How Judgement Keeps You From Healing

 John Bradshaw On Healing The Inner Child

Remember the story of Adam and Eve? Legend has it they they gained wisdom from eating forbidden fruit. But what I think they really got was the insidious and pervasive "disease" of judgement.

Once they learned judgement they could blame and in turn, feel blame and shame for being "wrong". They felt naked and exposed. Their self judgement made them feel like they were no longer "good enough". They wanted to hide and isolate.

This same phenomenon is what happens in ACA families. We learn to judge, diminish and reject ourselves and others. We receive judgement, often as modeled by our caretakers. And we judge ourselves for "causing" the problems in our families and not being good enough to make everything ok. It is the only way we feel some kind of control in our chaotic homes. We believe that if everything is our fault we then have the power to fix it.

We then grow up to propagate this behavior. Judging becomes second nature to the point where many people don't even realize the extent and frequency with which they do it. Reality TV for example, is full of people judging, feeling judged, conflict and argument. And not a lot of healthy interaction. Lots of people accept this as "normal" because they know no alternative. The Judgement that is supposed to make you feel righteous, safe and invulnerable only serves to separate and isolate. There is no winner here.


"A Child Has A Right To Unconditional Love."- John Bradshaw


Perhaps the biggest challenge to Adult Children Of Dysfunctional Families is learning to be free of judgement. This means "unlearning" that early training that was ingrained in us. Not an easy task but doable.

The difficult part is that the antidote for the disease of judgement is self acceptance, empathy and compassion. These are things many of us did NOT have lots of parental modeling on. Many people struggle to express self love and are even uncomfortable thinking about it. That is a clue that your Judgement Mechanism is still hard at work!

It starts with learning to love your inner child. This is what I believe "reparenting" is- NOT more judgement and beating ourselves up. That's what immature parents do. Self nurturing, as unnatural as it may feel at the beginning, is the way out of the judgement trap that keeps people stuck.

Your inner child is always with you. You can dialogue and express care with him or her anytime. Simply asking your child "How are you doing? Are you feeling ok?" is an easy way to show empathy. You may feel the little one inside perk up when you pay them attention.

Some people keep a picture of themselves as a child in a prominent place or in their wallets and look at it often. Some even speak to their picture and tell it how special they are. Sound silly? So what? Remember, your inner "Judger" will go to any lengths to keep you from healing. It will likely ridicule your initial attempts at self nurturing and tell you it's a stupid idea. And THAT is a key that you are on the right track!

When your "Judger" tells you to do something or feel a certain way, try doing the opposite as an experiment. You may be surprised to discover alternative choices you never realized. And you may experience a feeling of freedom that reminds you of how a beautiful child feels.

The road to recovery is a long one. You may not have overnight success and there may be setbacks along the way. But you can make a difference just by trying something new today.




Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Videos From ACOAs

Some recent, bravely revealing "shares" from adult children of alcoholics/dysfunctional parents on Youtube. These people chose not to remain anonymous and post these videos for the world to see, in the hopes they can be of help to others.

Thanos




Katie




Phillip






Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

That Was Easy!

Have you ever met a "Decider"? A Decider is a person that makes choices so quickly and effortlessly you wonder how they do it.

I had a friend, Brian, who would walk into a car dealership and commit to buying a new vehicle within minutes. To him, it was not a spur of the moment or impulsive thing. He simply had the ability to surmise his options and make the right choice for himself very quickly with serenity and calm conviction.

He lived his entire life that way, making both big and small decisions as if he was deciding what to have for lunch. Brian was always intelligent, thoughtful and had tons of common sense. He was a wonderful source of advice on practically any issue. I am still amazed by his "gift".

Conversely, one of the common themes of many ACAers is difficulty in making decisions. This makes a complicated task requiring consistent focus and multiple steps quite daunting. No wonder we "Have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end."

My friend Brian's behavior inspired me to make my own decision making more efficient. First, I had to examine the process I had been using to make decisions. I found that I have allowed fear and negative emotions to cloud my ability.

"Judge themselves without mercy."

I know in my own life it is the fear of making a mistake that paralyzes me and freezes my ability to act. If I can't be sure it is the perfect decision, I am often not willing to make it. Have I considered all the options and ramifications? What if I regret my choice?

In reality, the "perfect" choice rarely presents itself. And the obsession with being perfect and wanting desperately not to ruffle other's feathers often makes choosing a painstaking task. I know if I fall short I am subject to "Judging myself without mercy."

Sometimes to avoid taking the risk of making a choice- I procrastinate. I tell myself I'll decide later after I gather more info. Then I promptly forget about the issue until it is "crunch" time or until it is too late. While waiting for some divine signal to guide me, opportunities have passed and deadlines have expired. Often with accompanying penalties. Then I am worse off than if I had just made an arbitrary choice and gone with it.

I am now much more aware of this game I play. When I catch myself doing it, I try to "reparent myself with gentleness, humor, love and respect". I remind myself that there are no perfect decisions. I come to grips with the fact that sometimes NOT making a decision is the worst decision of all.

"Lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternate behaviors or possible consequences. "

I've heard it said that successful people make important decisions quickly and easily. When I first heard it, this axiom was a real challenge to my way of thinking- I have actually waxed and waned tediously over what kind of toothpaste to buy. But after a while it made more sense to me.

