Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Head VS Heart

This weeks post is from a fellow ACAer who volunteered to share her story:

Coming from a family of dysfunctional people and a parent that drank and left me when she was drunk, abandonment is my biggest fear. I fear that people will not like me so I do anything possible to make sure that will not happen. Then I feel angry that those same people when they do not pay me back in kind.

Now I understand why "people pleasing" is so harmful because utimately, it makes the one doing it angry. Possibly that is the reason some people say... "I will never help or trust again," or worse, isolate. For me, people pleasing is a set up for a hurt heart.

Why can't the head and heart cooperate?

I think there is an answer to the head and heart problem when it comes to people pleasing. I do not want to be abandoned, so I kiss up to people, which is my head talking. My head is the part of me that remembers past events and how the heart felt when it was abandonded. I contend our heart has no memory of abandonment so herein is the problem. After I have interacted with a person I do not want to lose, I kiss up (people please, brown nose, whatever you want to call it). My head says I am doing a good thing because I am preventing hurt to the heart.

The hurt here is what the heart felt during abandonment as a child. The heart has no idea why it is hurting, just that it has been told by the head that it should hurt.

If I could circumvent the connection from the head to the heart by having no expectations and only doing something for someone because I wanted to do it, that would let me do things for others and protect my heart from hurt if they did not repay me in kind. Yep...that seems to work for me!

It is amazing that I read the Bible and heard this all before but did not internalize it. I thank the good LORD for leading me to ACA. ACA helped my head understand so it can stop telling my heart to be scared or hurt. For that I thank you GOD, ACA and all those who have helped me on the path of healing.

Look up, things are going to be better when you know the truth! Hang in there little hearts, your heads are going to get better!

Hugs and joy,


Thank You for sharing, D!

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children


Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your story!

Zed said...

This blog is a real treasure - thanks for all these insights. I'm beginning to see that truth and allow myself to grieve and to be true to myself.

The Truth sets us free

Anonymous said...

thanks for your blog.As a recovering coda/acoa I have struggled with my fear of abandonment issues

Anonymous said...

Excellent article. I can totally relate- its that "stinkin thinkin" we gathered up as kids from abandoning relationship in our family of origin. When I stay aware of that by staying in a daily recovery plan I am more able to circumvent that "stinkin thinkin". But I tell ya when I dont it comes roaring back. - I look at myself like a diabetic- I need my daily insulin (program).