Waive The White Flag!

Special thanks to Kristy for sharing her story:

A guy named Dean I met at camp came and handed out little white flags, as a symbol of surrendering, or "accepting what we cannot change." I have found it so useful to have a visual in my battle with myself, to give it up, turn it over, or otherwise make myself vulnerable. I waved it all day today, it helped. It's helping me develop a sense of humor about something I really struggle with. If all else fails, glue some white paper to the end of a stick and have fun with something historically difficult for ACA's.

I have several flags in the kitchen area in plain view to remind me to surrender my will, or decide not to get upset when I encounter a trial. I find that I need this tool when I start to feel I am losing my identity and perceive that I don't matter to others. This triggers anger for me. it is a control issue and it has to do with subconsciously trying to protect myself.

The problem is, my reaction of anger creates an unsafe environment for myself and those around me when I let it take over. Surrendering for me means I can feel the anger without letting it get out of control. I have been doing this by articulating to the appropriate person (usually my children) what the problem is and how it makes me feel. I finish by stating what I would like in the future.

The key is to STOP THERE! No more ranting and raving. I tried another method of saying nothing, but then I just held it in and exploded later. Anyway, after articulating, my anger goes away in a minute or two, and I feel like a normal person. I feel I handled a problem in a healthy way and it makes me feel good and hopeful. If my anger is triggered by a rude motorist, I have this conversation with God, and remember to have compassion on the other person, especially when they are screaming and wildly using hand gestures! I think how sad it is they are doing that to themselves (becoming a slave to anger) and remember I don't have to. It works fairly well.

I met Dean at the Fall Mountain Retreat of 07'. We haven't spoken since, but I learned of his flags a few weeks ago when he brought them to an ACA meeting, and handed out what he called, "the last 15" of several hundred that he has given away over a couple years, I believe. He still had a few left after the meeting. Maybe he will make more, I don't know. He said they are about surrendering, and accepting what we cannot change, as referenced in the serenity prayer. Just like the serenity prayer, these flags are profound yet simple.

Thanks for your interest, it is healing to have the privilege of others listening to my story. I feel as though I matter. =)

- Kristy


Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

How Do You Deal With An Abusive Mother?

How do you deal with a mother who is physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive?

How do you deal with the guilt and sadness of not being able to have any kind of relationship with your mother unless you are willing to sacrifice your well-being?

Dr. Townsend answers this difficult question (3:24):



Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

The "I" Is The Window To Your Soul!

When sharing with an individual or as part of a group, using "I" statements can make a big difference. An "I" statement is sharing in the first person as opposed to using words such as "we", "they", "us" and "you".

At first, it may seem like an insignificant detail but using third person statements is distancing and impersonal. It can even be an attempt to sub-consciously control others or place responsibility outside of oneself.

Sharing in the first person promotes self responsibility by divulging information only about yourself. When you are tempted to use the generic form of "you", "we", etc., try to catch yourself and replace it with "I".

Example:

"When you get abused, it hurts you".

Change this to:

"When I got abused, it hurt me".

You'll be surprised how different it feels and how much more you and others get out of your share. It may feel uncomfortable at first. That's because you are casting off your protective shield and revealing the real you.

Remember:

An "I" statement exercises my self control. "I" statements build my self respect while offering others a true opportunity to have a real relationship with me. Struggling with "I" statements will often reveal the hidden aspects of the issues at hand.

If you truly want to disclose your feelings so that you and others can learn more about YOU, use an "I" statement!

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

Camp Recovery 2008

Camp Recovery 2008 at Camp de Benneville Pines

"Emotions in Motion" April 25-27, 2008

Camp Recovery 2008 is a weekend of self-care where you and you inner child have the opportunity to grow, heal, play, discover reflect and work on yourselves. This year's camp features workshops, 12-step meetings, crafts, music, drumming, hiking, body movement, dancing and fellowship. All persons from ACA, CODA and similar 12-step programs are invited!

To find out more about this year's Camp Recovery, click here: Camp Recovery Info.

Camp de Benneville Pines is in the San Bernardino National Forest, about 90 miles east of Los Angeles. At an elevation of 6,800 feet and a short walk from Jenks Lake, the camp is surrounded by a forest of towering pines, cedars, and oaks.

Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children

That Was Easy!

Have you ever met a "Decider"? A Decider is a person that makes choices so quickly and effortlessly you wonder how they do it.

I had a friend, Brian, who would walk into a car dealership and commit to buying a new vehicle within minutes. To him, it was not a spur of the moment or impulsive thing. He simply had the ability to surmise his options and make the right choice for himself very quickly with serenity and calm conviction.

He lived his entire life that way, making both big and small decisions as if he was deciding what to have for lunch. Brian was always intelligent, thoughtful and had tons of common sense. He was a wonderful source of advice on practically any issue. I am still amazed by his "gift".

Conversely, one of the common themes of many ACAers is difficulty in making decisions. This makes a complicated task requiring consistent focus and multiple steps quite daunting. No wonder we "Have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end."

My friend Brian's behavior inspired me to make my own decision making more efficient. First, I had to examine the process I had been using to make decisions. I found that I have allowed fear and negative emotions to cloud my ability.

"Judge themselves without mercy."

I know in my own life it is the fear of making a mistake that paralyzes me and freezes my ability to act. If I can't be sure it is the perfect decision, I am often not willing to make it. Have I considered all the options and ramifications? What if I regret my choice?

In reality, the "perfect" choice rarely presents itself. And the obsession with being perfect and wanting desperately not to ruffle other's feathers often makes choosing a painstaking task. I know if I fall short I am subject to "Judging myself without mercy."

Sometimes to avoid taking the risk of making a choice- I procrastinate. I tell myself I'll decide later after I gather more info. Then I promptly forget about the issue until it is "crunch" time or until it is too late. While waiting for some divine signal to guide me, opportunities have passed and deadlines have expired. Often with accompanying penalties. Then I am worse off than if I had just made an arbitrary choice and gone with it.

I am now much more aware of this game I play. When I catch myself doing it, I try to "reparent myself with gentleness, humor, love and respect". I remind myself that there are no perfect decisions. I come to grips with the fact that sometimes NOT making a decision is the worst decision of all.

"Lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternate behaviors or possible consequences. "

I've heard it said that successful people make important decisions quickly and easily. When I first heard it, this axiom was a real challenge to my way of thinking- I have actually waxed and waned tediously over what kind of toothpaste to buy. But after a while it made more sense to me.

Once a decision is made, action is initiated and the task at hand is that much closer to being accomplished. And one's mind is then free to respond to what's happening in the here and now. Fearful procrastinating only enables avoiding living in the present. Sometimes making ANY decision is better than none. And I have the power to make decisions work for me.

My logic tells me that most decisions are not that critical and that I can create a positive outcome out of nearly any path I choose. When I catch myself agonizing over some small thing, I remind myself that, in reality, it hardly matters. The worst outcome could not possibly match the level of anxiety I am attaching to it. When I realize this, it frees me to actually have fun with decision making and take a risk. I know I can make the best out of it no matter what.

I give myself the freedom to be wrong, make mistakes and even learn from them. If I mess up, so what? I made that decision promptly with the information I had at the time. And saved myself the grief of prolonged struggling over it.

Staying in practice helps on bigger issues. If I need to, I do a "gut check". This usually involves being still, having silence and relaxation. By not letting fear overwhelm the part of me that already knows the answer, I free myself to make a fitting choice.

I may not surpass Brian's ability to instantly see things with crystal clarity but I have seen positive results after committing to improve my own decision making capacities.

Thanks for listening,

Craig


Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children