Once a decision is made, action is initiated and the task at hand is that much closer to being accomplished. And one's mind is then free to respond to what's happening in the here and now. Fearful procrastinating only enables avoiding living in the present. Sometimes making ANY decision is better than none. And I have the power to make decisions work for me.

My logic tells me that most decisions are not that critical and that I can create a positive outcome out of nearly any path I choose. When I catch myself agonizing over some small thing, I remind myself that, in reality, it hardly matters. The worst outcome could not possibly match the level of anxiety I am attaching to it. When I realize this, it frees me to actually have fun with decision making and take a risk. I know I can make the best out of it no matter what.

I give myself the freedom to be wrong, make mistakes and even learn from them. If I mess up, so what? I made that decision promptly with the information I had at the time. And saved myself the grief of prolonged struggling over it.

Staying in practice helps on bigger issues. If I need to, I do a "gut check". This usually involves being still, having silence and relaxation. By not letting fear overwhelm the part of me that already knows the answer, I free myself to make a fitting choice.

I may not surpass Brian's ability to instantly see things with crystal clarity but I have seen positive results after committing to improve my own decision making capacities.

Thanks for listening,

Craig


Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Can You Change Dysfunction?

Little Miss Sunshine

Excerpts from http://www.couns.uiuc.edu/brochures/dysfunct.htm

Resulting Problems

Abuse and neglect inhibit the development of children's trust in the world, in others, and in themselves. Later as adults, these people may find it difficult to trust the behaviors and words of others, their own judgements and actions, or their own senses of selfworth. Not surprisingly, they may experience problems in their academic work, their relationships, and in their very identities.

Making Changes

Sometimes we continue in our roles because we are waiting for our parents to give us "permission"; to change. But that permission can come only from you. Like most people, parents in dysfunctional families often feel threatened by changes in their children. As a result, they may thwart your efforts to change and insist that you "change back." That's why it's so important for you to trust your own perceptions and feelings. Change begins with you. Some specific things you can do include:

Identify painful or difficult experiences that happened during your childhood. Make a list of your behaviors, beliefs, etc. that you would like to change. Next to each item on the list, write down the behavior, belief, etc. that you would like to do/have instead. Pick one item on your list and begin practicing the alternate behavior or belief. Choose the easiest item first.
Once you are able to do the alternate behavior more often than the original, pick another item on the list and practice changing it, too. In addition to working on your own, you might find it helpful to work with a group of people with similar experiences and/or with a professional counselor.

Special Considerations

As you make changes, keep in mind the following:

Stop trying to be perfect. In addition, don't try to make your family perfect. Realize that you are not in control of other people's lives. You do not have the power to make others change. Don't try to win the old struggles - you can't win. Set clear limits - e.g., if you do not plan on visiting your parents for a holiday, say "no," not "be." Identify what you would like to have happen. Recognize that when you stop behaving the way you used to, even for a short time, there may be adverse reactions from your family or friends. Anticipate what the reactions will be (e.g., tears, yelling, other intimidating responses) and decide how you will respond.

Final Note

Don't become discouraged if you find yourself slipping back into old patterns of behavior. Changes may be slow and gradual; however, as you continue to practice new and healthier behaviors, they will begin to become part of your day to day living.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

H.A.L.T. In The Name Of Serenity!

H.A.L.T.

H.A.L.T. indicates that you need to stop and take care of yourself when you get Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Being too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, are conditions that leave us more vulnerable to the temptations that lead us away from our program of recovery. Part of recovery is learning to pay attention to these inner signals and practice appropriate ways to meet our needs and resolve issues in a manner that will enhance our serenity.

When HUNGRY, you not only need enough food, but the right kinds of foods. Although food comes immediately to mind, there are many other things for which we can “hunger.” We all need a sense of worth, connection to others and to something bigger than ourselves, appreciation, and many others. Miss out on some of these basic emotional needs for very long and we can end up sad or depressed.

When ANGRY, stop and deal with it using your recovery tools. Pray. Get some exercise and fresh air. Talk to a sponsor, counselor or trusted recovery friend. Remember that your serenity, not your ego, is the important thing. I get angry, you get angry, we all get angry. No problem there. The problem comes when anger is our most common emotion and our first response to most situations. Recent research has demonstrated that constant anger is not only not good for you, it can kill you. Pay attention to and deal with the emotions that anger typically grows out of: fear, frustration, hurt.

LONELY - In spite of all the modern ways we have to communicate with each other, we still live in a culture where it is incredibly easy to become isolated. Most people don’t know the names of their neighbors on either side or across the street. I know of people who are “just too busy” to spend the time to connect with other people. These folks are way too busy for their own good. Take the time to connect and stay connected to others. Walk next door and introduce yourself. Call an old friend you have not spoken with in a while. Stay connected.

TIRED - Vince Lombardi said “Fatigue makes cowards of us all.” It’s not that most people don’t have the time to rest, it’s that most people have actually forgotten how. When it comes to the ultimate form of rest, sleeping, when was the last time you got the recommended 8 - 10 hours? In addition to getting enough sleep, schedule time to rest. Put it in your appointment book, and protect it and keep it like you would any other important appointment.

