Hiding From Love

Is some part of you hidden, locked away in a "safe" place and never to be released?

In Dr. John Townsend's book, "Hiding From Love", he describes the hiding patterns that, as children, protected us. Patterns that now imprison us as adults, keeping us from finding the healing we need and enjoying the intimacy we deserve.

Townsend explains that, when people are damaged by overwhelming dysfunction and emotional trauma, they isolate the injured pieces of themselves in order to survive. The broken parts caused by the pain of withdrawal from love are covered over with a veneer of denial. This denial attempts to nullify the pain with the belief that the need for connection to this part of ourselves does not exist or isn't really important.

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"When we hide, the time and energy that we need to spend in loving and being loved is diverted- it's channeled instead into maintaining our isolation."

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But "forgetting the past" does not work. Continuing hiding and isolating feelings keeps people frozen in that moment of trauma. This can go on for years and even decades. We cannot heal, grow and progress as long as we continue to engage in avoidance and denial. Broken parts of ourselves remain unrepaired, immature and in limbo. For example, when a child's boundaries are violated, emotional hiding usually results. And when the hurt part is isolated (hidden), it's as if the child is now left in a locked room with her abuser- doomed to relive the experience and barred from healing.

One indicator that you are hiding in denial is feeling shame. Shame keeps us stuck because it encourages further isolation, convincing us that we are beyond redemption.

According to Dr. Townsend, you are not to be blamed for wanting to hide. And "demanding that you function on an adult level with capabilities that aren't developed yet" is not only fruitless, it is casting judgment on the innocent. You can't do anything about that which you do not have access to.

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"Transference" then takes place. Transference happens when a part of us that is stuck in the past colors our current view of others. It is experiencing people through the eyes of your past injuries. For example, someone with unhealed attachment injuries tends to see others as more needy, intrusive and demanding than they actually are. Reality is distorted and we remain locked in our negative pattern.

Humility- the ability to experience our "badness" within the confines of a loving relationship, helps us to bring issues into the light where they can be healed. This is hard work. To display the ugliest most broken parts of ourselves to others is very difficult. It's like that terrible nightmare where you are naked in front of a large crowd.

Moving your injured parts into grace and truth is a risk that takes continued practice. In time the injured, formerly hidden parts mature and catch up to the rest of the functioning adult parts. I takes patience, time and work.


Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Relationships Foster Resilience

We hear and see it all the time in ACA/ACOA meetings and literature: "The first step is coming out of isolation". This sentiment is now being echoed by those studying overcoming adversity and increasing "resilience".

A recent article from psychologytoday.com suggests that regardless of your past or your genetic ability to handle stress, anyone can cultivate resilience. Psychiatrist Steven Wolin, M.D., defines resilience as "the capacity to rise above adversity". His findings are based on 20 years of his own research on adult children of alcoholics. Most of them, he has found, do not repeat their parents' drinking patterns.

Those who overcame adversity yet lacked strong family support systems growing up, sought and received help from others—a teacher, a neighbor, the parents of peers or, eventually, a spouse. They were not afraid to talk about the hard times they were having to someone who cared for their well-being.

Resilient children often hang out with families of untroubled peers. As adults, the resilient children of alcoholics marry into stable, loving families with whom they spend a great deal of time.


Psychologist Edith Grotberg, Ph.D., urges people to propagate their own resilience by thinking along three lines:

1. I Have: strong relationships, structure, rules at home, role models; these are external supports that are provided

2. I Am: a person who has hope and faith, cares about others, is proud of myself; these are inner strengths that can be developed

3. I Can: communicate, solve problems, gauge the temperament of others, seek good relationships—all interpersonal and problem-solving skills that are acquired.

