Digging Deeper- The Child Within

Have you ever experienced intense feelings yet could not identify their source? Many Adult Children of Alcoholics have trouble knowing not only what they feel but WHY they feel certain emotions.

The answer may lie in your past. A current situation that triggers a powerful reaction most likely is tied to an old feeling. This feeling may have become almost like an instinct. It has become ingrained, like a reaction that happens without much thought.

Take anger for example. There are certain times when it is appropriate but often it is used as a defense. It is a SECONDARY emotion that is protecting something else. Many people get stuck in angry reactions because they are unable to identify the primary feeling- hurt, shame, fear, etc., that underlies the anger. So the the angry person continues being reactively angry and the true issue never gets resolved.

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-"It may help to think of yourself as a child"-

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The "Digging Deeper" exercise can help identify and manage emotional reactions in a more constructive way. As you continue to practice this exercise it will get easier and faster. There are five steps:

1. Think about what happened just before you felt angry. Did someone do or say something offensive? Did something remind you of a similar situation?

2. Identify the root of the anger- the primary feeling. This can be difficult because of the habit of reacting defensively and the tendency to our ignore the importance of our true feelings. It may help to think of yourself as a child. Picture him or her in your mind and try to feel what he or she is feeling. Are they sad, hurt, fearful, feeling guilty or shamed? You may need to meditate on this for a bit before you "get" the feeling.

3. Ask yourself when you have felt this way before. You may get a vague recollection or a very clear image of past situations in which you felt this way. There may be very old memories that reveal a repeating pattern.

4. How did you respond back then? Did you hold everything inside until you wanted to explode? Did you lash out, feel victimized, isolate, get sad or depressed? Is this the same way you are acting now?

5. Ask yourself what you really need right now. Asking for what we really want can be hard for ACOAs. Feel free to begin by verbalizing the sentence, "What I really need right now is_______________". It could be "to be listened to and understood" or "I need some reassurance" or "I need to know that I'm not alone".

Recognizing a need is the first step to becoming your own loving parent. The fact that your inner child's need was simply acknowledged helps him or her feel better.

After a while, you may begin to experience a sense of relief and an increased ability to communicate your feelings and needs. You may begin to feel closer to those around you. You will probably experience greater success getting your needs met and increased intimacy.

A side benefit of being empathetic with yourself is that you will begin to show more empathy and understanding for others. Don't be surprised if you discover others acting differently towards you as they respond to your increased warmth and understanding.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Roy's Story

This is Roy's story as told by Roy himself. It's the story of one man's experience as an ACOA growing up in a dysfunctional family. It's as inspiring as it is courageous.

Roy shares his difficulties and pain without judging or blaming. Just matter of fact sharing in the hopes that it may help other Adult Children Of Alcoholics.

I don't know if Roy will ever read this but I want to thank him for his powerful share and for posting this video.



Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

10 Myths About ACAs

From http://newlife.com/10-myths-about-children-of-alcoholics/



1. You should forget the past and only focus on today.



One of the survival tools learned by children of alcoholics is denial. You need to honestly examine the past to gain insight into the present. Recovery involves looking at today and yesterday.



2. Change must be immediate.



For most, the process of healing is gradual. Believing that change should be immediate is born out of perfectionistic childhood thinking. Adult children of alcoholics (ACA’s) tend to think in a mythical nothing-or-all format. This sets us up for defeat. Since most change is not immediate, we fail. After failure we conclude that we will never change.



3. Only the past determines the future.



Many adult children were taught that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. We have been taught to believe the myth that what we are and who we are will never change. But, within each of us lies the capacity to grow and alter the way we act and feel.



4. God’s forgiveness is fine for everyone but me.



A key roadblock for most adult children of alcoholics is the sense of being unforgiven. While growing up, forgiveness was rarely modeled. Children learn to perform in order to be approved. ACA’s approach God under the influence of this myth “If I make a mistake, there exists no forgiveness, just punishment.”



5. Others must approve of my actions or I’m no good.



Needing approval is a basic childhood need that one never outgrows. The problem comes when we do not get approval from others and draw the conclusion that we must be bad. This is a result of being raised in a family that promoted shame.



6. I must be able to do what I should do to be healed.



If I cannot, there is something wrong with me. While growing up, ACA’s were often made to feel, stupid, inadequate, bad and guilty for their actions and feelings. One of the legacies of the dysfunctional home is negative self-worth or shame. In recovery we must suspend our constant self-criticism and invalidation and learn the new skills that we need to heal and make positive choices.