When you find yourself in H.A.L.T. mode, refrain from making important decisions until you have taken time for yourself and are in a better frame of mind. It may be helpful to attend a 12-Step meeting, phone someone in recovery or be of good service to someone. Sometimes the onset of anxiety or a sudden drop in mood can be traced to our having forgotten to eat so our blood sugar levels are off kilter. Sometimes we may be carrying a resentment, or feeling lonely, or we are just too tired.

Taking a little time out from our busy day to ask ourselves if we are feeling too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, gets us in touch with our feelings. When we know what we are feeling we can make choices and take the appropriate action to get our needs for food, companionship, or rest, met.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

What's Your Emotional IQ?

From http://alternativebroadcasting.org/archives/2007/08/20/emotional-intelligence-and-acas-adult-children-of-alcoholics/

Emotional Intelligence and ACAs (Adult Children of Alcoholics)

August 20th, 2007

Everyone in the alcoholic’s family suffers effects from the
disease. Typically everyone involved in the life of the
alcoholic and dysfunctional family has low or no emotional
intelligence. They don’t know what they think or feel, and don’t
think they have a right to. Many of the challenges facing Adult
Children of Alcoholics (ACAs) can be addressed by developing
Emotional Intelligence. Here are some examples.

[Source: Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization
(http://www.adultchildren.org )

1. ACAs tend to over-react to anger and criticism, and are
afraid of authority figures.

EQ COMPETENCY: Constructive discontent.

If you’re an ACA and someone gets angry at you, you shrink
inside and shut down or panic, reacting in a way that isn’t
always appropriate to the actual real-life situation. Learning
constructive ways to deal with the emotions engendered by
disagreement and criticism are part of EQ.

Emotional Intelligence means not taking constructive criticism
personally and emotionally, but getting the message and
benefiting from it. Experiencing fear and anger, strong emotions
designed for survival, can’t be controlled, but we always have a
choice in how we respond to them.

2. ACAs often feel isolated and lonely and uneasy with other
people.

EQ COMPETENCY: Interpersonal skills, Emotional Expression and
Communication.

Isolation is one of the worst things we can do to ourselves. To
live in emotional isolation can be worse on our health than such
things as smoking and being overweight. Learning to communicate
well, and express feelings appropriately is part of the EQ
experience.

3. ACAs feel like victims when something bad happens to them.

EQ COMPETENCY: Personal Power.

Personal Power is the opposite of victim-ology. Instead of
asking “Who will take care of me?” you learn to ask, “How will I
take care of myself?” It means building confidence in your
ability to handle your life and believing that you can do it.

4. ACAs are often uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. They’re
afraid to reveal their feelings and who they are, and reluctant
to become vulnerable.

EQ COMPETENCY: Emotional Expression.

The first step in EQ is self-awareness; to become aware of your
feelings. Only then can you learn how to express them accurately
and appropriately.

5. ACAs tend to confuse pity with love, and to be more concerned
about others than they are about themselves.

EQ COMPETENCY: Interpersonal skills, Empathy.

Healthy Empathy means being able to understand where the other
person is coming from, but with respect for one’s own
boundaries. You can understand how the other person feels, but
not have to join them in the feeling. Empathy does not involve
the feeling of pity.

6. ACAs judge themselves harshly and are over-responsible. Often
they are perfectionists.

EQ COMPETENCY: Being adamantly and relentlessly self-forgiving.

Understanding that we’re human, and that we all make mistakes is
what this is all about. It takes a lot of practice for most of
us to ‘get’ this competency. It involves self-talk and learned
optimism, and managing the emotions of failures, losses,
rejections and mistakes. It isn’t good for your health, your
work, or your relationships to be a perfectionist!

7. ACAs have difficulty in identifying, understanding, and
expressing their feelings.

EQ COMPETENCY: EQ!

The cornerstone of Emotional Intelligence is self-awareness –
being able to identify and understand your feelings. If you
lived in an environment where feelings were not welcome,
denigrated, mocked, punished, ignored, denied, or lied about, it
will take some practice to be able to bring them up, identify
them, and understand them. That’s what EQ coaching is all about!

8. ACAs over-value the approval of others, and will ignore their
own values, preferences and beliefs in deference to others’.
Feeling vulnerable, they protect themselves by being overly
anxious to please others.

EQ COMPETENCY: Integrated Self, Personal Power and
Intentionality.

These competencies help us stay centered, and act with intent,
based on our own values, preferences, feelings, thoughts, and
beliefs. When we own and claim our Personal Power, we can aim to
get along with others with good will, but are no longer driven
to please someone else at our own expense.

9. ACAs tend to be addicted to excitement. They are risk seekers
who prefer constant upset to workable solutions.

EQ COMPETENCY: Understanding, accepting and processing emotions,
operating with Intentionality, and often being able eventually
to modulate emotions.

EQ means learning where emotions come from and how they operate
and being able to make choices instead of knee jerk reactions.
We learn the different ‘feel’ or emotions from the reptilian
brain and the limbic brain, and when and how to blend this with
the thinking brain, the neocortex. Understanding where the need
for excitement comes from allows us to manage it, and avoid
chaotic situations that self-sabotage. EQ is all about workable
solutions and how to achieve them.

