An Adult Child Of An Alcoholic Shares Her Story

This is from a recently published guest blogpost from Rita Malie, award-winning author of Goodbye America and Supreme Sacrifice. The post can be seen in it's entirety here: http://www.breakingthecycles.com/blog/2012/02/13/an-adult-child-of-an-alcoholic-shares-her-story/

Her book, Supreme Sacrifice, chronicles her experiences as a child of an alcoholic and her journey of forgiveness and healing.

Rita Malie says, "For children growing up in an alcoholic home, we can never truly be children. Since our parents were so consumed with their own problems, someone had to be responsible, and that someone was us. Like Janet Geringer Woititiz, author of Adult Children of Alcoholics, writes, 'The child of an alcoholic has no age.'

While it took me years to escape the shame and guilt attached to my father’s alcoholism, I hope that today’s children can use my story, and the stories of countless others, for comfort and hope. My story is just one of millions, and there is a large community of supporters ready to listen. You are not alone."

Rita's words are inspiring and if that's any indication, the book will be as well.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Beyond "Positive Thinking"

Amazing stuff from psychologist Shaun Anchor on the "science" of happiness and success. No surprise, Anchor finds that focusing on the negative is detrimental. He claims, 90% of your long term happiness is determined by your internal world, how your brain processes the outside world.

Success doesn't equal happiness. The opposite is true. Happiness creates success.

"Think positive" has become such a cliche sound byte and rally cry that it has become practically meaningless. It is often used in a failed attempt to cheer someone up but often just results in invalidating their feelings. The good news is there is a science behind building a positive thought process. There are specific steps you can take to be more happy. How?

Gratitude
Journaling
Exercise
Meditation (Step 11)
Random Acts Of Kindness

Think of three things you are grateful for. Now write them down. Tomorrow do three more.

Also journaling each day about a positive experience, exercising, meditation and practicing random acts of kindness (as simple as writing one quick positive email each day thanking someone in your social support network). This helps you relieve stress and relive positive experiences. Your brain will begin to retain the pattern of scanning the world more for it's positive attributes.

According to Anchor, it takes just 2 minutes per day for three weeks to "rewire your brain". Your energy levels will rise, you will become more productive and your creativity will increase!

http://www.ted.com/talks/shawn_achor_the_happy_secret_to_better_work.html#.TywqAubcKIw.email

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

A Higher Power

Members of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families 12 step groups often rely on a "higher power" for help. Sometimes people confuse this with with a requirement that they believe in God or follow some religious doctrine. This may be because the word "God" is sprinkled throughout the 12 Steps. "God" in this case, is an umbrella term representing a higher power that can be the universe, a deity, mother earth, nature, intention, the group itself or whatever you choose.

Step 2- "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

I think one the main points of this is to realize that there are forces OUTSIDE of ourselves that can help. Often ACAs are so isolated and resolved to fixing problems on their own, they discount the immense help that outside resources can bring. Reaching out to receive assistance may seem risky and scary.

If one had a heart dysfunction it would be foolhardy to rely on self diagnosis and treatment when there are specialists, procedures and medications available. In the same way, emotional/spiritual issues can be helped by seeking that which is beyond our limited personal capacities.

Only when we allow the possibility from help outside of ourselves can we acknowledge, accept and utilize that help when it arrives. This could be something as simple as a friend who offers assistance to something greater. Can you imagine a drowning man refusing to grab onto the life preserver that was thrown to him? You may be able to think of someone in your life that steadfastly refused the help that would have easily and simply solved a big problem for them. It's quite possible that each of us has a similar mindset on some issue(s).

It's ironic that those issues that cause the most fear and pain are often the ones that make people stubbornly resolve to fight on alone and the refuse help that could lead to resolution. Fear often leads to rigid attempts to control and deflection of offers of assistance.

Accepting help from outside means we must first admit some level of powerlessness (Step 1), realize that we are not Superman/Wonder Woman and be willing to try something new. It means that there may be a better way to resolve our issues than what we have limited ourselves to in the past. This admission is not always easy. But logic would dictate that if what we tried previously (i.e. fixing it all by ourselves) hasn't worked to our satisfaction, it may be in our best interest to expand our horizons and be willing to consider what other options and alternatives for help exist.

Accepting the assistance that an outside power may harness means we claim the intention to overcome being needlessly stuck in a cycle of failure. There is little to no downside to being open to a helping hand.

Far from being a religious dogma, this is a practical application of effective problem solving.

For those that are interested, there is even an agnostic version of The Twelve Steps.

What is your Higher Power and how does it help you?

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Boundaries

Setting and keeping good boundaries can often be difficult for adult children of alcoholics and those from dysfunctional families. Below, Dr. Henry Cloud weighs in on how boundaries help keep us safe.

Relationship Boundaries




Why Are Boundaries Important?




What's The Difference Between A Boundary And A Defense Mechanism?



Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

The Challenge Of The Past

The very cause of our problems is also the thing that often prevents us from confronting and eventually, overcoming them. This is because confronting our buried emotional past is a scary, painful thing. In fact, as children the act of denying our situation became critical to our very survival. The "amnesia" that protected us as children becomes a huge hindrance to us as adults. As a result we may live life experiencing unexplained symptoms of fear, anger, sadness and depression.

As psychologist Alice Miller puts it, "Children have no choice but suppress their fear and anger, as otherwise they could not sustain their love for their parents, and that love is crucially necessary for their survival. But these emotions, though suppressed, remain stored away in our bodies, and in adulthood they can cause symptoms of varying severity. We may suffer from bouts of depression, attacks of panic fear, or violent reactions towards our children without identifying the true causes of our despair, our fear, or our rage.

We fear those emotions as if they were our worst enemy. The pharmaceutical industry caters for these desires with a whole range of remedies - Viagra against impotence, anti-depressives to fend off the effects of depression, but without understanding the deep-seated causes underlying it."

Why is reexamining our past and getting in touch with the pain such a daunting task?

Miller believes, "Such a perspective would reestablish contact with the most vulnerable and powerless years of our lives, and that is the last thing we want to think about. We have no desire to go through that feeling of desperate impotence all over again. On no account do we want to be reminded of the atmosphere that surrounded us when we were small and were helplessly exposed to the whims and excesses of power-hungry adults... it is precisely by confronting it that we can find the key to understanding our attacks of (apparently) groundless panic, our high blood pressure, our stomach ulcers, our sleepless nights..."

Understanding and cultivating empathy for our own inner child is the path to healing. As long as the needs and feelings of the child are denied, we are condemned to continue living with dysfunction in our lives and relationships. Acknowledging and recognizing our sufferings, rather than denying them, frees us to provide our own personal support and nurturing.

A good therapist that can assist us in this process can be invaluable. Having a willing and compassionate witness to our sufferings is key. Being honest with ourselves and another trusted individual about the past, however difficult, frees us to be true to our own selves. As we progress, it will become easier to feel and recognize our own feelings as well as treat others with the same empathy we now allow ourselves.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children