Symptoms Of Codependency

Codependency and Adult Children Of Alcoholics go hand in hand. Being Codependent is not "bad". It could even be seen as a valuable coping mechanism that helps those growing up in dysfunctional families survive. This reaction may now work against us and keep us locked in unhealthy behaviors. 

 Codependent behavior may have been such an intrinsic part of our lives for so long that it may be hard to consciously realize now when we are doing it. The following list can be used as a reminder of what defines it and a yardstick to measure how far we have come:

1. External focus, never looking inside-  always focused on other person or people.

2. Tries to control behavior of others through approval-seeking and people-pleasing behavior.

3. Experiences intimacy by discounting own feelings, and empathizing with feelings of others.

4. Loss of healthy boundaries, generally resulting from doing things for others that violate one’s values, and from accepting unacceptable behavior from others.

5. Frozen feelings, numbness with regard to one’s own feelings. Depression may also result from repressed anger.

6. Low self-esteem. Self is valued according to others’ opinions. Uses martyr, victim, and messiah role to bolster self-esteem.

7. Generalized anxiety, related to lack of control of one’s life.

8. Mental preoccupation. Racing thoughts. Inability to enjoy mental silence and serenity. Inability to relax and stay in the moment.

9. Lack of assertiveness: inability to ask directly for one’s true needs. Inability to confront unhealthy behavior in others.

10. Narcissism. In the absence of healthy, legitimate boundaries, others are seen as for or against self.

Take the "Am I a codependent?" test here: http://www.karenmcmahon.com/2011/09/18/am-i-a-codependent/

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Wisconsin Beauty Queen- Child of Alcoholics

The newly crowned beauty queen (Miss Wisconsin Central), Mariah Haberman uses her position to support fellow adult children of alcoholics, making ACOA issues her primary platform.

"I grew up in a family where alcohol was very prevalent, alcohol was always around and eventually in 2007 my step father was killed in a drunk driving accident, that obviously changed my life. And it changed my entire family's life."

Haberman believes, "Maybe we could have even saved our family if we had brought this into the open 5-10 years earlier, instead of one of my parents having to die from an issue that we kept quiet about."

She will compete in the upcoming Miss Wisconsin Pageant. The current Miss Wisconsin, Laura Kaeppeler, won the Miss America pageant in January.


Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

16 Characteristics, Letting Go Of Anxiety, Love And Fear

16 Characteristics of Adult Children Of Alcoholics

Dr. Timmen L. Cernmak has listed SIXTEEN characteristics of Adult Children Of Alcoholics in this downloadable pamphlet. Interesting reading for both newcomers and the experienced alike. Courtesy of USC Center for Work and Family Life:

Free download: Sixteen Characteristics of ACAs

Other Informational Pamphlets include Improving Self Esteem, Coping With Grief, also Stress, Depression and others: http://www.usc.edu/programs/cwfl/services/pamphlets.html  


How to Let Go of Anxiety, Worry, Depression



Joseph Clough is a life coach and international motivational speaker. He explains how to change your emotional state at will, quickly and easily, overcome negative thoughts and increase positivity.

Listen here:

Read Joseph Clough's Blog

More free downloads from Joseph Clough on iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/joseph-cloughs-hypnosis-hypnotherapy/id369607516


 Love and Fear: The Only Two Emotions

Jodi Aman, LCSW-R, talks about how all emotions stem from just two; Love and Fear:



 Read the full post here: Love And Fear

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

The Closet Laundry List

Eminem - Cleanin' Out My Closet from GB on Vimeo.

Thanks to "Sparky" for contributing this and bringing it back out into the light. The original Laundry List traits are below the "Closet" traits:


The Closet Laundry List
(14 Traits of a Loving Abuser)

These are characteristics we seem to have in common due to being brought up in an alcoholic/ dysfunctional household and taking the covert victimizer role; that is, one who uses a victim position to justify imposing their will upon others or to exercise control and gain power.

1) We fear the spontaneous, authentic child and can isolate through alienation.

We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures

2) We demand compliance as a form of approval (love) and we lose emotional connection (trust) as a result.

We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process

3) The healthy protesting child frightens us and personal criticism brings fear of punishment, so we learn to retaliate.

We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism

4) We repeat patterns of compulsive abandonment, creating and reacting to false dependencies over and over again.

We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs

5) We take the victim position; from here we can attack safely. We can hide among true victims who are often recipients of our traumatic actions.

We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships

6) We shift focus to others; we try to help them but we also hurt them as we pass para-alcoholic behaviors. We can stay hidden when taking the offensive.

We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our own faults

7) We impart guilt to others to justify standing up for ourselves and declare superiority even though our words or our actions may be harmful.

We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others

8) Our drugs are other people; our own reactions provide internal hits of guilt, shame and blame that we use to continue our addiction to excitement.

We become addicted to excitement

9) We can create pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization and then run to its rescue.

We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people who we can pity" and "rescue"

10) We cannot recognize our true feelings or the true feelings of others so we deny that we are wrong. We use angry tears that hurt and confuse.

We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial)

11) We judge others harshly and instill a sense of fear in those around us.

We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem

12) We come to think of others as part of ourselves and we cannot tolerate their separation or independence. Our parental wounds are unhealed and we will do anything to mask the true nature of letting go and the painful abandonment feelings brought forth.

We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us

13) Our lack of drink or addiction can be a diversion. We pass trauma undetected.

Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of the disease even though we did not pick up the drink

14) Covert victimizers can act/abuse openly and often get away with it.

Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors

Don C. 3/25/08

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Programming Forgiveness

Certainly many of the messages we learned as youngsters become so ingrained in us they are part of our subconscious belief systems. After so long, we may be scarcely aware of them and how they affect us.

Behaviorists indicate that for every one input of positive messaging there are up to 100 bits of negative! Overcoming all that negative input can be quite a challenge.

Dr. Eldon Taylor is considered one of the foremost authorities on subconscious motivation. The patented and scientifically proven technology he developed is called "InnerTalk". He was a recent guest on Coast To Coast AM with George Noory and offered his special CD/MP3 called “Forgiving and Letting Go“ for free!

According to Dr. Taylor's website, Whole Brain® InnerTalk® audio and video programs feature pleasant, easy-listening music or nature sounds that are specially mixed with positive background affirmations on the chosen self-help topic.

The positive messages on an Innertalk tape eventually overtake the negative information contained in the subconscious. They literally rescript our own inner talk thereby priming positive self beliefs which begin the cycle of self fulfilling prophecies. When this happens the subliminal beliefs that formerly were self limiting begin to change. As they change....so do we!

InnerTalk® audio programs are extremely easy to use. They are played in the background on any music player while the user is working, driving, relaxing, reading, playing sports, even sleeping or watching TV. They can also be used while jogging, bike riding or any other activity. No conscious thought or effort is required to produce dramatic, positive and automatic results.

InnerTalk® programs may appear to work like magic, but they're based on new scientific discoveries about how we learn and process information - and how this affects our everyday life.

"I tried to create programs that would end cognitive distortion (negative/unrealistic self-talk.) These programs would systematically engineer thought modification statements that would result in overwriting the negative by priming powerful, positive thoughts." - Eldon Taylor

Taylor says that research shows that we'll live healthier if we release the anger, guilt, shame and fear that is healed by forgiveness. Forgiveness ends the fear/anger cycle.

This CD or MP3 download is free for the asking. To benefit fully, use the products at least one hour per day for 30 days.


Free Forgiveness CD

Free Forgiveness MP3 Download

There is no cost but some personal information is requested to facilitate making the recording available to you.

http://www.innertalk.com/mp3/CD147MUForgiving.mp3

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children