10. ACAs are imprisoned by childhood reactions.

EQ COMPETENCY: Emotional Intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence means understanding where emotions come
from, and being able to experience them, consider them, learn
from them, and then make a decision to respond (or not), instead
of reacting without thinking. Developing your Emotional
Intelligence will help you avoid being entrapped in any
unrealistic, rash or un-reasoned reaction.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Can I Be Normal?

from http://alcoholselfhelpnews.wordpress.com/2007/09/22/adult-children-of-alcoholics-can-practice-being-normal/

Adult children of alcoholics can practice ‘being normal’

“Sometimes I feel like I was raised by wolves,” sighed James, a 55-year-old man who grew up in a home with two alcoholic parents. “I’ve gone through so much of my life guessing at what ‘normal’ is. It’s like trying to find your way through a dark woods without a compass.”

According to Rosemary Hartman, supervisor of the Hazelden Family Program in Center City, Minn., reactions like James’ are typical for people who grew up in dysfunctional families. But acknowledging that there were issues that deeply affected the whole family system is an important first step toward emotional and spiritual healing.

Hartman said this acknowledgment frequently happens when adults have their own children. “They want to be good parents, but struggle with how to do it. They have some notions that are guided by principles in culture that sound good, but they don’t know how to practice them because they had no role models.”

Often, children raised in alcoholic families learn the “four Ds” early on:

Don’t talk about what is really going on.
Don’t trust anyone but yourself.
Don’t feel or have needs because there is no one available to validate or respond to you.
Deny there is a problem.

Because they don’t know what “normal” is, they may constantly seek approval or affirmation. What might be considered overachieving by others might seem routine to children of alcoholics who learned to try to be perfect so they wouldn’t disrupt things or incur the wrath of the alcoholic.

Children in such a system may also have trouble identifying or expressing their feelings. In their homes it may not have been okay to cry or be angry. Sentiments crucial to a child like “I’m sorry,” or even “I love you,” might have been absent or not authentic, delivered without an emotional foundation or behaviors consistent with such statements.

There is a saying in Twelve Step mutual-help groups that “We’re only as sick as our secrets,” but breaking the pattern of secrecy or the no-talk rules that may have existed in a family can be difficult. “It’s only been within the last 25-30 years that people began to talk about these things,” explained Hartman. “For persons with older parents, there was such a lack of understanding of addiction as an illness. It was considered a moral issue, and people with addictions were viewed as weak—as bad parents, people or spouses.”

It’s important to understand, said Hartman, that acknowledging the reality of an alcoholic family is not about blame. It’s about understanding the disease of alcoholism and the dire effects it can have on a family, then taking responsibility for your own behavior once you’ve gained the tools with which to live a healthy and balanced life.

An Al-Anon-affiliated group for adult children is an excellent place to start, said Hartman. “Part of the problem with growing up in an alcoholic family system is there aren’t consistent principles and values,” she said. “The Twelve Steps offer a set of principles by which we can live that are in line with every belief system.”

A Twelve Step group also provides a safe place where people can check things out to see if their responses, reactions and feelings are appropriate. In other words, it’s a great place to practice “being normal,” ask for help, and receive support and validation.

Hartman said that people on a journey of healing typically go through a grief process, encountering emotions like denial, anger and fear along the way. There is often grief surrounding the loss of the myth of family and the loss of a happy childhood. The goal, she said, is to learn about addiction, develop new coping mechanisms, let go of resentment or judgment, and ultimately move to a place of compassion and kindness towards others.

Hartman cautions adult children to approach recovery “slowly and quietly,” and to concentrate on themselves. “This is your own personal journey and it may be threatening to family members who still view alcoholism as a moral failing or who feel you are being disloyal by telling family secrets. You can’t take others along, but you can demonstrate positive changes. We can’t rewrite history, but we can take steps today to make sure that history doesn’t repeat itself.”

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

The Meaning Of Life

excerpts from "The Meaning Of Life"

http://www.suzannegold.com/

If you're confused about what you want or how to get it, perhaps you weren't given the chance to discover your own talents and passions.

If your relationships fail and you don't understand why, you may be acting out early patterning that doesn't work any more.

If you're trapped in situations that drain your energy, someone may have convinced you long ago that you're unworthy of better.

If you give in to people you can't stand and fear people you admire, you've probably adopted those attitudes to be sure you didn't offend someone important to you.

If you're overwhelmed by emotions that sometimes make you afraid to act, it's likely you didn't get the recognition you needed as a child to build self-confidence.

If any of this sounds familiar, take heart in knowing that you are not alone. Whether you ask mental health professionals or everyday people, most estimate that over 90% of American families are passing along generations of dysfunctional habits and attitudes that distort personal, social and political life.

The good news is that you are a spirit on a physical journey, and what happens in your life is guided by Spirit to bring you the circumstances you need to learn the lessons you came here for. Surviving a dysfunctional family means setting yourself free from the negative influences in your past so you can build a life you love. You are not a victim of your upbringing. Past circumstances don't necessarily doom you to failure. Although a dysfunctional past can crush your self-esteem and ruin your relationships, the distortion of your instincts can be reversed.

