Welcome fellow Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. Please feel free to post your comments. ACA is an umbrella term covering ALL who have suffered from childhood neglect, trauma and abuse.
Adult children of alcoholics tend to take on too much responsibility, overwork and put lots of pressure on themselves. Pressure like that can seriously affect your blood pressure, hormone levels, mood and mental health.
You may need to relax. See if you can pass this simple test:
In honor of National Children of Alcoholics Week, "Together We Heal" is being offered as a free e-book download!
This insightful book follows several ACOAs through their group therapy sessions with author Szifra Birke. You may benefit from their breakthroughs and growth and find connections to your own life.
From the book:
"The people in this book began meeting for group therapy after they learned about how alcoholism and codependency continued to impact their lives—years, even decades, after they had left home. Even if you didn’t grow up in an alcoholic home, you will undoubtedly share many common feelings. Dysfunctional family patterns and unresolved issues that we continue into adulthood are not reserved for families of alcoholics only."
The American Group Psychotherapy Association Journal says:
The volume takes the reader on an in-depth voyage through 15 meetings of a typical ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) group, and introduces us to several real-life patients of the therapist Szifra Birke. The book is coauthored by a patient in this group, and the perspective alternates between that of patient to therapist.
Unlike many self-help books in the addictions field, which offer primarily an educational view of the various roles and dilemmas that ACOAs face, this book allows us to see first-hand those roles played out in a group, and also allows us to see the impact of the group process in altering these roles, which are initially rigid and confining. These roles, such as the scapegoat, the mascot, the family hero and others, are described by the patients themselves as they recall their painful family histories in a benign, somewhat structured environment.
Szifra Birke holds a Master’s Degree from Purdue University and a BA in psychology from Boston University. She is a licensed mental health counselor and a licensed marriage and family therapist.
This limited time download offer ends Feb. 20, 2011.
I heard it said the other day, "'no' is a complete sentence". The point being that you do not have to explain or make others understand why you can't or don't want to do something. Often, codependency dictates that we make it alright and try to soothe disappointed feelings when we cannot live up to others' expectations.
In fact, "emotional vampires" may use our willingness to please to take advantage of us. They seek to have power and control over us. And as soon as we feel the need to explain, they have it. Saying "no" and just "no" can be difficult and stressful for people pleasers. We hate the thought of hurting other people's feelings or letting them down. But true friends will understand and those who don't are not worthy of our friendship.
Adult Children Of Alcoholics may fear the awkward silence after we have just given a negative response and be tempted to fill it with explanations and regrets. But if we just let it be, things will be ok.
The Karpman Drama Triangle is being played out on reality tv shows, in movie and tv programs and in everyday lives. Sometimes this triangle appears inverted with the Victim at the bottom but the dynamics remain the same. The result of getting stuck in this triangle either as a Victim, Rescuer or Persecutor is avoiding feeling and revealing your true feelings.
The way out of the triangle is to be honest about what and how you are feeling. Imagine another triangle with Truth at one corner, Honesty at the other and Warmth, Closeness and Connectedness at the top.
Instead of using a judging and blaming accusatory statement like, "You are so insensitive- how could you forget my birthday!" (Persecutor/Blamer) try using an "I" statement about your feelings. Example: "I felt hurt when you didn't call me on my birthday". The reaction you receive is less likely to be defensive and more likely to be empathetic. It allows the other person to let down their guard and respond with their true feelings. Then both can experience the satisfaction of closeness and warmth.
Digging through your own defensiveness and revealing the hurt or sadness underneath can be extremely liberating and frees you from the Karpman Triangle! Of course, this kind of vulnerable communication should be practiced with "safe", emotionally available people.
"I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember, everything"- Trent Reznor
Artcle adapted from: http://www.articlesbase.com/addictions-articles/beyond-sobriety-3416049.html by D. Lynn Blanchard
A person who has a drug, alcohol, food addiction, anger addiction or codependency has simply not learned to be in relationship with themselves or others in a consistently compassionate and authentic way.
To be authentic with yourself and others means taking responsibility for yourself, owning your emotional set point, and having spiritual, emotional, mental and physical boundaries to maintain your well being.
If adults around you were preoccupied with their own difficulties, abandonment issues are a consequence. When a parent is not present physically and emotionally for reasons such as narcissism, addiction, addiction to anger, codependency, workaholism, illness or death, the child interprets that as something being wrong with him or her.
The “hole in the soul” created by childhood trauma results in feeling defective, feeling bad about yourself. Since there is “nobody home”, your self-worth is defined by others, and by your actions. (Damaged parents cannot validate the uniqueness and special qualities of their children, since they didn’t have that done for them, and haven’t done the work to re-parent themselves in a compassionate way).