7. External events and other people must change or I’ll never be able to be healed.



ACA’s do not learn to trust themselves, take appropriate risks, and establish independence and autonomy. ACA’s want other people to confirm things in them that should have been validated by their parents. Yet, if we are to respond to the healing work of God within us, we need to be responsive to our inner self. The old adage is still true today, “A better world begins with me.”



8. God will be just like my human father.



While there will be exceptions, children develop a view of God based on the relationship they have with their parents. In particular, fathers have a tremendous impact on the experience ACA’s expect when approaching God. ACA’s often view God as being absent, cold and indifferent, distant and unloving. They think “If I measure up, God will love me; if I don’t, I deserve punishment.” In contrast, the Bible describes a God who wants to comfort, nurture, heal and support.



9. If I turned everything over to God, I would not have the problems I have now.



Most if us have tried to let God take over everything and still found ourselves hurting, confused and making destructive choices. God is not a magician who removes all of our pain, sorrow and difficulties. God doesn’t promise peace from the storms of life, but rather peace amidst the storms. Learning to turn ourselves over to God is a reflection of our needs, our imperfections and the flawed world we live in. Fellowship with God will allow us to develop a broader vision about our life.



10. It is selfish and bad to focus on myself.



Others count more than I do. Parents who teach this concept restrict their children to a life that is confused and solely other-directed. Recovery does not mean we replace other-centered living with only self-centered living. Recovery means seeking a balance between what I want, feel and need and what others want, feel and need.



Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Music Medicine

Music has been used as therapy for seizures, high blood pressure, ADD, mental illness, depression, stress and insomnia. Since many of these symptoms are common in adult children of alcoholics, I was excited to find a source of relaxing music that anyone can access for free (see below).

Musicologist Julius Portnoy found that music can change metabolic rates, increase or decrease blood pressure, effect energy levels and digestion positively or negatively, depending on the type of music.

Calming music was found to have a very calming effect on the body and cause the increase of endorphins. Thirty minutes of such music was equal to the effect of a dose of valium.

Right now, Amazon is offering a free download of music that you can chill to. These mellow native flutes are mixed with guitars, drums and nature sounds. The sound is soothing, relaxing and is the perfect antidote for a stressful day.

Click here to sample and download this music for FREE: Native Flutes For Relaxation

There is no obligation to download this music. It is compatible with all MP3 players. May only be available for a limited time.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

The New Truth About Depression

Adult Children Of Alcoholics are likely to fall prey to depression at one time or another. Newly uncovered evidence indicates that people with depression do NOT have low levels of serotonin! And the most effective treatment for depression costs nothing but the drug companies will not tell you about it.

In the video below, Dr. Mercola interviews Pulitzer Prize nominee Robert Whitaker. Whitaker is the author of "Mad in America" and "Anatomy of an Epidemic: Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America".




Whitaker points out that in the US in 1985, 600 million dollars was spent on psychiatric medications. This has now grown to over 40 billion dollars per year.

According to the most recent statistics from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), more than one in 20 Americans are depressed. Long-term studies indicate that of people with major depression, only about 15 percent that are treated with an antidepressant go into remission and stay well for a long period of time. The remaining 85 percent start having continuing relapses and become chronically depressed.

It has been widely accepted that depression is due to a “chemical imbalance in your brain,” which drugs are designed to correct. Unfortunately, this is NOT a scientific statement.

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“The low serotonin theory arose because they understood how the drugs acted on the brain,” Whitaker explains.
“But it was just a hypothesis borne to try to explain why the drug might be fixing something. In 1983, NIMH concluded that there is no evidence that there is anything wrong in the serotonergic system of depressed patients. And this was before Prozac was released. So there was never evidence that people with depression characteristically had low levels of serotonin."

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There is also a risk that long term drug use for treatment of depression may even cause cognitive decline.

Studies on exercise as a treatment for depression are also showing that there is a strong correlation between improved mood and aerobic capacity. One study conducted by Duke University in the late 1990’s divided depressed patients into three treatment groups:

*Exercise only

*Exercise plus antidepressant

*Antidepressant drug only

After six weeks, the drug-only group was doing slightly better than the other two groups. However, after 10 months of follow-up, it was the exercise-only group that had the highest remission and stay-well rate!

British doctors now actually write prescriptions for exercise their depressed patients. Since 2007, the rate of British doctors prescribing exercise for depression has increased from about 4 percent to about 25 percent.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children