Life on earth is a miraculous blend of spirit and matter, an expression of the universal life force at the heart of creation. Whatever you call that force --God, All-That-Is, the Eternal, the Prime Mover, the Ground of Being, Allah, Yahweh, Shiva, Zeus, or an name you invent yourself--you and me and every living thing that ever was or will be is part of this infinite incomprehensible universe, like a cell in the body of God that has crystallized into your physical form to use its creative power to express your talents and abilities, and show you who you really are and how to make the most of your life.

Beneath your everyday awareness is a wiser, clearer you--what you might call your essence or soul. Your experience of yourself is based on the interaction between those two states of being--the internal and the external.

Either you allow Spirit to flow through you or you get in the way of its flow. When you're out of touch with your true nature, you feel small, separate, and lonely. Being comfortable in your own skin starts with accepting yourself as you are--a spiritual being who is in every moment, every situation, every flash of genius and every stupid blunder, unfolding and expanding far beyond your understanding.

Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings. Use them as signposts to help you set your own course, and be willing to make corrections if you find you've strayed from your natural progression. Beneath your surface are the vision, strength, compassion, and love that are your birthright. Approaching difficulties as opportunities to find your highest potential promotes healing by helping you locate a deeper reality, which permanently changes your perspective and deepens your capacity to love and learn in even the most difficult circumstances.

But by adopting behavior and attitudes to get along with the people closest to us, our natural inclinations become distorted. If instead of being nurtured and supported, we're ridiculed, ignored or abused, we feel afraid, cynical, or depressed. We become focused on doing whatever will stop the pain. We divert all our energy into figuring out how to protect ourselves emotionally and get our basic needs met, doing things we don't want to do but can't stop. We forget there was ever anything we liked or wanted in life, that we have innate talents and interests that are fun to explore and express. Instead we end up mimicking or rebelling against the patterns passed along to us.

Yet this is not an excuse to blame your family for wrecking your life, even if you believe that to be the case. In difficult situations, it's easy to lose touch with your original intention. Repressing your natural instincts for the sake of superficial harmony is the basis for most interactions in what we think of as polite society.

But as soon as you try to show that you love someone by pretending to be what they want you to be, the trouble begins. Cutting and pasting your behavior or beliefs to suit others is unnatural. Your authentic expression can't find an appropriate outlet, so it squeezes itself into an available alternative whether it fits or not. Even the most noble or worthy substitute can never be as satisfying as the original objective. It feels false, and is often physically painful. Your significant others may feel better temporarily, and you may look like you fit in, but keeping up an artificial front creates a split between your behavior and your experience which makes you feel desperate and worthless.

Peace of mind and well-being come from putting your faith in yourself rather than convention or history. Simply acknowleging your own truth heals you. Deep within, you are powerful. You didn't come here to find and problem and fix it. You came to identify and share your gifts. You are good. You are free to do what you want with your life. You are valuable. All is well.

Clearing your stumbling blocks and building your dreams go hand in hand. If you neglect either side, you're destined to relive your unworkable patterns over and over. The longer you ignore their call to action, the more strongly they demand your attention. You feel more pain and your circumstances get worse. Either you face your limitations and act in alignment with what feels right to you, or you blow off steam in ever worsening self-destructive and anti-social behaviors.

Whose life works perfectly, with nothing arising to disturb them? Having personal problems is universal, an essential part of human development. If we had no difficulties to negotiate, how would we learn anything? What we call "mistakes" are not necessarily failures. They can bring great insight.

Buddha's first noble turth is that life is suffering. This is not a statement of hopelessness, but a starting point for understanding how life works. Even the most trying circumstances can help us to release dysfunctional patterns and find our true direction. Experience is the greatest teacher, whether we label any particular situation as good or bad.

Seeing your distortions is the first step to clearing them up. Your reactions to the people and situations that either attract or repel you shape what happens with them. Through inspiration or frustration, they help you clarify your dreams and passions. The things that push your buttons provide clues to what keeps you from having what you want, highlight the areas where you have the most to learn, and give you the impetus to find the mess still left inside and transform it.

Don't be afraid of your emotions, even the so-called "negative" ones. Anger, grief, envy and the like are simply energy that needs to be examined to uncover the truth and good intentions beneath the situation that triggered them. This doesn't mean you have license to indulge your dark side or inflict your moods on others, which are both ways to avoid your true emotions. Instead, go into and beyond them to find the treasure hidden there.

When you examine the tangles in your mind that limit you, you dismantle them. Meeting the challenges within your problems and recognizing your buried emotions and unconscious obstacles frees up your energy to find more satisfying ways to live. Only when you bring your inner life to light can you come to terms with and transform it.

To do this, set aside ten or twenty minutes a day, go to a private place and sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Breathe slowly and deeply. Think of your inhale as bringing in peace and relaxation, and the exhale as releasing tension and distortion. Notice what you think and feel. Allow emotions to arise and pass through you like clouds across the sky, then let them go. Picture yourself healing, and imagine your fondest dreams coming true. When you feel complete, jot down anything you want to remember, then get up and go on with your day.

To have happiness, peace of mind, and well-being, put your faith in what lights you up rather than in conventional beliefs or history. Recognize your dreams and best intentions as a message from God, and take action to make them real. Simply paying attention to your own truth helps you awaken to the reality of spirit, and glimpse the meaning in your own life. Then you begin to see others' lives as meaningful, which enables you to forgive and tolerate difference and difficulty. Being willing to investigate your stuck places can revolutionize your life and society as your transformation reverberates in those around you, making the world a better place one heart at a time.

