Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Thanks to "Sparky" for contributing this and bringing it back out into the light. The original Laundry List traits are below the "Closet" traits:
The Closet Laundry List
(14 Traits of a Loving Abuser)
These are characteristics we seem to have in common due to being brought up in an alcoholic/ dysfunctional household and taking the covert victimizer role; that is, one who uses a victim position to justify imposing their will upon others or to exercise control and gain power.
1) We fear the spontaneous, authentic child and can isolate through alienation.
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures
2) We demand compliance as a form of approval (love) and we lose emotional connection (trust) as a result.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process
3) The healthy protesting child frightens us and personal criticism brings fear of punishment, so we learn to retaliate.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism
4) We repeat patterns of compulsive abandonment, creating and reacting to false dependencies over and over again.
We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs
5) We take the victim position; from here we can attack safely. We can hide among true victims who are often recipients of our traumatic actions.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships
6) We shift focus to others; we try to help them but we also hurt them as we pass para-alcoholic behaviors. We can stay hidden when taking the offensive.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our own faults
7) We impart guilt to others to justify standing up for ourselves and declare superiority even though our words or our actions may be harmful.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others
8) Our drugs are other people; our own reactions provide internal hits of guilt, shame and blame that we use to continue our addiction to excitement.
We become addicted to excitement
9) We can create pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization and then run to its rescue.
We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people who we can pity" and "rescue"
10) We cannot recognize our true feelings or the true feelings of others so we deny that we are wrong. We use angry tears that hurt and confuse.
We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial)
11) We judge others harshly and instill a sense of fear in those around us.
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem
12) We come to think of others as part of ourselves and we cannot tolerate their separation or independence. Our parental wounds are unhealed and we will do anything to mask the true nature of letting go and the painful abandonment feelings brought forth.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us
13) Our lack of drink or addiction can be a diversion. We pass trauma undetected.
Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of the disease even though we did not pick up the drink
14) Covert victimizers can act/abuse openly and often get away with it.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors
Don C. 3/25/08
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children