catch yourself and replace it with "I".

Example:

"When you get abused, it hurts you".

Change this to:

"When I got abused, it hurt me".

You'll be surprised how different it feels and how much more you and others get out of your share. It may feel uncomfortable at first. That's because you are casting off your protective shield and revealing the real you.

Remember:

An "I" statement exercises my self control. "I" statements build my self respect while offering others a true opportunity to have a real relationship with me. Struggling with "I" statements will often reveal the hidden aspects of the issues at hand.

If you truly want to disclose your feelings so that you and others can learn more about YOU, use an "I" statement!

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Camp Recovery 2008

Camp Recovery 2008 at Camp de Benneville Pines

"Emotions in Motion" April 25-27, 2008

Camp Recovery 2008 is a weekend of self-care where you and you inner child have the opportunity to grow, heal, play, discover reflect and work on yourselves. This year's camp features workshops, 12-step meetings, crafts, music, drumming, hiking, body movement, dancing and fellowship. All persons from ACA, CODA and similar 12-step programs are invited!

To find out more about this year's Camp Recovery, click here: Camp Recovery Info.

Camp de Benneville Pines is in the San Bernardino National Forest, about 90 miles east of Los Angeles. At an elevation of 6,800 feet and a short walk from Jenks Lake, the camp is surrounded by a forest of towering pines, cedars, and oaks.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

That Was Easy!

Have you ever met a "Decider"? A Decider is a person that makes choices so quickly and effortlessly you wonder how they do it.

I had a friend, Brian, who would walk into a car dealership and commit to buying a new vehicle within minutes. To him, it was not a spur of the moment or impulsive thing. He simply had the ability to surmise his options and make the right choice for himself very quickly with serenity and calm conviction.

He lived his entire life that way, making both big and small decisions as if he was deciding what to have for lunch. Brian was always intelligent, thoughtful and had tons of common sense. He was a wonderful source of advice on practically any issue. I am still amazed by his "gift".

Conversely, one of the common themes of many ACAers is difficulty in making decisions. This makes a complicated task requiring consistent focus and multiple steps quite daunting. No wonder we "Have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end."

My friend Brian's behavior inspired me to make my own decision making more efficient. First, I had to examine the process I had been using to make decisions. I found that I have allowed fear and negative emotions to cloud my ability.

"Judge themselves without mercy."

I know in my own life it is the fear of making a mistake that paralyzes me and freezes my ability to act. If I can't be sure it is the perfect decision, I am often not willing to make it. Have I considered all the options and ramifications? What if I regret my choice?

In reality, the "perfect" choice rarely presents itself. And the obsession with being perfect and wanting desperately not to ruffle other's feathers often makes choosing a painstaking task. I know if I fall short I am subject to "Judging myself without mercy."

Sometimes to avoid taking the risk of making a choice- I procrastinate. I tell myself I'll decide later after I gather more info. Then I promptly forget about the issue until it is "crunch" time or until it is too late. While waiting for some divine signal to guide me, opportunities have passed and deadlines have expired. Often with accompanying penalties. Then I am worse off than if I had just made an arbitrary choice and gone with it.

I am now much more aware of this game I play. When I catch myself doing it, I try to "reparent myself with gentleness, humor, love and respect". I remind myself that there are no perfect decisions. I come to grips with the fact that sometimes NOT making a decision is the worst decision of all.

"Lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternate behaviors or possible consequences. "

I've heard it said that successful people make important decisions quickly and easily. When I first heard it, this axiom was a real challenge to my way of thinking- I have actually waxed and waned tediously over what kind of toothpaste to buy. But after a while it made more sense to me.

Once a decision is made, action is initiated and the task at hand is that much closer to being accomplished. And one's mind is then free to respond to what's happening in the here and now. Fearful procrastinating only enables avoiding living in the present. Sometimes making ANY decision is better than none. And I have the power to make decisions work for me.

My logic tells me that most decisions are not that critical and that I can create a positive outcome out of nearly any path I choose. When I catch myself agonizing over some small thing, I remind myself that, in reality, it hardly matters. The worst outcome could not possibly match the level of anxiety I am attaching to it. When I realize this, it frees me to actually have fun with decision making and take a risk. I know I can make the best out of it no matter what.

I give myself the freedom to be wrong, make mistakes and even learn from them. If I mess up, so what? I made that decision promptly with the information I had at the time. And saved myself the grief of prolonged struggling over it.

Staying in practice helps on bigger issues. If I need to, I do a "gut check". This usually involves being still, having silence and relaxation. By not letting fear overwhelm the part of me that already knows the answer, I free myself to make a fitting choice.

I may not surpass Brian's ability to instantly see things with crystal clarity but I have seen positive results after committing to improve my own decision making capacities.

Thanks for listening,

Craig


Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Can You Change Dysfunction?

Little Miss Sunshine

Excerpts from http://www.couns.uiuc.edu/brochures/dysfunct.htm

Resulting Problems

Abuse and neglect inhibit the development of children's trust in the world, in others, and in themselves. Later as adults, these people may find it difficult to trust the behaviors and words of others, their own judgements and actions, or their own senses of selfworth. Not surprisingly, they may experience problems in their academic work, their relationships, and in their very identities.

Making Changes

Sometimes we continue in our roles because we are waiting for our parents to give us "permission"; to change. But that permission can come only from you. Like most people, parents in dysfunctional families often feel threatened by changes in their children. As a result, they may thwart your efforts to change and insist that you "change back." That's why it's so important for you to trust your own perceptions and feelings. Change begins with you. Some specific things you can do include:

Identify painful or difficult experiences that happened during your childhood. Make a list of your behaviors, beliefs, etc. that you would like to change. Next to each item on the list, write down the behavior, belief, etc. that you would like to do/have instead. Pick one item on your list and begin practicing the alternate behavior or belief. Choose the easiest item first.
Once you are able to do the alternate behavior more often than the original, pick another item on the list and practice changing it, too. In addition to working on your own, you might find it helpful to work with a group of people with similar experiences and/or with a professional counselor.

Special Considerations

As you make changes, keep in mind the following:

Stop trying to be perfect. In addition, don't try to make your family perfect. Realize that you are not in control of other people's lives. You do not have the power to make others change. Don't try to win the old struggles - you can't win. Set clear limits - e.g., if you do not plan on visiting your parents for a holiday, say "no," not "be." Identify what you would like to have happen. Recognize that when you stop behaving the way you used to, even for a short time, there may be adverse reactions from your family or friends. Anticipate what the reactions will be (e.g., tears, yelling, other intimidating responses) and decide how you will respond.

Final Note

Don't become discouraged if you find yourself slipping back into old patterns of behavior. Changes may be slow and gradual; however, as you continue to practice new and healthier behaviors, they will begin to become part of your day to day living.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children