---

Suzanne Gold has a Master's Degree in psychology, a Credential of Ministry from the Universal Life Church and has studied and practiced spiritual techniques and principles from around the world.


Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

ACA Bill Of Rights

I have a right to all those good times that I have longed for all these years and didn't get.

I have a right to joy in this life, right here, right now- not just a momentary rush of euphoria, but something more substantive.

I have a right to relax and have fun in a non-alcoholic and non-destructive way.

I have the right to actively pursue people, places, and situations that will help me in achieving a good life.

I have a right to say no whenever I feel something is not safe or I am not ready.

I have a right to not participate in either the active or passive "crazy-making" behavior of parents, siblings, or others.

I have a right to take calculated risks and to experiment with new strategies.

I have a right to change my tune, my strategy, and my funny equations.

I have a right to "mess up", to make mistakes, to "blow it", to disappoint myself, and to fall short of the mark.

I have a right to leave the company of people who deliberately or inadvertently put me down, lay a guilt trip on me, manipulate or humiliate me, including my alcoholic parent, my nonalcoholic parent, or any other member of my family.

I have a right to put an end to conversations with people who make me feel put down and humiliated.

I have a right to all my feelings.

I have a right to trust my feelings, my judgment, my hunches, my intuition.

I have a right to develop myself as a whole person, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, sexually, and psychologically.

I have a right to express my feelings in a non-destructive way and at a safe time and place.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Ritalin Use Doubles After Divorce

http://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idUSN0448006120070604

June 4, 2007

By Scott Anderson

TORONTO (Reuters) - Children from broken marriages are twice as likely to be prescribed attention-deficit drugs as children whose parents stay together, a Canadian researcher said on Monday, and she said the reasons should be investigated.

More than 6 percent of 633 children from divorced families were prescribed Ritalin, compared with 3.3 percent of children whose parents stayed together, University of Alberta professor Lisa Strohschein reported in the Canadian Medical Association Journal.

The study of more than 4,700 children started in 1994, while all the families were intact, Strohschein said. They followed the children's progress to see what happened to their families and to see what drugs were prescribed.

"It shows clearly that divorce is a risk factor for kids to be prescribed Ritalin," Strohschein said.

Other studies have shown that children of single parents are more likely to get prescribed drugs such as Ritalin. But is the problem caused by being born to a never-married mother, or some other factor?

"So the question was, 'is it possible that divorce acts a stressful life event that creates adjustment problems for children, which might increase acting out behavior, leading to a prescription for Ritalin?'" Strohschein said in a statement.

"On the other hand, there is also the very public perception that divorce is always bad for kids and so when children of divorce come to the attention of the health-care system -- possibly because parents anticipate their child must be going through adjustment problems -- doctors may be more likely to diagnose a problem and prescribe Ritalin."

Ritalin, known generically as methylphenidate, is a psychostimulant drug most commonly prescribed for the treatment of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder in children.

There is a big debate in much of the developed world over whether it may be over-prescribed -- given to children who do not really need it. In March, a University of California, Berkeley study found that the use of drugs to treat ADHD has more than tripled worldwide since 1993.

Strohschein said it is possible that some mental health problems pre-date the divorce, so "it is possible that these kids had these problems before, but are only being identified afterward."

Her study was not designed to find out why the children were prescribed the drug.

"I might be finished with the survey, but I am not necessarily finished with the question," she said in a telephone interview.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Head VS Heart

This weeks post is from a fellow ACAer who volunteered to share her story:

Coming from a family of dysfunctional people and a parent that drank and left me when she was drunk, abandonment is my biggest fear. I fear that people will not like me so I do anything possible to make sure that will not happen. Then I feel angry that those same people when they do not pay me back in kind.

Now I understand why "people pleasing" is so harmful because utimately, it makes the one doing it angry. Possibly that is the reason some people say... "I will never help or trust again," or worse, isolate. For me, people pleasing is a set up for a hurt heart.

Why can't the head and heart cooperate?

I think there is an answer to the head and heart problem when it comes to people pleasing. I do not want to be abandoned, so I kiss up to people, which is my head talking. My head is the part of me that remembers past events and how the heart felt when it was abandonded. I contend our heart has no memory of abandonment so herein is the problem. After I have interacted with a person I do not want to lose, I kiss up (people please, brown nose, whatever you want to call it). My head says I am doing a good thing because I am preventing hurt to the heart.

The hurt here is what the heart felt during abandonment as a child. The heart has no idea why it is hurting, just that it has been told by the head that it should hurt.

If I could circumvent the connection from the head to the heart by having no expectations and only doing something for someone because I wanted to do it, that would let me do things for others and protect my heart from hurt if they did not repay me in kind. Yep...that seems to work for me!

It is amazing that I read the Bible and heard this all before but did not internalize it. I thank the good LORD for leading me to ACA. ACA helped my head understand so it can stop telling my heart to be scared or hurt. For that I thank you GOD, ACA and all those who have helped me on the path of healing.

