Twelve Step Videos- One man's interpretation of The 12 Steps. An Informative and articulate explanation of the principles of recovery.
Step 1: We Admitted We Were Powerless
Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
16 Characteristics Of Adult Children
I really get a lot out of seeing the "Laundry List" in an alternative interpretation. A different wording adds a new perspective and fresh understanding. This author has embellished and added a bit to the standard list of characteristics. Nice to see that long held dogmas, much like ourselves, can evolve, change and improve.
The following was excerpted from "A Primer on Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Dr. Timmen L. Cermak
1. Fear of losing control. ACoAs maintain
control of their feelings and behavior. In addition,
they try to control the feelings and behavior of
others. They do not do this to hurt themselves or
others, but because they are afraid. They fear their
lives will get worse if they lose control and they
become uncomfortable and anxious when they
cannot control situations, feelings, and behaviors.
2. Fear of feelings. Since childhood and continuing
as adults, ACoAs have buried their feelings
(especially anger and sadness). In addition,
they’ve lost the ability to feel or express emotions
freely. Eventually they fear all intense feelings,
even good ones such as joy and happiness.
3. Overdeveloped sense of responsibility.
ACoAs are hypersensitive to the needs of others.
Their self-esteem comes from how others view
them. They have a compulsive need to be perfect.
4. Guilt feelings. When ACoAs stand up for
themselves instead of giving in to others, they
feel guilty. They usually sacrifice their own needs
in an effort to be “responsible.”
5. Inability to relax/let go/have fun.
Having fun is stressful for ACoAs, especially
when others are watching. The child inside is
terrified; exercising all the control it can muster to
be good enough just to survive. Under such rigid
control, spontaneity suffers.
6. Harsh, even fierce, self-criticism.
ACoAs have very low self-esteem, regardless of
how competent they may be in many areas.
7. Denial. Whenever ACoAs feel threatened,
their tendency toward denial intensifies.
8. Difficulty with intimate relationships.
To ACoAs, intimacy equates to being out of control.
It requires love for self and expressing one’s
own needs. As a result, ACoAs frequently have
difficulty with sexuality. They repeat unsuccessful
relationship patterns.
9. Living life as a victim. ACoAs may be either
aggressive or passive victims. They are often attracted
to other “victims” in love, friendship and
work relationships.
10. Compulsive behavior. ACoAs may work
compulsively, eat compulsively, become addicted to
a relationship or behave in other compulsive ways.
ACoAs may drink compulsively and become alcoholics
themselves.
11. Tendency to confuse love and pity.
Because they don’t differentiate between these two
emotions, ACoAs often “love” people they can pity
and rescue.
12. Fear of abandonment. In order not to experience
the pain of abandonment, ACoAs will do
anything to hold on to a relationship.
13. Tendency to view issues in terms of
black or white. When they are under stress, the
gray areas of life disappear and ACoAs see themselves
facing an endless series of either/or alternatives.
14. Tendency toward physical complaints.
ACoAs suffer higher rates of stress related illnesses
(migraine headaches, ulcers, eczema, irritable bowel
syndrome, etc.) than the general population.
15. Suffering from delayed grief. Because the
alcoholic family does not tolerate intensely uncomfortable
feelings (such as sadness and anger), children
in such homes rarely, if ever, grieve over their
losses. Losses in their adult lives usually cannot be
felt without calling up these past feelings. As a result,
ACoAs are frequently depressed.
16. Tendency to react rather than to act.
As children, ACoAs became anxious and hyper
vigilant. They remain so in their adult lives, constantly
scanning the environment for potential catastrophes.
Problem solving and stress management
techniques are something they consider after the
fact if at all.
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
The following was excerpted from "A Primer on Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Dr. Timmen L. Cermak
1. Fear of losing control. ACoAs maintain
control of their feelings and behavior. In addition,
they try to control the feelings and behavior of
others. They do not do this to hurt themselves or
others, but because they are afraid. They fear their
lives will get worse if they lose control and they
become uncomfortable and anxious when they
cannot control situations, feelings, and behaviors.
2. Fear of feelings. Since childhood and continuing
as adults, ACoAs have buried their feelings
(especially anger and sadness). In addition,
they’ve lost the ability to feel or express emotions
freely. Eventually they fear all intense feelings,
even good ones such as joy and happiness.
3. Overdeveloped sense of responsibility.
ACoAs are hypersensitive to the needs of others.
Their self-esteem comes from how others view
them. They have a compulsive need to be perfect.
4. Guilt feelings. When ACoAs stand up for
themselves instead of giving in to others, they
feel guilty. They usually sacrifice their own needs
in an effort to be “responsible.”
5. Inability to relax/let go/have fun.
Having fun is stressful for ACoAs, especially
when others are watching. The child inside is
terrified; exercising all the control it can muster to
be good enough just to survive. Under such rigid
control, spontaneity suffers.