Children model self-care (or lack thereof) from their primary caregivers. They learn to judge themselves as worthy or unworthy, depending on how they are treated by parenting figures. Children of narcissistic parents who fail to trace the source of their feeling invisible to the parents’ self-involvement will inevitably develop extreme behaviors or codependent enmeshment in a vain attempt to be seen.
It is not uncommon for alcoholics, rage-aholics and addicts of all types to deny and minimize the effect of their behavior on others. This is a direct result of denial of the violence that occurred in childhood. Even with years of sobriety and working the 12Steps there is often a lack of awareness of the effects of abuse and it continues to feed multigenerational addiction and codependency.
The resentment and anger, which underlies non-nurturing behavior, generates toxic fall-out. Parents who have not had their own physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs met, and have not learned appropriate self-care in adulthood, become resentful of the needs of their children and partners, especially when they are under stress.
When you feel as if you’re drowning (which is how a “hole-in-the-soul person feels when confronted by daily stress) you don’t want someone crawling on your back asking you to save them. Instead of having healthy boundaries where you would say “I don’t have the energy to meet your needs right now”, you either deny the need, “You don’t need that” , or fix feelings “You shouldn’t feel that way…..” or shame the needy one…..”Shape up…….”.
Children involved are thus diminished, and damaged. They inevitably feel their parents’ anger or distance as their fault. They feel inadequate at a deep level. Children raised in this dysfunctional environment become hyper vigilant and develop survival strategies of manipulation and denial in order to feel in control in the presence of uncontrollable emotions and emotional abuse.
They absorb the negative energy into their bodies and subconscious mind. They watch uncomfortable emotions being stuffed or drugged, or blamed on someone else, rather than learning self-responsibility and emotional agility. Emotional agility refers to the ability to recognize and deal with negative emotions without shame, blame or guilt i.e. “I feel sad, hurt….” etc. rather than, “He made me……” “You never……..”
If you didn’t have that experience in childhood, you can get help to reparent yourself with healthy mothering and fathering relationships in adulthood. This means having older mentors, counsellors and friends who give positive feedback, nonjudgmental support and are actively committed to your well being.
Family of Origin Work involves becoming aware of how you were parented. This is not done from a perspective of blaming. It is a process of seeing and accepting yourself and your parents as fallible humans. It requires self-honesty and compassion as you identify your strengths and your less-than-wonderful traits and behaviors.
The intention is to look for the positive gifts from your parents, as well as to not minimize the areas of abuse and neglect. You will do that as well when looking at your own behavior towards others through the years.
You’ve probably said “I’ll never be like that” referring to a parental model. The reality is that unless you recognize how you are “like that”, and have a process for daily working through your emotional triggers, you will continue the cycle of abuse.
When children live in a home where there is violent silence (stuffed emotions/anger/bottled rage), displacement (kick the dog or horse), resentment and blaming modeled, they absorb and internalize the energy.
This results in eating disorders, addiction, depression, asthma, allergies, and/or externalizing their pain with rage, addiction, and displaced anger onto pets and other children. Adults often deny or displace anger with socially acceptable addictions such as smoking, busy-ness, (feelings can’t hit a moving target), chronic dieting, and other compulsive behaviors.
The danger of stockpiling resentments, from when you get whacked by life means you need to have a regular practice of writing and having a safe (non-family) person to talk with. When you’ve felt like a victim or have been unable to let go of hurt feelings, make a phone call and work through the reasons for your reaction with a member of your support system.
Daily clearing of the buildup of toxic emotions such as anger, resentment, fear and shame interrupts the pattern which causes you to want to explode at someone, turn the anger on yourself, or distract yourself with compulsive behaviors.
Addictive behaviors are a substitute for emotional maturity.
Shaming, blaming and focus on perceived shortcomings of others are used to deflect attention from your own character flaws. Morbid self-flagellation is also used to avoid self-responsibility. Addictive personalities feel inadequate and this must be dealt with continually, to avoid passing it on. The use of criticizing and putting others down, as a way of making yourself feel bigger needs to stop.
To Free yourself of Resentment, Anger and Fear:
Realize that blocked energy/resistance radiates out from a central issue, usually an underlying fear which covers up some old hurt and sadness. Since hurt and sadness makes you feel vulnerable, you cover that up with anger. Revisiting the issue, talking about it and re-feeling it (resentment) every time you talk about it, builds up more blocked negative energy.
When you can look beneath their behavior that hurt you, and you can see the frightened child-it becomes nearly impossible to be angry and carry a grudge.