Look up, things are going to be better when you know the truth! Hang in there little hearts, your heads are going to get better!

Hugs and joy,

D

Thank You for sharing, D!

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Can You Change Your Future?

Reprinted from The Daily Encounter http://www.actsweb.org/

Don't Let Your Past Dictate Your Future

It is true that our lives are significantly shaped during our early formative years and many of our character issues formed then are with us for the rest of our lives.

What if we grew up in a home that was less than wholesome or where we may have been emotionally abused if not physically abused? It's interesting to note that where I live physical and sexual abuse of a child is justifiably considered a crime and is punishable by law with the likelihood of being sentenced to time in jail.

Furthermore, if the abuse is by a parent, the child is often removed from his or her custody. Tragically, emotional abuse is not even considered a crime and, depending on the intensity, can be just as, or even more, psychologically damaging as physical or sexual abuse.

As an adult, overcoming the effects of childhood abuse and love deprivation is possible but it can be very challenging. Speaking personally, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and because I felt unloved and rejected, especially by my father, for many years I felt extremely insecure and felt that I was ugly and unlovable. True, I was not responsible for my upbringing, but as an adult I realized that I was responsible for overcoming my less than wholesome background.

Besides having a lot of therapy, one of many significant things I did to resolve the effects of my impaired relationship with my father was to go to his gravesite and in my imagination I "talked to him" as if he were there with me. I said, "Dad, if you were still alive today what advice would you have for me?" The answer that came to my mind was, "Don't let your past control your future."

Good advice. True, I may have been a victim in the past but if I chose to remain a victim I would have become a willing volunteer.

For healthy living and loving relationships it is imperative that we resolve all our past impaired relationships and forgive all who have ever hurt us. We don't have to remain a victim but with God's help, and that of others where necessary, we can overcome a hurtful past and become all that God envisioned for us to be.

The choice is ours. So, whatever you do don't let your past control your future.

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Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Camp Recovery 2007

Fellow ACA-er, Randy, tells of his experience at Camp Recovery the weekend of April 27, 2007.

This past weekend I attended "Camp Recovery" located in the San Bernardino mountains at Camp De-Benneville and I wanted to share this experience with other ACA-ers. First I have to tell you that I would never have had the courage to go if it were not for the help I have received from attending the weekly meetings. The anticipation and anxiety that preceded my arrival was at times very difficult but once I arrived I found the camp to be the single, greatest event towards my recovery since I started ACA one year ago.

The people, organizers, and camp staff were the best. I have never fit into a group so quickly or felt so welcomed as I did at camp. This was a weekend full of discovery, hard work, interventions, peace, tranquility, love, faith, hope, growth, and time away from the busy world. The 12 step meetings, workshops, meditation, and the friendships that I made were so rewarding and really filled me with so much hope and joy.

Oh, did I mention the food was really, really good! I can't remember feeling so good about myself in a really long time. My fears subsided, I discovered new issues to work, and the best part is that I had so many others with the same issues where we would talk for hours. The most difficult part of camp is when we all had to say good by and return home.

I continue to use the tools that I have learned at camp as I work on my recovery. I have a renewed appreciation for myself, my family, and my friends. I highly recommend this camp and would love to see you all of you next time.

Your ACA Family Member, Randy

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Thank you Randy, for sharing your thoughts with us!

Upcoming ACA/12 Step events:

Mingus Mountain Retreat

A 12 step gathering for anyone in recovery or who would like to find out about recovery.

May 18th, 19th and 20th

www.mingusretreat.com


ACA Comedy Night

June 22, 2007 8:30 pm

Martini Blues
Huntington Beach
714-840-2129


21st Annual International ACA Convention

November 2 - 4, 2007

Lake San Marcos Resort (formerly known as the Quails Inn)
Lake San Marcos, CA (just north of San Diego, CA)

The theme for 2007 will be "The Magic of Recovery". All in recovery welcome. A wonderful week-end of fellowship and recovery featuring speakers, workshops, and meetings in the relaxing environment of the Lake San Marco's Resort. This year's theme is "The Magic of Recovery".

For more info visit the Convention website at http://www.acaconvention.org or contact info@acaconvention.org.



Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

The ACA ADD Connection Pt. 4

It’s often said that people classified as ADD are prone to be sugar and caffeine junkies. Actually, it’s so prevalent it has become a bit of a joke. Research has shown that people have natural variations in their dopamine system, the neurotransmitter system in the brain that is most often implicated in ADD.

A “risk taking gene” that may be related to the dopamine system was even identified and found to be more common in people with ADD, although many people not classified as ADD also have the gene. Such people theoretically spend much of their lives looking for a “dopamine” fix to clear their heads and feel alive. They might do this via novelty or thrill seeking, exercise, intellectual pursuits, or through artificial chemical means such as caffeine, nicotine or alcohol.

One study of nearly 2,000 twins suggested that heavy caffeine consumption is 80 percent genetic, while physical dependence on caffeine (resulting in withdrawal symptoms) was 40 percent inherited.