It's often been said that the path to healing and maintaining recovery involves being around healing, balanced people; a safe group, family, friend, recovery org., therapist, church group, etc. The biggest challenge to improving resilience may be to overcome the long standing isolation that once provided protection from trauma and dysfunction.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200305/the-art-resilience

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Emotional Sobriety

Dr. Tian Dayton On Emotional Sobriety








According to Dr. Dayton, emotions are processed by the limbic brain system- our “emotional brain”. Our cortex- "thinking brain", tends to shut down when we get scared but our emotional or limbic brain keeps operating. The emotional "animal" brain takes over. In this moment we can lose our ability think clearly, to reflect on and make sense out of what we're feeling. It's nature's way of keeping protecting us by switching into survival mode.

The child is dependent on their parent to act as an external regulator because their internal regulators aren't fully developed until they are twelve or so. The small child is particularly vulnerable to emotional and psychological damage when the home is chaotic. If the parent is a victimizer or abuser, the child also loses access to their source of comfort and regulation.

Dr. Dayton believes if we didn't learn adequate skills of self regulation in childhood, we can learn them in adulthood. It is something we can train ourselves to do.

Dayton believes, to inscribe new hardwiring into our neural networks we must do more than just talk. We need to spend time in the presence of others who are experiencing balance and pleasure in their lives. To heal, we need to develop new relationships and learn the skills of limbic regulation in therapy, hobby groups, faith institutions, twelve step rooms and healthy lifestyle activities.

To use a "Dog Whisperer" analogy, we need to become part of a balanced pack. Then we learn to become balanced.

For more info. visit emotionalsobriety.info and tiandayton.com

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Michael Jackson- ACA

Raised by an abusive father who demanded perfection, Michael Jackson grew up to become one the world's most popular dysfunctional people. His story and tragic death, allegedly brought on by drug abuse, illustrates how untreated personal issues can grow from hidden pain to eventually become an "unmanageable" life and a shortened life span.

Michael's pathology became visible when he began engaging in bizarre behaviors, including multiple cosmetic surgeries and short lived "marriages". Things continued to snowball with strange on camera antics, accusations of child molestation and finally, reported drug abuse.

It is not known if MJ ever sought help for his troubles. He was, as many rich and famous are, surrounded by sycophants and those who's very livelihood depends on not challenging the status quo. If Michael's family tried to intervene, they were not successful. Judging by the end result, MJ didn't find a workable answer.

Perhaps he had isolated himself so deeply in a cocoon of denial, drugs and an entourage of protectors, he never had to face reality. If Michael wasn't able to take the first step and come out of his self imposed isolation, ACA recovery was an impossibility.

The lesson here is that no matter who you are, how much money or fame you have, the first step to getting badly needed help is still "coming out of isolation".

Rest in peace, Michael.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Meditation

Loving Kindness Meditation (3 Min.):


Many people know that the 11th Step encourages us to "improve our conscious contact" with our higher power. With today's hectic schedules, hours and days can quickly rush by before we realize we have been neglecting ourselves and haven't taken the time to meditate.

Here is a "mindfulness" website that may help. It offers free, guided meditations you can participate in, even right from your computer!

MARC- the "Mindful Awareness Research Center" is part of UCLA's Semel Institute. The MARC site offers FREE, downloadable meditations you can enjoy anytime. Click here to check them out:

MARC Meditations

There are many choices including a breathing meditation, loving kindness meditation and meditation for working with difficulties. They range in length from a quick, 3 minute pick-me-up to a deep, 19 minute complete meditation.

MARC even offers a free "mindfulness clock" widget for your desktop that gently reminds you that it's time to meditate.




MARC sites an "increasing sense of pressure, complexity and information overload" in our society as a major contributor to stress, health problems and diseases.

Mindful awareness "invites us to stop, breathe, observe, and connect with one's inner experience. There are many ways to bring mindfulness into one's life, such as meditation, yoga, art, or time in nature."

Research has shown meditation helps "lower blood pressure and boost the immune system; increase attention and focus, including aid those suffering from ADHD; help with difficult mental states such as anxiety and depression, fostering well-being and less emotional reactivity; and thicken the brain in areas in charge of decision making, emotional flexibility, and empathy."


Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children