6. Harsh, even fierce, self-criticism.
ACoAs have very low self-esteem, regardless of
how competent they may be in many areas.
7. Denial. Whenever ACoAs feel threatened,
their tendency toward denial intensifies.
8. Difficulty with intimate relationships.
To ACoAs, intimacy equates to being out of control.
It requires love for self and expressing one’s
own needs. As a result, ACoAs frequently have
difficulty with sexuality. They repeat unsuccessful
relationship patterns.
9. Living life as a victim. ACoAs may be either
aggressive or passive victims. They are often attracted
to other “victims” in love, friendship and
work relationships.
10. Compulsive behavior. ACoAs may work
compulsively, eat compulsively, become addicted to
a relationship or behave in other compulsive ways.
ACoAs may drink compulsively and become alcoholics
themselves.
11. Tendency to confuse love and pity.
Because they don’t differentiate between these two
emotions, ACoAs often “love” people they can pity
and rescue.
12. Fear of abandonment. In order not to experience
the pain of abandonment, ACoAs will do
anything to hold on to a relationship.
13. Tendency to view issues in terms of
black or white. When they are under stress, the
gray areas of life disappear and ACoAs see themselves
facing an endless series of either/or alternatives.
14. Tendency toward physical complaints.
ACoAs suffer higher rates of stress related illnesses
(migraine headaches, ulcers, eczema, irritable bowel
syndrome, etc.) than the general population.
15. Suffering from delayed grief. Because the
alcoholic family does not tolerate intensely uncomfortable
feelings (such as sadness and anger), children
in such homes rarely, if ever, grieve over their
losses. Losses in their adult lives usually cannot be
felt without calling up these past feelings. As a result,
ACoAs are frequently depressed.
16. Tendency to react rather than to act.
As children, ACoAs became anxious and hyper
vigilant. They remain so in their adult lives, constantly
scanning the environment for potential catastrophes.
Problem solving and stress management
techniques are something they consider after the
fact if at all.
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Feeding Your Inner Child
As an ACA I am prone to ignoring my needs and denying feelings. But deep down, I NEED to FEEL positive, encouraged and hopeful.
I recently found some Youtube messages to help nurture and feed my inner child.
The first video is a spoken word affirmation and the 3 following videos are non verbal text only. Thanks to those who took the time to create and uploaded them.
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
I recently found some Youtube messages to help nurture and feed my inner child.
The first video is a spoken word affirmation and the 3 following videos are non verbal text only. Thanks to those who took the time to create and uploaded them.
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Adult Children and Forgiveness
Adult Children of Alcoholics and those from dysfunctional families often struggle with forgiving the wrongs of the past. I've heard it said that "Forgiveness means giving up all hope of having a better past."
To me this means that although wrongs were done, I no longer seek revenge or hold anger about them. I am free to live without the bondage of past injustices. This frees me to forgive myself and accept forgiveness from others for my wrongdoings.
Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend discuss the healing power of Forgiveness
Grace Is the Ultimate Fertilizer
The Nature Of Forgiveness
Empathy is Ultimately about Love and Grace
Q: How do you forgive hurts that are continuously being committed? (2:55)
Q: I am an only child of two alcoholic parents, and I am now fifty-seven. My mother is still alive and continues to be emotionally abusive. Would God want me to forgive and submit to this abuse, or is it ok to cut her out of my life?
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
To me this means that although wrongs were done, I no longer seek revenge or hold anger about them. I am free to live without the bondage of past injustices. This frees me to forgive myself and accept forgiveness from others for my wrongdoings.
Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend discuss the healing power of Forgiveness
Grace Is the Ultimate Fertilizer
The Nature Of Forgiveness
Empathy is Ultimately about Love and Grace
Q: How do you forgive hurts that are continuously being committed? (2:55)
Q: I am an only child of two alcoholic parents, and I am now fifty-seven. My mother is still alive and continues to be emotionally abusive. Would God want me to forgive and submit to this abuse, or is it ok to cut her out of my life?
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Denial Is A Good Thing!
"The first step toward acceptance is denial."
What?
Had to reread this a couple of times before it made sense. I had always relegated denial to a negative, useless place where people hid from the truth. I thought insulating with denial was a backwards move. It was my enemy.
The rest of this quote helped me understand:
"The first step toward moving through denial is accepting that we may be in denial, and then gently allowing ourselves to move through."
In this way, denial serves a very valuable purpose. It is a stepping stone to reality. I had never thought of it that way.
So instead of judging denial as being a bad thing, I have decided to try and see it as a necessary part of the process. Instead of the problem it is part of the solution.
Judging things never seems to get me anywhere anyway so here is one more thing I hope to let go!
C
Quote from "Letting Go" by Melody Beattie
Jef Gazely on Codependence & How to Develop Healthy Relationships
Jef Gazely- Dysfunctional Families and the Shame Cycle
Check out the Orange County ACA website at: Orange County Adult Children
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