Marjorie Roth Leon, PhD, of National-Louis University, performed an aggregate analysis of 19 empirical studies examining the effects of caffeine on aspects of cognitive, psychomotor, and emotional functioning among children with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Traditional treatments, such as the stimulant drugs methylphenidate and amphetamine, outperformed caffeine in improving functioning and reducing levels of hyperactivity. However, says Leon, "compared to giving children with ADHD no treatment whatsoever, caffeine appears to have potential to improve their functioning in the areas of improved parent and teacher perceptions of their behavior, reduced levels of aggression, impulsiveness and hyperactivity, and improved levels of executive functioning and planning."

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Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

The ACA Program and How it Works

We find that a difference in identity and purpose distinguishes Adult Children of Alcoholics from other 12-Step Programs and underscores the need for our special focus.

The central problem for ACA's is a mistaken belief, formed in childhood, which affects every part of our lives. As children, we fought to survive the destructive effects of alcoholism, and began an endless struggle to change a troubled, dysfunctional family into a loving, supportive one. We reach adulthood believing we failed, unable to see that no one can stop the traumatic effects of family alcoholism.

Following naturally from this pervasive sense of failure are self-blames, shames and guilt. These self-accusations ultimately lead to self-hate. Accepting our basic powerlessness to control alcoholic behavior, and its effect on the family, is the key that unlocks the inner-child and lets reparenting begin. When the "First Step" is applied to the family alcoholism, a fundamental basis for self-hate no longer exists.

Two characteristics identify the ACA Program. The program is for adults raised in alcoholic homes, and although substance abuse may exist, the focus is on the self, specifically on reaching and freeing the inner-child, hidden behind a protective shield of denial.

The purpose of ACA is three-fold... to shelter and support "newcomers" in confronting "denial"; to comfort those mourning their early loss of security, trust and love; and to teach the skills for re-parenting ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect.

Moving from isolation is the first step an Adult Child makes in recovering the self. Isolation is both a prison and a sanctuary. Adult Children, suspended between need and fear, unable to choose between fight or flight, agonize in the middle and resolve the tension by explosive bursts of rebellion or silently enduring the despair. Isolation is our retreat from the pain of indecision. This retreat into denial blunts our awareness of the destructive reality of family alcoholism and is the first stage of mourning and grief. It allows us to cope with the loss of love and to survive in the face of neglect and abuse.

The return of feelings is the second stage of mourning and indicates a healing has begun. Initial feelings of anger, guilt, rage and despair resolve into a final acceptance of loss. Genuine grieving for our childhood ends our morbid fascination with the past and lets us return to the present, free to live as adults.

Confronting years of pain and loss at first seems overwhelming. Jim Goodwin, in describing the post-traumatic stress of Vietnam Veterans, writes that some veterans "actually believe that if they once again allow themselves to feel, that they may never stop crying or may completely lose control..."

Sharing the burden of grief that others feel gives us the courage and strength to face our own bereavement. The pain of mourning and grief is balanced by being able, once again, to fully love and care for someone and to freely experience joy in life.

The need to re-parent ourselves comes from our efforts to feel safe as children. The violent nature of alcoholism darkened our emotional world and left us wounded, hurt and unable to feel. This extreme alienation from our own internal direction kept us helplessly dependent on those we mistrusted and feared.

In an unstable, hostile, and often dangerous environment, we attempted to meet the impossible demands of living with family alcoholism and our lives were soon out of control. To make sense of the confusion, and to end our feelings of fear, we denied inconsistencies in what we were taught. We held rigidly to a few certain beliefs, or we rebelled and distrusted all outside interference.

Freedom begins with being open to love. The dilemma of abandonment is a choice between painful intimacy or isolation, but the consequence is the same, we protect ourselves by rejecting the vulnerable inner-child and are forced to live without warmth or love. Without love, intimacy and isolation are equally painful, empty and incomplete.

Love dissolves self-hate. We give ourselves the love we seek and embrace the lonely child inside. With a child's sensitivity we reach out to explore the world again and become aware of the need to love and trust others.

The warm affection we have for each other heals our inner hurt. ACA's loving acceptance and gentle support lessen our feelings of fear. We share our beliefs and distrust without judgment or criticism. We realize the insanity of alcoholism and become willing to replace the confusing beliefs of childhood with the clear, consistent direction of the 12-Steps and Traditions, and to accept the authority of the loving God they reflect.

ACA's relationship to other anonymous programs is shared dependence on the 12-Steps for a spiritual awakening. Each program's focus is different, but the solution remains the same.

In childhood, our identity is formed by the reflection we see in the eyes of the people around us. We fear losing that reflection... thinking the mirror makes us real and we disappear or have no self without it.

The distorted image of family alcoholism is not who we are. And we are not the unreal person trying to mask that distortion. In ACA we do not stop abusing a substance, or losing ourselves in another. We stop believing we have no worth and start to see our true identity, reflected in the eyes of other Adult Children, as the strong survivors and valuable people we actually are.

Marty S., Identity Committee
Identity, Purpose and Relationship Committee: Roger N., Chairman; Marne C., Claudia P. and Marty S., members.


1 The Etiology of Combat-Related Post Traumatic Stress Disorders, p.16, Goodwin, Jim, Psy D., DISABLED AMERICAN VETERANS, Pub,. Cincinnati.
2 Post traumatic stress is the tension of unresolved grief following the loss of fundamental security.

from: http://www.minnesotarecovery.info/aca/report1.htm

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children